A peek into what on-premise sex clubs are really like.
Photo by Eric Nopanen on Unsplash
If you?re anything like I was, the term swinger?s club probably brings to mind a scene out of Boogie Nights complete with disco ball and lots of mustaches. Until I had my first sexual experience at an on-premise lifestyle club I was creeped out by the idea. The reality, thankfully, is so much better. Also, there are fewer mustaches.
When my husband and I started actually researching it, I was intrigued. After my first visit, I was hooked.
Our local lifestyle club is now our favorite Saturday night date spot. Even on the nights we aren?t in the mood to swap with another couple we still would rather socialize with this group than spend time in a vanilla space. Here?s why I recommend visiting a lifestyle club to everyone, even those who value monogamy. If you?re not part of a couple, find a friend to go with you. Single women are typically always welcome!
Unlike your typical bar, people actually talk at lifestyle clubs.
I attribute this to the fact that phones aren?t allowed inside the club. No one is sitting at the bar staring at their Candy Crush game. When you remove phones from the equation people actually reach out to each other and engage in the type of conversation that involves both talking and engaged listening. Part of the friendly atmosphere might be a desire to see people naked, but I don?t think my phone idea is too off base here.
Consent is sexy!
Lifestyle clubs aim for a no-pressure atmosphere. In a lifestyle club, women take the lead. Women are the ones who make the first move, often on other women, and women are generally the ones who decide when playtime starts. Most clubs even limit or exclude single men to increase the comfort level of the female clientele. Anyone in a lifestyle club who is pushy or rude will be asked to leave by the management. That behavior is simply not tolerated.
Typically there is a very clear invitation to play, followed by a sharing of the other couple?s rules. No one is there to push boundaries, or break rules a couple has already established.
No judgment from other women.
The lifestyle celebrates female sexuality in a way that the vanilla world doesn?t. Often when I go out for girl?s night with my vanilla friends there are comments made about what other women are wearing. ?Can you believe how short her skirt is??
It gets even worse when women discuss the behavior of other women at a bar or club. Women are ?too flirty? or ?too sexual.? I?m not even sure I know what those phrases mean. I?m a natural flirt, and I can?t turn it off. I?m done apologizing for it, so I might be done with the vanilla girl?s night out thing. I simply cannot tolerate hearing that sort of thing from other women. We all need to spend more time lifting each other up.
Swinger?s clubs and parties don?t have that same judgment about female dress and behavior. Rather, female sexuality is celebrated and desired. Skirt so short we can see your cheeks? Great! Sheer top with a black bra? Sexy! Assless chaps and nipple covers? Why else would we have cowboy night?
Shedding my inhibitions came easily in an environment that was so sex-positive and female-led. Women typically reach out to another couple first and express interest. When it?s time to dance, it is usually about the women getting freaky first. Most of the women we meet at the club identify as bisexual. I?m still figuring out where I land on that spectrum.
I?m somewhere left of straight.
You can take things as far as you want?or not.
We have friends that we call dirty vanillas who attend lifestyle events and clubs just for the awesome, sex-positive vibes and never engage in any playtime. That sort of thing is totally acceptable.
Couples typically make their own rules before attending a club, and I?d encourage you to do the same. Some couples identify as soft swap, and include or exclude any number of sexual acts with penetration off the table. If that?s your jam, just be sure to define what is and is not allowed before that cocktail lowers your inhibitions. Once your rules are defined, stick to them.
On the other end of the scale from dirty vanillas are full swap couples. These couples are typically open to sex with other couples. Just because they?re open, though, doesn?t mean they?re easy. There generally has to be reciprocal attraction for that to work.
Stripper poles are fun.
This is an objective fact, and until you have wrapped your legs around a metal pole and flipped upside down to the beat of Def Leppard, you really haven?t lived. Add it to your bucket list right now.
Friendships with people who know a side of me I?ve always kept hidden.
I?ve mentioned previously that dealing with my sexuality has always been difficult for me. I was raised catholic, and have struggled to accept who I am sexually because of that closeted upbringing. As a kid, sex wasn?t even a discussion topic. Now, I have a whole group of friends who know that side of me, and it is incredibly empowering.
?Until I had public sex with my husband, I had never felt sexually free. There?s a level of vulnerability in being able to let loose and give into animalistic desire that is unmatched in any other venue.?
Swinger clubs do have an area of improvement.
I?ve listed so many positive aspects of visiting lifestyle clubs, but I would be remiss if I didn?t mention the one area where the swinger community could use some improvements.
So much of the lifestyle community is inclusive and judgment-free, but the community does have some work to do to be more inclusive of our LGBTQIA+ community. Most swinger events I?ve attended aren?t particularly friendly for bi or gay men, or even to lesbian women. I?d like to see that change. Making these clubs more mainstream would go a long way towards improving that.
Many of these clubs are members only, but even those have nights that they are open to nonmembers. Check their websites, typing lifestyle club in a google search is a good start.
Until I experienced an environment where I could dress as sexy as I wished, dance without worrying about how short my skirt might be, swing my legs around a stripper pole, and have incredibly passionate, public sex with my husband I had never felt sexually free.
I am an exhibitionist, and that is very closely tied to my sexuality. Lifestyle clubs allow each of us to explore our wild side, no matter what your kink is. There are opportunities for voyeurs to watch, for exhibitionists to put on a show, and for women to explore each other. No one will pressure you to play, but you might just decide you want to.
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