Why You Should Be a Slut

Why You Should Be a Slut

SATIRE

Promiscuity is a virtue, because it makes the world a better place

Image for postPhoto by Romi Yusardi on Unsplash

Slut is a dirty word ? a derogatory word. People look down on sluts. I love them. I think everyone should be one. There?s a lot to gain by being a slut.

People who judge sluts are bitter characters who nobody wants to hang out with, let alone date. They talk about things like standards and morals to make themselves feel better, but they just can?t get laid. That?s why they judge people who do get laid, especially those who get laid by lots of other people.

All men and all women should be sluts. The world should be one big orgy, like in Aldous Huxley?s Brave New World. Spoiler: John kills himself because he couldn?t fit in; he?s a loser who couldn?t be a slut like everyone else.

Anyway, here?s why you should be a slut.

You explore the world

How many types of candy have you tried? I?ve tried a lot. My favorite is Warheads. It?s a sour candy ? a really sour candy. It burns your tongue. That?s why I love it; I love the pain.

I?ve tried lots of candy. I?ve tried Skittles; I?ve tried Lifesavers; I?ve tried Hershey?s; I?ve tried M&Ms; I?ve tried Reese?s; I?ve tried Starbursts; I?ve tried Kit Kats; I?ve tried Twix; I?ve tried Milky Ways; I?ve tried Werther?s; I?ve tried Milk Duds; I?ve tried Mounds; I?ve tried Snickers; I?ve tried Gobstoppers; I?ve tried Nerds; I?ve tried Jolly Ranchers; I?ve tried Kinder Buenos; I?ve tried Tolberones; I?ve tried Pop Rocks?

Warheads weren?t the first candy I tried ? not even close ? but if I hadn?t tried all these other candies, I?m not sure I would?ve realized how much I loved Warheads. I love Warheads because I?ve compared them to everything else, and they?re better.

Being a slut is the same. It helps you find what you like most. It helps you find your favorite candy. It helps you find your Warheads. By being physically intimate with many people, you find out who you have sexual chemistry with. You even find out who you enjoy spending time with.

Serial monogamists are stupid. They try one candy and commit the rest of their lives to that one candy. They go for the next candy they can get because they?re scared they won?t find better. They?re stuck in a scarcity mindset. If I did that, I wouldn?t be eating Warheads (my true love) right now.

Prudes are even more stupid, especially the ones who save their virginity until marriage. That?s like buying a lifetime supply of candy you haven?t tried yet and not eating any other type of candy ever. I try to have empathy for everyone, but I can?t understand this idiocy. There?s a reason most stores have a try-before-you-buy policy.

Being a slut is being an explorer.

You spread love

Monogamists are selfish. They only give love to one person. Okay, I?ll accept the benefits of monogamy if you have a family: it?s more stable. Otherwise, you should be a slut. You should be giving as much love to as many people as possible. Sluts make the world a better place.

Every time you share your body with someone, not only do you share the physical journey, but you share the emotional one. Sex is a rollercoaster of physical and emotional fun, and I don?t know about you, but I love rollercoasters. When I go to amusement parks, I ride all of them, but one thing I don?t like is riding alone. Sluts will ride rollercoasters with you.

Sluts give the mutual benefit of exploring while helping someone else explore. They help others find out if they want to commit a person like them. They help others find out characteristics they like and dislike, so they have a better mental model of their ideal mate. They help others find their soulmate.

Being a slut is being kind.

You learn to handle judgment

Most people spend their entire lives pleasing others. They do everything to fit in with what?s socially acceptable, so nobody will bad-mouth them ? an exhausting way to live.

If you?re a slut, people will judge you. I won?t because I love sluts, but other people will. People will gossip about how you slept with him or her. People will stare at you with disapproving eyes. Some will even call you a slut to your face.

You eventually learn the true character of those who put you down. They?re not god-like figures with supreme morals. They?re phonies who are too afraid to live out their true desires. They can?t handle judgment; they?re weak-willed. They?re envious of you ? sometimes even jealous.

The judgers are handcuffed, and not in the kinky way. They want to be released from their shackles but can?t. Once you accept that these lesser-than-life humans will talk about you in a not-so-good way, you release yourself from your chains. You become free from judgment.

When you become free, you can do whatever you want. You won?t care about what other people think. You can do what you want. You can start going to restaurants alone. You can talk to strangers at bars. You can cry and let all your feelings out on the subway. No opinion matters but your own.

Being a slut is being free.

I think everyone should be a slut; I really mean it. Being a slut isn?t about being dirty. It?s about exploring. It?s about spreading love. It?s about learning to be yourself under the cruel judgment of society.

Most importantly, it?s about experiencing the ultimate shared physical intimacy with others.

Be a slut.

Happy Space Cats is a humor publication here on Medium looking for new writers and followers!

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