Every woman is thinking about getting married at some point. She might not dream about it all day, but she definitely entertains the idea. And the frequency of her pondering increases proportionately to the amount of time she spends in a relationship with a man.
Not only she wants to get married but she expects to get proposed to. On one knee, big ring, the whole shebang. Just like in the movies. Forget about equality and 50/50 partnerships. The marriage proposal should be done by a man. Period. That’s how things should be. Of course, there are deviations to this rule but overall that?s what?s expected and preferred.
Because being claimed is still (and will always be) a core desire of a feminine woman. She wants to be taken care of. She craves to surrender and let go. She yearns to trust him with her whole heart.
And ultimately, there comes a day when she starts questioning whether this relationship is going anywhere and whether this man is the right one for her.
She also starts questioning her own worth and value to actually be married and claimed fully.
At this point, she gets totally insecure and starts pushing the buttons she knows how to push in order to make him marry her. And, eventually, she either gets that long-awaited ?she-made-me-do-it? proposal or she doesn?t.
It?s quite devastating to not get the proposal from a man you love and have gambled your heart and dreams with. In retrospect, it?s also quite liberating because now you can finally move on. Because he?s not ready yet. Accepting it and freeing yourself from worry and overthinking of how you weren?t good enough is the best gift you could ask for.
But let?s say you get the long-awaited ?pulled-out-of-him? proposal. You plan your amazing dream-like wedding, celebrate with beloved friends and family members and you?re off to Hawai for that perfectly planned honeymoon?
?a couple of years pass?
And it starts creeping in.
The love gel that glued you two together starts wearing off. You see that he?s not that committed anymore. He?s not that enthusiastic. It?s like he just goes with the flow and doesn?t care much.
Deep down you know you don?t really respect or trust him anymore.
But as it often happens, you disregard this intuitive knowing and go on with your life. And you start planning children ? because that?s what you do after two years of marriage and because that void is now filled with the idea of becoming a full family.
Surely then he?ll change.
He?s kind of reluctant but goes with it, I guess.
?Sounds like a good idea, honey. Sure, let?s do it.?
(Warning: beware of the ?I guess? men. You?ll find out why later in the article. Keep reading.)
And so after your first child is born, you really start feeling the enormous pressure of childcare, household management and being a working mom. And your resentment towards him grows even more. It starts feeling like a big black hole in your heart.
Because you realize that you?re parenting him too. Constantly giving instructions. Constantly disappointed. Constantly exhausted.
You don?t understand what the hell went wrong and where. You don?t feel desired, taken care of or attracted to your husband anymore.
You feel like you have to do it all by yourself.
Of course, you can?t trust men. Of course, men can?t be relied upon. Of course, women have to do it all and on their own. Your social media feeds and daily morning news confirm these beliefs. You look around and the lack of good men proves it.
But that?s okay because you still have a husband and it?s not that bad all the time. I mean, it could be worse. Besides, child #2 and #3 might be on the way. So you keep being focused on the bright side and keep going. Piling one responsibility after another on your shoulders.
Until one day, your adrenals give up.
Cortisol levels are high. That extra weight only keeps building up. Hormones are out of wack. Chronic fatigue has become a permanent family member. Your body gives up and you end up at the doctor (and then a therapist or the other way around) feeling betrayed, upset and without any idea what?s wrong with you.
Resonate much? Know women like this?
I do. I have been one of them. I also talk to them daily through my coaching practice and on my Girlskill Podcast.
Luckily, I got out of this ?please marry me? dangerous dynamic game before it got too late.
But I could almost feel him doing it because ?I guess we really should get married. My mom would be happy. My girlfriend would be happy. I guess it?s the right thing to do.?
I don?t know about you but I would really PREFER a man to be sure that he wants to marry me. No, wait. I would like for a man to be FUCKING EXCITED to marry me. Not this ?I guess, it?s time? wobbly decision to propose. Because I know that that would lead to the same kind of a wobbly marriage.
Only years later I realized the slippery slope I was stepping onto with such a man.
The nice guy.
The guy who will do anything for me. Whatever I tell him to do, he?ll do it. He?ll always be there. He?s not going anywhere. Like a really comfortable couch that you can just sit on and keep sitting on until it can?t function like it?s supposed to function.
Or like a really comfy pajama that you can?t get rid of because it?s so cozy and soft. You wear it to comfort yourself through your down days and you’re so happy it?s there. It absorbs all your tears, glasses of wine and molds into any shape just to fit your moods.
And you love it more than anything. Because it?s so pleasant and warm. Like your mother?s lap. And you really think that?s what love is.
But you?d never wear it in public, of course. You?re not really proud of yourself when you wear it. You feel consoled by it but not in your full power. It?s like you give your power away to it and it absorbs it fully. And so you can never get out.
You don?t respect it. You don?t respect him. You don?t trust him fully. When shit goes down, you?re the one to figure it out. You?re the one who knows what to do. He?s standing behind you. Might feel powerful at the time but not empowering for you as a woman at all.
It?s time to let go of the comfy pajama man and step into your big girl pants. Declare your desires for a masculine man and not settle for anything less.
Entering into a marriage with a man who is a pajama for you is a recipe for resentment, hardship and unfulfillment for women who crave to surrender to their men and let them lead. A yearning that is so natural and inherent in most of us, feminine women.
The Big Mistake & The Way Out
I have rebuilt faith in my own worth and value, my relationship with men and the world before I got hitched up. I worked on my femininity and understood that only from this place of surrender, letting go of control and being in flow with my feminine soul I will attract a masculine man that I won?t need to parent.
A masculine man who will be so in love with me that he can?t imagine living another day without my feminine presence in his life. A masculine man who makes the decision to propose and marry me. And he does it whole-heartedly and whole-mindedly. Because he wants to and because he can.
If you want a masculine man to claim you as his queen and lead you into marriage ? stop talking to him about being married.
I see women doing this mistake all the time.
They desperately want to get married and so they talk about it with everyone. They keep making plans, looking at rings, wedding dresses and overthinking their ceremonies. They can?t wait for the proposal.
And they wait, and wait, and wait?
And then it turns out that he was afraid of commitment and ran away. Or it turns out that he was forced into marriage and is now resenting you for it.
I know how it feels to dream. And although I wasn?t one of the women who wanted to get married since I was a little girl, I know how it feels to want to be loved and wanted. And that?s what this desire for marriage is.
And there is nothing inherently wrong with it. In fact, I believe it?s quite healthy and natural to want to meet a man that will become your partner in life and with whom you?ll be able to create a family. That?s what most of us want.
But the quality and the texture of this want is very different in women who want it to fill a void in their own self-worth.
Marriage won?t fix anything. In fact, it will only magnify and bring to the surface what?s wrong in your relationship. Marriage is like a band-aid on the already scratched blisters and if relationship issues are not resolved before marriage ? it could become a disaster for both parties. Just like having kids won?t fix anything. Both of these decisions are the most important decisions of your life and so making them consciously and from healthy mindsets is paramount.
How Mature Masculine Men Make Marriage Decisions
A mature masculine man needs to make a decision that he wants you to be his wife. And he needs to make this decision on his own ? not because you really want it or because his parents really want it.
But because he wants it.
And he will make this decision when he?s ready. And when that happens, he will do it out of full commitment and dedication to take care of you and your future family.
And so when a man makes the decision to ultimately claim you forever as his woman ? he is taking responsibility. And that responsibility is on his shoulders ? not yours.
Because all you have to do is say ?Yes.? Because then he will never resent you for coercing him into marriage or making him do what he didn?t want to do or wasn?t ready to do. When a man makes such a decision ? the most important decisions of his life ? a masculine man will never take it lightly even if it?s on the spur of the moment ? he is taking full responsibility.
And when you say ?Yes? to his invitation, your feminine heart sings and sways because you feel that you have finally arrived. That he has indeed shown you that you are his woman and he is ready, willing and available to spend the rest of his life with you. You didn?t push him into buying that ring, you didn?t persuade him and you didn?t manipulate him into anything.
Free will, baby. Free choice.
And when a man feels free with you ? you have given him the world. You have given him permission to be himself.
So in this situation, he will not have the chance to get an easy exit, blame or complain that someone else made him do it. Sure, some men do regret the decision even if they made it themselves ? as do some women. That happens. But I believe that in the majority of cases mature, healthy masculine men will make the right decision if given enough time, trust and space.
And look, if you?ve been together for a while, and he?s really not ready, willing and available to get married ? then you need to consider moving on. I mean, you could sit and wait but how long are you willing to wait? Or, if you really love this man and trust him, then you get comfortable with the idea that you might never be married.
So the work is your own. No forcing. No pushing. You decide to either stay or go. No blaming, no playing games.
Your job as a feminine essence woman who wants to be claimed and taken care of is to trust him. Your job is to not make your insecurities take you over.
If He Hasn?t Proposed Yet
Here are some suggestions about what to do if he hasn’t proposed yet:
- Think about how are YOU not being open, committed and available? Our partners are our mirrors. So if he is not proposing, it means he?s not ready. So you?re not ready either. Examine how is this might be so and the reasons behind it.
- Are you desperately hanging on and waiting for him to propose? Examine why are you so attached to the idea? Fear of abandonment? Men who are emotionally unavailable and afraid of commitment are usually together with women who are clingy and desperate to get hitched. That?s how we show the truth of our own insecurities to each other.
- Know that you have options and it?s up to him to claim you. When you rebuild your self-worth as a woman, you know that there are more than enough good men out there waiting for a woman like you. So if your man is not ready, willing and available you move on. Because you value yourself much more than simply wearing the old baggy pajamas all day long. You go get yourself a nice sexy lace nighty and you sleep in that.
- Take care of your life. Make yourself a priority. Stop focusing on the man. Focus on yourself and embracing your femininity. Masculine men are attracted to feminine women like bees to honey. (You are the honey ?) Fall in love with yourself, your wild woman, your sensuality and your body.
- Step into your feminine. Men don?t like to be controlled. And so the best thing you can do to let go of control is to step into your feminine more. Surrender, be in flow and release stuck energy.
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