And it?s all my fault
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I don?t. What a pathetically sad thing to have to admit. Even harder to live with. I don?t trust anyone, except my son. I wonder if there will ever come a day I will be able to trust anyone fully again. No clue.
I look back at my life and at all the people I let into my life and then kicked out of my life. Liars, bullies, cheats, addicts, you name it, I welcomed them all in. But it?s not only the people who I let into my life that I don?t trust. Oh no, it?s the people who were and are already in my life. Family, childhood friends, old work friends. It?s everyone.
I trust no one. I really want to though. Trust me, I do.
Don?t trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar.
For years, well to be honest, all the years of my life, I so desperately wanted to be liked and loved. I wanted friends and lifelong partners. I was always so lonely and empty and broken. I just wanted someone to love me, honestly, and be my friend, faithfully.
And all my life I was lied to. And I allowed it and accepted it. I hated it but the attention, false love and promises that came with the lies satisfied me, albeit temporarily. I?ll take it.
I questioned everything and everyone.
I doubted actions, words, promises. I doubted and questioned everything. All my fucking life. It?s exhausting, frustrating and sickening. To have to live like that is nothing short of pathetic.
What an existence I have created for myself.
I try to stop the voices in my head that are determined to convince me ?she?s lying, that?s not true, don?t believe them, this is bullshit, I smell deceit?. I so desperately try to silence them. I really do want them to stop. I want them to shut the fuck up, if even only for one day.
Stop the madness iva. You?re just driving yourself crazy. Yup. I am. I know this. Does it make it easier to calm myself and move on with my day knowing that the stories in my head mostly originate from insecurities? Nope.
But it?s all my fault.
I take full responsibility for this. Why? Because I let these people into my life, even knowing full well they were toxic, just so I didn?t have to be alone. I let them use their deceitful behaviour on me. I let them beat me down with lies.
I let my heart get lied to and cheated, in exchange for a glimmer of attention and affection.
Though the battle to stop the nonsense is tiring, I do my best. I shush myself. ?Now iva don?t be ridiculous. Why would you think that??
Why wouldn?t you think that? That?s how your mind has worked all your life. Why would now be any different?
Because the world has good in it too
I believe in the goodness of people. If you read any of my stories I talk about that a lot. Find the good, be the good, there is good. I know there are good people out there. Honest, sincere, loving and caring. I?ve already been blessed with many of them in my life.
I know that not everyone is out to get me. Some people truly love and care about me and would never harm me. I know all this. It?s my inner child who still doesn?t get this.
It?s the inner child who hisses in my ear ?They?re lying bastards. Don?t believe a fucking word they say!!? It?s my inner child who is still traumatized from years and years of emotional, physical and verbal abuse.
But I have to learn to silence her, comfort her, reassure her that the world and the people in it truly are beautiful.
I have to show her who?s in control now of making these ?trusting? decisions. I?ll be honest, it?s not easy and I still have a long way to go. I can now say I do have a handful of people I do trust but that took some time. And it wasn?t easy.
My Medium peeps and online friends
There are a few people who I met right here on Medium that I can say I trust to not hurt me, to support me unconditionally, who cheer me on and have no ill intent towards me. These are genuine like minded people who I am blessed to have in my life right now.
I wasn?t going to shout out but I think I need to. They need to know that because of them, I feel safe and am learning to trust again.
Bonnie Barton because she?s so loving and caring and beautiful and sincere
Jeff Barton because he totally fucking gets me and is on the same path of enlightenment
Christina Hausauer because she understands my hell and is my soul sister
Cheney Meaghan because she lets me be real and doesn?t gaf or judge
Christine Graves another soul sister. Her words are soothing and full of love
Jonathan Greene because he?s totally honest and genuine
Jenny White because she also gets me and is so warm and beautiful
These are the few people I trust with my heart and soul. These are the people who give me hope. Great hope. ?
Here?s to hoping?
That one day I will be able to quiet the voices of doubt.
That one day that all the voices in my head will completely stop.
That one day I can live in peace and not have to second guess every person I meet.
Until then, I will continue to work on this. Day by day, bit by bit, and know that one day it will all be better.
I love you
Peace and Love
xo iva xo