Photo: Tiffany Burke (boudoir genius)
When people make the assumption that fat girls don?t have bangin? sex lives, I feel like I have some kind of amazing secret. What I know (that they don?t seem to) is that being fat doesn?t limit our ability to get it on. In accepting my body, I?ve also found real power in accepting my sexuality, curvy parts and all. It turns out the opportunities are nearly limitless.
Guess what? Fat girls not only have sex, but they have full, rich, fulfilling sex lives! We?re human, just like you. Before you get too excited and hit on me, there are a few things you should know.
I won?t be mad if you don?t want to have sex with me.
That seems like a pretty silly thing to say, doesn?t it? Somehow the idea that I find myself sexy makes some men think I?m demanding they find me sexy too. I know not everyone wants to have sex with fat women. Trying to convince someone who ?doesn?t like bigger girls? that I can change their mind is an exercise in futility.
It only took trying it once to understand how bad an idea it was. I insisted to a man that I?d rock his world despite my size after he?d made it clear that he wasn?t really attracted to my body type. I had a chip on my shoulder and wanted to prove him wrong, when I should have been focusing on finding someone who appreciated me the way I was. From the moment we got in the same room, my self-esteem and sexiness were worn down by the knowledge that I?d had to convince him to be there. The whole experience was lackluster, like we were just going through the motions.
Luckily, I got rid of that chip, and now I?m okay with the fact that not every man on earth finds me attractive. Spoiler alert: I don?t find all men hot either. It won?t bother me to know that you like fat girls, if you find curves appealing, a soft belly attractive, or prefer a little more junk in the trunk. Everyone has traits that make their engines rev.
That being said, please don?t open the conversation with how much you like BBWs. Reducing me to a fetish won?t get the conversation off on the right foot. I?m a woman who happens to be fat, my fat is a part of who I am, but it?s not all I am. If the only reason you want to jump me is because of the number on the scale, it?s not going to work out.
I don?t need you to tell me that I?m not fat.
When I undress in front of someone new, the last thing I need to hear is ?you?re not fat, you?re gorgeous.? Nothing?s going to make that striptease reverse quicker than hearing someone try to reassure me by telling me 1. that I?m not something I know I am and 2. that the way my body is is not compatible with being gorgeous. You?ve just reminded me that most people are conditioned to believe that if I am fat, I can?t be desirable.
Instead of telling me that I?m not fat, skip it and jump right into the fact that I am. Tell me what you appreciate about me, wax poetic on the parts of me that you like, list all the places you want to touch me, or better yet, show me. By appreciating me as a whole, you show me that you accept all of me, and that you want to be with all of me.
I don?t need your reassurance. I like my body. This affection isn?t something I?ve come by easily, it?s something I?ve had to work hard for. If you like the way I look, show me. Pay attention to me, focus on what?s happening between us and not on some empty or misguided words to try and convince me of something I already know.
I?m not desperate.
I know there are a lot of people out there who look at me and think I must be easy pickins because my opportunities must be so limited. I?ve talked to many of them. I?m here to tell you that is a huge misconception. I?ve met tons of men who like me the way that I am. I?m not desperate or hard up, and I?m not more DTF because I?m fat. Furthermore, women can tell when you think they?re desperate and that?s why you?re hitting on them. It?s not a turn-on.
I?m not a timid person, and I enjoy sex. A lot. I have a fulfilling and satisfying sex life, and I believe that good sexual relationships contribute to good mental health. Don?t expect me to be mousy or quiet, this is nothing more than an assumption made based on stereotypes and caricatures.
It?s okay to touch my fat, in fact, I?d like you to.
The expanse of my belly provides an opportunity to build anticipation as your hands wander my body. You can grab my thighs and use the padding on my hips to gain traction, trace my stretch marks with your tongue. My curves are rife with opportunity.
Of all the things you could say while touching my body, ?Sorry? is one of the least appealing. Apologizing for having touched a certain part of me tells me that you?re not comfortable with it. If we?re going to be intimate, let?s agree that we should both be comfortable with all parts of each other?s bodies.
If you avoid touching the fat parts of me, that?s a neon sign in my face that you?re uncomfortable, or worse, you?re just not that into me. Then I?m stuck in a situation where I?m naked with someone I might not want to be.
There are lots of ways to make it work.
I?ve heard people talk about having gained weight and their partner gaining weight, and this somehow being such a hindrance that they are no longer able to have sex. This is baffling to me. No matter your size, there are lots of ways for you to get it on!
The potential that you?ve got to be a little more creative with your positioning is an advantage here. Not all sex positions are going to work for us, but not all sex positions work for ANYONE. There are positions that I can do that someone with a tight body couldn?t. I?m super flexible, especially in my hips, and that is a pretty great advantage.
Also, just in case this really needs to be said: we?re not going to squash you. In fact, sometimes our ample hips and butt provide momentum that wouldn?t be there otherwise.
Don?t feel bad if we need to adjust.
I could tell you that having sex with a fat woman is just like having sex with a smaller bodied woman, but that wouldn?t be the whole truth. I am the definition of extra, I have hills and rolls in places where some people don?t. It?s okay to make adjustments to make things feel or work better. Sometimes, I have to lift my hips to release skin being pulled too taut, or move my belly so we fit together better. That?s okay. Just like adjustments because a hip needs relief or a knee is sore or hair is getting caught, adjustments to body fat during sex just need to happen sometimes.
All bodies make weird noises. Sometimes, fat bodies make a different kind of noise during sex than thinner bodies. Air gets trapped, skin smushes on skin, and noises occur. It?s okay to adjust. It?s also okay to laugh! Sometimes it?s funny. It?s also okay to just ignore it and keep on keepin? on. There?s nothing to be embarrassed about. Sex is weird and full of surprises, no matter the size of the participants.
Living a sex positive life is important to me. I write about sex because I want to contribute to normalizing the fact that sex isn?t something to be ashamed of. I work hard to be a sex positive parent, and opening up about my sexual experiences is a way to help people who can?t talk about it out loud feel less alone. We talk about sex so little, and for the most part, people in bodies like mine aren?t expected to be sexual beings.
It?s time to change the narrative.
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