It was the only dick pic I?ve ever received, but I never need another one (so please don?t send me any)
Photo by Charles ?? on Unsplash
So, there?s this guy I?ve been messaging. Back and forth. Forth and back.
Our banter is usually light and funny, but sometimes it?s serious. Like when he stood me up and I called him out on it. He?s still apologizing for that one. And still owes me dog pictures as compensation (as he should!).
We?ve known each other for many years but hadn?t actually seen each other in person for probably 7 or 8 years.
And truthfully, even though we met up this week, I?m still not sure what this is between us.
While I?m oscillating between ?we?re just friends? and ?I think we?re flirting ourselves into a lot of trouble,? I haven?t quite figured out where we stand. That?s a whole other post, though.
I?ve told him that I write about sex and relationships and dating. I even told him I write sexy stories. But I haven?t shared any of my writing with him just yet. I?m not at that level of comfortability.
But I am at the level where I send him funny memes and confess I?m curious but terrified of online dating, mostly because of the proliferation of drive-by dick pics.
I wrote about my guy friend?s experience trying online dating as a woman:
Why Every Man Should Try Online Dating As A Woman
Catfishing as a learning experience.
Late one night, we were up messaging one another.
I was probably being too open about sex because that?s just how I am online, and he replied something along the lines of, ?The way this conversation is going, this might be the point where I would think it?s appropriate to send you a dick pic.?
I replied that no, it was all right, I was good.
Then a photo appeared. As I waited for it to load, I replied, ?I?m really worried.?
My phone took a really long time to load.
I held my breath the entire time.
Finally, the photo loaded.
I opened it.
And I stared at it, trying to figure out what I was looking at since it was so small.
?OH MY GOD!!!!? I replied.
?That?s the BEST DICK PIC EVER!!?
I was laughing so hard, I?m surprised my neighbors didn?t complain.
I laughed for at least five minutes.
I laughed until I was crying.
I finally went back to the app and told him he won the dick pic game forever.
You can see the photo he sent in this link:
Mary Tyler Moore And Dick Van Dyke Like You’ve Never Seen Them Before
True, uh, love?
Leathered up Mary Tyler Moore with a riding crop riding Dick Van Dyke? Oh yes, yes, please!
My favorite thing was when I looked a larger version up online and found that Dick Van Dyke?s tattoo has a heart with MARY written underneath (which you can see in the preview to the link above).
How can you possibly ever top that? It?s brilliant on so many levels. I still find myself laughing about it.
If You?re Going to Dick Pic, Make Sure It?s The Best Dick Pic Ever
Even weeks later, I saw this meme on the Queens Over Bitches account on Instagram (follow that account! it?s hilarious!):
Screenshot of meme from queens_over_bitches on Instagram: ?If guys want to start sending me dog pics instead of dick pics that would be gr8? Author?s response: ?I don?t get dick pics (other than the best one from you!), but I do get near-daily ?hi, yer cute? kind of shit in my DMs. Why don?t guys send dog pics? It?d make so much more sense.? Screenshot by author
Seriously, guys, if you want a response other than screaming and running away, send DOG PICS instead of ill-lit dick pics.
My friend read this but never responded. I figured he just agreed with me since he?s also a dog fan. And sent me an illicit Dick Van Dyke photo. No need to respond. He gets it.
But he told me when we met up that a friend of his was looking over his shoulder when he opened that message and his friend couldn?t get over how I?d said he?d sent me the best dick pic ever.
His friend kept asking probing questions about this best-ever dick pic, but my friend wouldn?t elaborate. He?d just confirm that yes, indeed, he did send the best dick pic ever.
Which makes this the story that it has become: not only did he make me laugh like a hyena over his choice of dick pic, but his friend now thinks either this guy has a monster dick or maybe a truly artistic way of showing his dick to women online.
His dick pic is the gift that keeps on giving.
Thank you, Dick Van Dyke.
Best. Dick. Pic. Ever.
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