A guide to the full swap.
Image from Pixabay
I really wanted to watch my boyfriend fuck another woman. Why? Um?you?d have to talk to my therapist about that ? man does she have some theories. But at the time I thought I wanted to watch him fuck another woman because Joel is so damn tightly wound. I wanted to see him let loose. Go crazy. Do something wild, really wild.
(Well, he?s also insanely jealous, well not insanely. I have given him plenty reason to be jealous. But even before I cheated on Joel he was possessive and weird about me and other men. I thought that this might calm him down. Yeah, that was dumb of me.)
(Another reason is that I believe that monogamy is sometimes a very inauthentic thing people do with one another. They begin faking so many things for the sake of perpetrating this monogamy myth that they are perfectly happy to be doing this same routine for the rest of their lives and that it?s absolutely wonderful.)
(I?m not saying all monogamous couples are fakes. I?m saying for me to be monogamous would entail me being very fake. And I don?t like being fake).
For all partners considering the full swap, I think one of them is often gently nudging the other over the edge, for various reasons. It could be for their own selfish reasons. A man might talk his girlfriend or wife into it because he is dying to fuck another woman and the only way that?s going to happen is if she fucks another man.
But there are instances where the push is more altruistic. I like to think I pushed Joel for his own good.
And spoiler alert, he did thank me. He admitted that he got a lot out of it. He kind of changed into a different person after. He was a lot lighter, less significant about everything. A little more confident even.
He was more fun!
Our first swap went totally great and afterwards we were both so glad we did it.
In the weeks after our first swap, Joel and I had amazing sex ourselves. It was like taking this step to ?open things up? brought the passion back to our sex. I really had never been happier in the hay, so to speak, and I think he felt the same.
Our second swap, however?
Well, I won?t get into the however?s just yet, but you should probably be warned that there were some serious unforeseen consequences to our second time full-on swinging with another couple.
A real, ahem, complication.
Which qualifies me eminently to write the following list of important things to keep in mind to avoid complications before, during and after your first FULL SWAP!
1. KEEP IT ON THE DL
Don?t swap partners with anybody in your social circle. Terrible idea. People can?t keep their mouths shut, you know that. Soon everybody will know you did it and they will begin to look at you funny, which is fine but rather annoying.
If you are a professional or a business person with a social circle full of regular upstanding citizens, you will naturally not want to shock everybody, and you don?t have to.
Sure, some people want to be all punk about it ? yeah, I?m a swinger now, so? You got a problem wid dat?
We weren?t like that, of course. But even if you go online to find your swinging partners, it?s not that simple keeping it on the DL. First of all, you have to put a photo out there. I know, you could blur out the faces, but those photos aren?t effective at getting you attention. But if you put yourself online, at some point, somebody might see a photo of the two of you with the caption underneath: looking to play with like-minded couple. You don?t want your best client running across that now, do you? Of course, the question arises, what was your best client doing on that site to begin with.
The solution: fake pics.
That?s what we did. From being a blogger here I knew all about Pexels and Unsplash and Pixabay and for the real good stuff, a free month subscription to Shutterstock or Adobe, where you can find from very sexy people in some very sexy poses.
That way, someone can reply to your post, and you can get into relationship with them, texting back and forth, but early on of course letting them know that the picture wasn?t you guys. Then you can privately send the real pictures of you guys.
They?ll be a little disappointed, sure. They thought they?d stumbled across the two hottest models on Pixabay ? yeah, like that is going to happen.
They will take what they can get, trust me. And by the way, make sure to get some current pictures of them, too. Because they might look hot in those photos they posted online ? which were taken fifteen years ago!
Fifteen is a lot of years for a face to be falling and for a stomach to be sagging. Things happen, people. It?s not our fault, but they do.
Get the current photos early on, and don?t waste your time.
And if the couple looks too hot ? be skeptical. Lower your expectations. You are not going to be swinging with 9s or 10s probably. They all belong to some 9 or 10 swingers club that we regular people don?t know about. When Joel and I found a couple of solid 8s, we were overjoyed.
2. CHOOSE SOMEONE WITH SOME EXPERIENCE
Kayla and Josh were our first partners, professional, good looking and cool. They laughed a lot. Plus they had swapped before and had a great time and were looking to do it again. We liked that. Since we had never full swapped, we didn?t want to be reinventing the wheel. These guys had found out some things, we could tell, that were worth knowing ahead of time. (Now, actually, since I?m writing this article and telling you what the value of this previous experience is, you might be OK going with a total newbie ? but obviously I did not have the luxury of my own sage advice at that point.)
The first thing they told me is that there are some real STD problems among the swingers in our area and that we should get some current doctors reports giving whoever we ended up with a clean bill of health. Joel, being a medical person, was well into that.
The second thing they suggested was that we all be in the same bed, or the same room at least, because, they warned, separating off into different rooms can lead to paranoia. Finally, they said we should meet in a hotel, because that is a neutral playing field. They said in their experience, going to someone?s house created a power imbalance and more paranoia.
Paranoia, they said, is the thing that you want to mostly avoid while doing this, because in Josh?s words, ?it can ruin the game.?
3. STICK TO SAME ROOM
The second time we swapped, the couple we hooked up with didn?t want to do same room.
Hector and Melissa. They were our age, and extremely nice people. And it?s not their fault, really what happened. But I think it all went wrong because of their insistence that separating was better than staying in the same room for swapping. This is what they texted us:
?Our experience is that after we switch partners we should give each other a little privacy. Separate bedrooms for the swappers. Same room swinging doesn?t let you to fully connect with the person your[sic] with. You get too self conscious, knowing you?re being watched. We really recommend that we start off all together in like a living room, and then go off to separate bedrooms with our opposing partners.?
I was disappointed because as I said at the beginning of the article, I wanted to watch Joel fuck. Watching him fucking Kayla while I was with Josh had been a very liberating experience for me.
But Hector and Melessa sounded like they knew what they were talking about, and I did realize that I would be able to be much more uninhibited with Hector if I had the man all to myself, not worrying about his girlfriend?s feelings or Joel?s feelings.
So we arrived at separate swap.
They lived in San Diego, and us in LA, so we picked a spot about halfway, down in La Jolla, and rented a big suite in a hotel. It was pretty fucking expensive, but hey it felt like a vacation, which was something Joel and I really needed. We had both been really working hard lately.
3. BEWARE OF FLAKES
This was so exciting to look forward to. Of course, there are lots of flakes who chicken out. We went well down the road with a few other couples, but when it came down to scheduling a face to face meetup at a bar or something, they would suddenly go quiet. That?s not a good sign.
We had been disappointed a couple times, so while we were driving down there to La Jolla, we were well aware that even though they seemed so cool, it was quite possible that Hector and Melissa might not even show up.
And that?s fine. Swapping partners is a huge deal. It is natural and perfectly OK for people to have second thoughts.
The thing I don?t like is the failure to communicate. The going silent. Duh, guys, you have a phone. How about a text message?
4. KEEP IN MIND ? FEELINGS HAPPEN
If you have some idea that you and your partner can somehow turn yourselves into sex automatons and go down to a hotel, meet a sexy couple, switch partners, have great sex with them, shake hands and happily drive home, you might be a little naive.
You are bringing your heart with you. Hearts have feelings. Connections are made. Emotions are felt.
Extremely powerful emotions.
I don?t think I?ve ever felt anything like it, actually, having group sex with Josh and Kayla, and having this swapping sex with Hector and Melissa. It was so weird and wonderful.
When we met Hector and Melissa in the bar of the hotel, I was quite attracted to him. I mean, he was an ex-marine, and I am a total sucker for soldiers. I felt very excited to be connecting with his kind of dominant energy. Joel is very passive and let?s me boss him around like crazy. So this was all very fun for me.
The problem wasn?t me. Or Hector. Or Joel. The problem was Melissa. I could see right away that she was totally smitten with Joel. She worked as a nurse. Joel is a surgeon. Duh. That should have been a red flag for us. Nurses totally look up to the surgeons. They?re like gods. Lots of them marry surgeons, you know.
I was happy to see her all gaga over Joel, and I think Joel was too. Hector didn?t seem threatened by it either.
We were sitting there in the living room of the suite, drinking some champagne and about to start the swap in earnest.
Hector was with me on my couch, and Melissa was sitting on Joel?s lap! Ha. She was crazy about him. She gave him a nickname, Doctor Joel. She loved saying that. She kept asking him, ?Doctor Joel, are you going to examine me.?
Hector was into it. ?Yeah, go ahead, Doctor Joel, take her in the bedroom and examine her.?
And soon off they went.
Hector and I went into the other room.
I was so happy for Joel. This nurse was so sexy, with much bigger breasts than mine. And that warm Latina personality ? not a sarcastic bitch like me. I was so full of gladness that finally he was getting what he really deserved ? a nice girl to fuck, that I hardly noticed what was going on with me and Hector.
As we made love, from next door I could hear Melissa screaming and shouting.
?It sounds like your boyfriend is doing a pretty good job in there,? Hector laughed with me, as we took a little pause in the action. Then he looked at me with an intense expression.
?It makes me want to fuck you in your sweet ass.?
And right here I?m going to hold down the control key and the enter key to make three little dots for you all, and leave a little to your imagination about what happened next
After we were done, we all met back out in the living room, and now Melissa and Joel were like boyfriend and girlfriend. She hardly looked at Hector. I was curious to know how Joel was doing, and Joel told me he was good so I relaxed. But it was a little weird the way that Melissa was clinging to his hand and still covering him with kisses and affection even after all the fucking was over.
I chocked it up to cultural difference.
I was wrong.
So that?s why I say, keep in mind, feelings happen. Because feelings really happened to Melissa.
A week later Joel told me that he had gotten a bunch of texts and voice messages from Melissa. That?s kind of a big no-no.
5. DO NOT TRIANGULATE THE SQUARE
The square is a stable geometry. Two partners, four points. Stable. Strong. Nothing can bring down that house.
The triangle, however, is an unstable geometry.
When there are three sides, one side must feel excluded, while the other two bond.
That?s what Melissa did by texting and phoning Joel ? she created two unstable triangles, one between me her and Joel, and the other between her, Hector and Joel.
Actually, it makes perfect sense, as any square can be divided into two right triangles. Just draw a line from one corner to the other.
That?s what she did ? she drew that line. She kept asking Joel to come down to San Diego. Her boyfriend Hector was going away for a week on business. She really wanted to see Joel.
I tried to alleviate the tension of the triangle by taking myself out of it.
?You can go see her if you want,? I told Joel. ?I don?t mind, honestly.?
Joel was very reluctant to do it. ?I don?t want to lead her on,? he said. ?I think you know??
?Yeah, I know,? I said. ?I could see it in her face. She?s got a massive crush on you honey. You should be proud of yourself.?
But he didn?t look proud of himself. He looked worried.
Long story short, while her husband was away, Melissa came all the way up to LA and went to see Joel at his hospital.
Oh my God.
That really was bad. She made like a whole scene in front of all the people there, the other doctors, the patients, she was telling Joel he was an asshole for not responding to her texts and ghosting her. She yelled out that she knew he felt something for her, because saw it in his eyes when they were making love.
Joel was so freaked out. And of course, he was angry at me, as this had all been my idea, after all.
Meanwhile, what about Hector? Now that this had happened, I recalled him talking about his time in Afghanistan and that he was some kind of sniper or weapons expert or something.
I was worried about Joel. What if Hector got mad at Joel for making his girlfriend so smitten?
The worst thing of all was the administrators in the hospital opened what they call is a ?file? on the incident, and Joel had to go to the HR office and answer a bunch of embarrassing questions about what caused the unfortunate ?incident.?
Joel was so pissed. And of course, he decided to hold all this against me, even though he admitted he had gotten something positive out of swapping. But I told him I was sorry.
In the end, it all blew over. It wasn?t Fatal Attraction. Melissa didn?t boil our bunny rabbit. Hector didn?t blow Joel?s head off.
We blocked their numbers and everything and never heard from them again.
6. SWAPPING WILL NOT WRECK YOUR RELATIONSHIP ? BUT IT WON?T SAVE IT EITHER
I think swapping would be great for a couple who were really aligned with one another in terms of goals and dreams. But if there are problems in the relationship, it is not going to help them.
One night, after a big fight, Joel laid down the law. He wanted to be regular boyfriend and girlfriend. In fact, he wanted to get married and have babies and just be regular couple. He demanded monogamy. Even though he knew that was impossible for me.
?Why won?t you marry me?? he yelled at me.
?Uh, because you?re yelling at me, that?s why!? I yelled back. ?What kind of proposal is that!?
?What kind of girlfriend are you?? he yelled at me. And then he yelled some other things that I can?t even write here. And our relationship really took a nosedive after that.
But it wasn?t about swapping. It was about me not wanting to get married and about me not wanting kids. But that?s a whole other story.
I don?t know if I ever believed swapping would ?save? our relationship, but I thought it would kind of be a step out of the monogamous prison I was beginning to resent.
And, since Joel and I are now in the process of breaking up, I guess in the end I got what I wanted.