It?s more than sex, it?s the intimate bond that ties you together
Photo by AlessandroBiascioli from Depositphotos
As a man, one of the things that we?re not properly taught as we?re growing up and entering into our adulthood as sexual beings is the difference between ?making love? and ?having sex?.
Young men focus on the physical aspects of sexual relationships and the mechanics of making it all work.
Most young men even struggle with the mechanics of sex for a while as we learn how everything on our own bodies works let alone how something much more complex like female sexual pleasure and emotional fulfillment operates.
If we?re being fully honest with each other, most men only figure out the ?making love? part when we enter into a meaningful long-term relationship for the first time as adults.
What?s The Difference?
Probably the best way to go about making sure we?re all talking about the same thing is to lay out some definitions for context.
Now, these are my definitions and I?m sure people will be able to pick them apart, but I?m going to keep things high-level and simple so that we?re all talking about the same things.
Making Love
This is the time when you?re having a physical and sexual interaction with someone with whom you have a much deeper emotional connection. The entire physical experience that you?re having is driven by a deep longing to be close to them as intimately as possible.
Ok, that?s seriously a mouthful, so let?s break that down even further.
Making love to someone is the feeling and desire to be as close to your partner as you can get. There?s an emotional ?need? to be with them in that moment.
Sex is usually part of it, but the pleasurable elements of orgasms and physical sensations are often secondary to the emotional fulfillment of sharing that moment with this other person.
Having Sex
This is the kind of sex where the focus is flipped around the other way ? you?re more interested in the act of giving pleasure and receiving it physically.
There may well be an emotional element, but the primary objective is less about the feeling of being ?with? this other person so much as it is about experiencing physical pleasure with them from sexual contact.
I think of this as more primal in nature.
Blurring The Lines
It would be remiss not to point out that there are times when these lines get blurred, things are obviously not always cut and dry.
You might be laying in bed, decide to reach out and ?feel up? your wife and before you know it, you?re having a deep and meaningful session of lovemaking.
Conversely, you might be making out, cuddling, touching each other in a slow sensual way, and then a few minutes later your wife is pegging you and telling you to call her ?Mistress?.
Things can be pretty fluid when it comes to sex and intimate relationships, but for the sake of this discussion, we?ll stick to keeping them as separate things.
The Finer Elements of Successful Lovemaking
This isn?t going to be a ?tips and tricks? cheat sheet. I?m not writing a ?lovemaking hacks? guide for sexually inept men here.
Think of this as a blueprint about the things you can do to maximize the overall intimacy and satisfaction from your lovemaking sessions.
Being Present
This is one of those ?woo woo? terms that I normally find myself hearing and shaking my head, but when it comes to the topic of making love to your wife, it?s really something that resonates with me.
In my experience, what your wife or female partner wants from you as a man is for you to be there in the moment with her.
She doesn?t want you thinking about what position you?re going to move her into, how fast or slow you?re going, whether or not she?s cumming or you’re cumming.
She wants you to just be there and concentrating on sharing yourself with her and luxuriating in the way she?s sharing herself with you.
We, men, get really super distracted during sex ? I noticed it myself the other day. I was looking at the mirror off to the side of our bed, I started thinking about how we needed to get up and have a shower because we were meant to go grocery shopping, and then I noticed that there was a bird on our bedroom deck.
We weren?t really making love, we were having sex. It was good sex, it almost always is, but I wasn?t present. I was in automatic mode and my wife probably was as well.
When you?re making love to your wife, you have to switch that off and focus ? you have to be present.
Take Your Time
In my relationship, we have a lot of morning sex. I like it and so does she ? it?s a great way to start the day and you?re getting up to have a shower anyway, so may as well make it count.
That kind of morning sex is usually pretty mechanical and deliberate ? we?re each focusing on doing the things the other one likes so that we both get our happy ending before moving on with the day.
After a couple of decades of marriage, sex can be incredibly good in under fifteen minutes if we?ve got our game face on.
But that?s not a lovemaking session.
That takes time. That?s where you slow everything down and feel what?s going on between you.
Fellas, I?m telling you straight up, this is what your wife wants ? she wants you to make love to her in a way that she loses track of time because she?s lost in what you have going on between you.
And that?s what happens during amazing lovemaking sessions, you look at the clock when you?re done and four hours have gone by.
But it didn?t feel like four hours? You were present and in the moment with each other and time just moved on without you.
Enjoy Her Body? And Let Her Know!
One lesson that I learned from my father about women was that it pays to offer them compliments. Not the vapid and empty kind of compliments, nothing hollow ? women know when you?re blowing smoke.
But real compliments, ones that are meaningful and heartfelt.
My wife is absolutely stunning and I?m not just saying that ? she?s in her late 40?s and she looks easily 15 years younger. She?s got an amazing body that she spends time tweaking in the gym and she?s been blessed with beautiful, symmetrical facial features.
I tell her all the time she?s hot and beautiful.
With having said that, there is no compliment that I can ever give her that means as much as the ones that I give her during a proper lovemaking session.
Breaking off a deep kiss while you?re inside your wife and telling her how beautiful she is or how amazingly soft her lips are is like using a cheat code in a video game. You just unlock all of the bonus prizes with that.
And it?s not just compliments about how she looks or feels?
?My God, I love making love to you? in the middle of an intense session is probably the hottest thing you can say to a woman because it?s not about the sex, you?re telling her that in that moment of extreme intimacy, being with her in that way is one of your favorite things.
You don?t have to recite a sonnet while you?re making love to her, but telling her how much you love and appreciate her, is like relationship jet fuel.
Pulling it Altogether
Over the long haul of a fulfilling relationship, there?s this Hollywood romantic myth that you and your partner are going to make love every time you have sex. Hell, they even refer to it as ?making love? a lot of the time in TV shows and movies.
I?m close to collecting my 25th-year of marriage trophy, so I can tell you unequivocally that this isn?t how reality functions. My wife and I have an amazing sex life, but proper ?lovemaking sessions? are happening a couple of times a month, tops.
We?re having sex three or four times a week, and it?s terrific, but once a week or so, there?s a moment where it turns into something deeper and you just collapse into each other for something more meaningful.
Making love is a big part of the intimacy in a relationship, but it?s not the only part ? we?ll have intimate moments while we?re driving back from the grocery store as we discuss something deeply personal with each other or even just falling asleep in each other?s arms watching TV on the sofa.
The problem that I hear from a lot of women is that their sex lives have lost that level of intimacy, they aren?t making love to their husband or partner anymore or worse, he doesn?t even know how!
So gentlemen?
Take a second and ask yourself, when was the last time that you really made love to your wife?
When have you found yourself staring into her eyes as you?re inside her, thinking that there?s no place you?d rather be in the world in that moment in time, and better yet, telling her that?
If you can?t remember, then now is a good time to start thinking about how to remedy that situation and reconnecting intimately with your wife or partner.
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