Please Don’t Suck My Clit

Please Don’t Suck My Clit

No matter what Nina Hartley says

Image for postPhoto by: Roman Samborskyi / Shutterstock

Clit sucking seems to be having a moment.

It seems like everyone going online for advice about how to give good oral is being told to suck the clit.

Some claim to know from direct experience (they love it, or an ex of theirs went wild for it); others parrot Nina Hartley?s line about sucking it like a tiny dick. But they all brag about having unlocked the secret to making her come fast, come hard, and come often.

Then there?s all the hype surrounding the Womanizer, a clitoral stimulator that most reviewers seem to have gone absolutely bananas over.

It?s claim to fame? It sucks your clit with incredible results: fast and powerful orgasms that come in quick succession, anorgasmic women climaxing like nobody?s business, and the dubious claim that it feels exactly like receiving oral sex.

That all sounds really awesome, except for one thing. It doesn?t work for me.

My first encounter with clit sucking happened ages ago, when Mr. Austin and I first started getting frisky. Whenever he?d go down on me, he liked to vary his technique. Sometimes, he?d throw a little suction in the mix.

I was never a big fan of it. Mostly, it just felt weird. But I put up with it because it was always brief and I didn?t have the confidence to just talk about that kind of stuff back then.

Well, eventually we did have the talk, and he has thankfully taken it out of rotation (it?s fine, he?s got plenty of other moves).

When I first read about clit sucking toys, I had very little interest in them. But after seeing all the hype that was building around them, I got a little curious. I didn?t like it when Mr. Austin hoovered my clit, but what if I?m missing out on a whole category of sex toys that could give me some really choice orgasms?

Trying My First (and Probably Last) Clit Stimulator

The Womanizer gets a lot of press, but it?s also got a three figure price tag. So, I found a more affordable brand (Paloqueth) that had decent user reviews.

When I first unboxed it and turned it on, I didn?t really get any sexy vibes from it. The mechanical suction just reminded me of a breast pump. But hey, I?ve never used a breast pump on my pussy so who knows?

I realized immediately that it has one distinct disadvantage ? I wouldn?t be able to use it while lying on my stomach.

It also needs a bit of precision ? you can?t just fuck around with it the way you would with a vibrator. You?re supposed to latch this thing onto your clit and let it do its business.

So, that?s exactly what I did. I turned it on the lowest setting because I?m a clit sucker noob, but it was already way too intense.

I was promised a sex toy that would replicate my partner?s misguided use of his lips. Instead, it felt like my clit was being pinched repeatedly, which was not a pleasant sensation.

Image for postPhoto by: DZeta / Shutterstock ? Sadly, mine did not look like a penguin

I adjusted and readjusted it but there was just no way to make that odd sensation go away. There was no escaping it ? this was the ride I had bought a ticket for.

It was way too intense to be pleasurable, but I was going to stick it through anyway.

I told myself that maybe I just needed to get used to the weird sensations it was giving me.

Or maybe if I could power through them I would experience those rocket-powered orgasms everyone seems to be having with these.

But deep down I knew that I just couldn?t bear to pay money on a toy and not use it. I?m cheap to a fault.

So, I let it have its way with my clit. I groaned through it (in more of a ?why am I doing this?? than ?omg!? kind of way) and then I had what is probably the weirdest orgasm of my life ? and I routinely have some that make me laugh out loud.

It?s hard for me to describe orgasms. They?re so irreducibly subjective. But I can say that it?s probably the only orgasm I ever had that I wasn?t sure I enjoyed.

It was sort of like having sex with a guy you don?t like all that much and then immediately regretting it.

So, yeah, I came, but at what cost? In the end, I was just sore and confused.

Needless to say, this toy didn?t earn a spot in my nightstand. I relegated it to the back corner of my dresser drawer, right behind the Magic Wand. The Wand might be too much for my clit, too, but at least it can massage my back.

Feels Like Oral Sex?

I get that this toy just isn?t for me. I?m just too sensitive to enjoy it, and that?s fine.

I?m not skeptical of other people enjoying clit stimulators (or clit sucking in general), but I have to call foul on the writers claiming that using one of these toys feels just like receiving oral sex.

I?m willing to concede that suction is suction. But there?s a difference between having a silicone ring around your clit and having someone?s lips in the same position.

Oral sex isn?t just about the amount of pressure or suction you?re getting. It?s also about the texture, warmth, and slickness of your partner?s lips and tongue, and the way they touch your lips and clit.

Even if you can get the suction right, this doesn?t replicate the full experience.

But maybe the most puzzling thing about this claim is that it implies that oral sex is just a non-stop clit sucking extravaganza.

Even if this toy could perfectly simulate clit sucking, it still wouldn?t replace oral sex unless it could also mimic kissing, licking, lapping, flicking, and all the other stuff a mouth can do when it?s between your legs.

When they make a toy that can do all that, I?ll be the first in line. And I won?t even give a fuck if it costs three figures.

There?s No Sex Algorithm

Clit sucking and clit stimulators aren?t my jam, and I?m guessing that?s typical for women who are on the more sensitive side. But I?m sure it works wonders for those who aren?t.

I am in full and complete support of people getting off in whatever way they need to. And if these toys are helping women come for the first time, then amen to that.

The problem isn?t with sucking per se (though keep it away from my clit, please). The problem is how many people seem to think that it?s the key to making women climax. I?ve seen forum after forum filled with guys claiming that giving good oral is all about sucking on the clit ? that it?s the one tip you need to give a rapid succession of intense orgasms.

And all the claims made about the Womanizer and hearing the tip from an authority like Nina Hartley (who has certainly eaten more pussy than your average schmoe) reinforce that impression.

I?m all for people trading tips and discussing what works (or doesn?t) for them and their partners, but I wish we?d stop acting like we cracked the sex algorithm with one magic move or one amazing toy.

Everyone is different. When it comes to masturbation, sex, and sex toys, there?s absolutely nothing that works for everyone.

But also, trying to game the system this way kind of takes the fun out of it. There are things that are basically guaranteed to make me come, but there?s more to sex than just mashing the right button until you have an orgasm.

I want to explore. I want to feel different things. I want variety. I don?t want my partner to just stick to one move because he?s sure it?ll give me a fast orgasm.

So, if you want to pleasure a lady, don?t go into it thinking that all you need to do is suck on her clit until some magic happens. Tease, explore, play around, have fun, and communicate. Unless she asks for non-stop suction, you?ll probably need a few more tricks up your sleeve.

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