We haven?t laughed this hard in a while
Photo by: AlessandroBiascioli / Shutterstock
I asked my husband to fill out a sex questionnaire with me so we could learn more about our preferences, turn-ons, and turn-offs.
We tried one last year and ended up having long discussions about sex acts we want to try, things we might be interested in doing if the planets aligned just right, and the stuff that we didn?t even find appealing in theory.
We learned a lot about each other, but I feel like I?ve changed a lot since then. In that brief span of time, I?ve discovered new sexual desires I didn?t know I had and started rethinking some of my old answers.
But we talk about sex a lot and we?re very open with each other, so I worried that I was just wasting our time. When we sat down to go over the results, though, I was surprised at just how much we had to talk about.
Picking the Right Questionnaire
We narrowed it down to three questionnaires, but only ended up using one.
Last year, we tried MojoUpgrade, so we thought that would be a good place to start. But I ran into problems as soon as I got to the second question.
I don?t think I?ve ever been able to fill out a form without asking for some kind of clarification. The wording often seems ambiguous or the answers don?t quite fit.
That was the case here. MojoUpgrade presents you with a series of sexual activities, like ?Watch porn together,? and you have to respond with one of three options: Nah, If partner wants, or Yep.
I?m Yep for watching porn with my husband, but for most other things that?s a bit strong. My answer to ?Have sex with someone while Mr. Austin watches? is closer to ?Well, just who the hell is this person and how cute am I feeling that day??
Then we tried the Sexionnaire. The home page warned us that it was huge, and we discovered that a huge questionnaire is like a really big cock: sounds fun on paper but then you realize it?s just too much.
The Sexionnaire was really thorough, and if you and your partner want to do a deep dive into all sorts of kinks, that might be the way to go. But we skipped whole sections on things like emetophilia (most of you will regret googling that) and coprophilia (ditto).
Some items also stopped us dead in our tracks. We zoomed through items like ?Have sex right after he cums in your pussy? (ugh, I wish!) but we just had to laugh and talk about ?Brush your teeth with his cum.?
(For the record, that?s a No for both of us.)
The Sexionnaire?s his and hers format was also very heteronormative. That wasn?t an obstacle for us, but come on, guys. MojoUpgrade at least starts off by asking whether you and your partner have a hole or a pole (their words, not mine!)
We Should Try It
We ended up using We Should Try It.
The biggest appeal of this questionnaire is how fine-grained the answers get. Instead of being a yes and no questionnaire, it gives six options. In addition to No, Maybe, and Yes, you can also choose Already do that, If partner interested, and I want more.
On top of that, when you choose Maybe, If partner interested, or I want more, you can rate how interested you are in doing the act in question on a scale of one to five.
We answered the first three categories of questions: Basics, Advanced (mostly BDSM), and Bonus.
We also had the option of purchasing three Advanced Packs of 50 questions, each of which promises ?Various new ideas.? But each one is $2.49 USD and I?m super cheap.
I mean, I want to get to know my husband a little better, but do I really want to spend $7.47 to do it when I can just grill him for free?
Thankfully, the free version still gave us plenty to talk about.
Our Post-Questionnaire Discussion
There were a lot of things that were obvious to us or that we?ve already talked to death.
It didn?t come as a shock, for example, when Mr. Austin selected ?I want more? for receiving oral sex, and he didn?t really seem surprised that I chose the same for receiving sensual massages.
We both knew that tit fucking is something he enjoys but that I feel very neutral toward.
And we already knew that we shared the same opinions about group sex: if we met the right person or couple it could be amazing, but a 5+ person orgy sounds more confusing than sexy.
But there were some answers that got us talking (and laughing) a lot.
?Talk dirtier to partner?
I have no complaints in this department. Mr. Austin has learned to hit that sweet spot of saying plenty of naughty stuff without overdoing it.
I clicked Maybe on this one, and my husband revealed that he would like me to do more of it.
I love dirty talk, but I?m also painfully shy. Naughty stuff crosses my mind all the time but it almost never crosses my lips.
So, I don?t do much, but I was surprised to discover that we disagreed about how much of it I did. I include things like ?Oh my God,? ?Yes!,? and ?Fuck yes, keep going!? ? all of which I exclaim regularly. Mr. Austin, however, doesn?t think they count. He said ? and I quote ? ?those are more like verbal moans.?
Fine. I guess I can try harder.
?Roleplay in costumes?
We both put this one as a maybe, and we did it for the same reason: not all that interested in roleplaying, but a hard yes to costumes.
I love the idea of dressing up as Snow White to have sex, but I don?t think I want Mr. Austin to bang me while pretending to be Doc.
That turned out to be a handy bit of info, because we?ve often made comments about roleplaying but never really followed through on them. Turns out it?s because neither of us wanted to play a role.
Now we know what we both really want: to order a bunch of sexy getups on Etsy.
?Listen to romantic music while having sex?
It?s been a long time since we fucked to music, but it?s something we always used to do.
When I first moved in with Mr. Austin, we lived in his parents? basement. And when we first got a place of our own, it was in an apartment building with questionable soundproofing. So, we used music to cover up noise while we were having sex.
Covering up the sound we were making was part of the appeal, but mostly I didn?t want the mood to be ruined by my father-in-law yelling ?Dear, where did you put my work shirt?? to his wife.
I might have recovered from that, but hearing her yell back ?How the heck should I know where you put your clothes?!? would have really thrown off my rhythm.
Because of that, there are a lot of songs that are associated with sex memories in my mind. If there?s 80s pop or new wave playing somewhere, chances are it?s reminding me of a time we fucked.
It makes going to the mall a bit weird, but it?s nice overall.
This is something that we just kind of stopped doing over time. We got a place with good soundproofing, so it wasn?t a necessity, and after we had kids we needed to be able to hear the baby monitor.
But I didn?t realize how much I missed it until I answered that question.
Once I?m done writing this article, I might just make a playlist.
?Use sex furniture (such as a sex swing or ramp)?
We?ve both made comments about wanting to try sex furniture, but never seriously talked about it until we compared our answers.
Using a sex swing is a yes for both of us, but only in theory. In reality, it?s a little more complicated.
For one thing, neither of us are that great at assembling flat packed furniture, so I don?t know if I trust a sex swing we put together. And I really don?t want to call one of those handymen for hire to come set it up for me.
It?s also not a very discrete item. Even if we did figure out a place to put it, we?d have to explain to our kids what it is in a way that satisfies their curiosity but also doesn?t result in a phone call home when they repeat it at school.
And we just know the kids would be in it all the damn time. They?d end up getting more use out of the sex swing than I would, and I really don?t want them in my bedroom that often.
A ramp or a wedge would be much more feasible. We could just tuck it in the closet when it?s not in use, and if we forget it on the bed, we could just tell the kids it?s some kind of ergonomic device. By the time we?re done answering ?What?s ergonomic?? they will have forgotten all about the wedge.
The only thing keeping us from getting one is that, like I said above, I?m cheap.
We?re library people. We don?t buy books if we can borrow them instead. And we?re not going to splurge on a sex ramp when we have a few extra pillows we can stack up.
?Have sex in a car?
We both gave half-assed answers to this one.
We both agreed that we?re done having penetrative sex in cars. There?s just no way to do it comfortably.
Handjobs, blowjobs, and clit stroking would work better, but I still don?t see us running off to the garage just for a change of scenery.
My sex in cars days are behind me. I could do it for the novelty, I guess, but I got novelty sex out of my system a long time ago. I care a lot more about having good sex now.
An unsatisfying quickie just because we haven?t fucked in our minivan yet just doesn?t sound appealing.
?Have partner kiss my ears?
For this one, I answered that I?d do it if my partner was into it.
That came as a shock to Mr. Austin.
?I thought that was a foolproof move,? he told me. And come to think of it, it?s true that he kisses my earlobes pretty often.
It does get a physical reaction from me every time, but I had to break the news to him. ?That?s not arousal. That?s me squirming because it tickles.?
I?m glad we cleared the air on that one. I don?t mind him kissing my ears, but at least now I won?t have to wonder why the hell he?s licking my earlobe instead of licking the parts of my body that really get me going.
A Fun Way to Get to Know Each Other
Doing a sex questionnaire like We Should Try It is something I would recommend other couples do, too.
It?s a lot of fun, it?s a great conversation starter, and you?ll probably have a lot of laughs going over some of the results.
I don?t know that it?s going to change our sex life much (though I might hit the post-Halloween costume sales a little harder this year), but it?s a great, low-pressure way to find out what your partner?s into, and to reveal your preferences to them.
And depending on your answers you might find yourself upside down in a sex swing, wearing a Little Bo Peep costume having the best sex of your life.
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