Without messing her up in the process
Photo by: VGstockstudio / Shutterstock
Pickup artists are wrong about a lot of things. But there?s one thing they?re right about: you have the power to make a woman addicted to you.
You can take steps to be the guy who gives her butterflies when she sees your name come up on her phone. You can make her think about you when you?re not around. You can be the one she pictures in her future.
The problem is that pickup artist tactics are the wrong way to make that happen.
Some of their tactics just don?t work, like negging. A little playful teasing works if you do it right. But backhanded compliments and outright insults don?t. If she goes home with you after you negged her, she would?ve gone home with you anyway. She didn?t respond to the negging ? she ignored it.
Kino, too. A little light touching can work if things are already going well and it happens organically. But that?s just it ? it helps you escalate something that?s already escalating on its own. The only thing that touching her early and often will escalate is her discomfort.
But then there?s fractionation. That?s a fancy term pickup artists use for playing hot and cold. And it does work ? not every time and not on every woman, but often enough.
Fractionation works by putting a woman on an emotional roller coaster. You make her happy and then make her sad. You act highly invested and present and then become emotionally unavailable (if not entirely unavailable). You make her feel safe and reassured and then make her feel worthless.
Those highs and lows are meant to make her addicted to you. The emotional roller coaster causes her to feel pain, anguish, and anxiety while also believing that you?re the only person who can take away that distress. So, she does whatever she can to get your attention, your affection, or to just get back on your good side.
Any woman who has been a little too deeply involved with a fuckboi knows exactly what it?s like.
So, it works, but it?s misguided, and for two reasons.
First, it?s toxic as hell. If your method for getting a woman to be into you, uphold a relationship with you, or sleep with you is to hurt her emotionally, you need to rethink your approach, get some new tools, and maybe take a break from dating so you can recalibrate your thinking.
But also, it?s not even the best way to get a woman addicted to you. There are other things you can do to make a woman feel like you?re intoxicating, like she doesn?t want to be without you, like all she wants to do is hold you, drag you, and lock the bedroom door behind you.
Best of all, she?ll do all that without spending half her time wondering why you?re such a dick and wishing she could just quit you (and spoiler alert: if you?re using pickup artist tactics to keep her, she will eventually leave).
And it even works on the women who are immune to pickup artist tactics.
So, ditch the mind games and follow these tips instead. They?ll help you make her addicted to you without making you a mistake she regrets.
Treat Her Right
Okay, this is basic, but it?s the mindset you need to take with a woman if you want to improve your odds of having her fall for you.
Don?t spend your time thinking ?How can I get her to fuck me?? or ?How can I make her stick around??
Instead, think more along the lines of ?What can I do to make her happy?? or ?How can I make her feel good right now??
If you can make that part of your mindset, you?ve taken the most important step. It?s the groundwork to being a decent guy and if you don?t have it in place, the rest won?t matter.
Be Consistent
Everyone likes excitement and spontaneity, but that shouldn?t come at the expense of stability and security.
You don?t have to be completely predictable, but you should be reliable.
When you say you?ll do something, do it. Don?t be flakey or make false promises. No one likes a guy who talks a big talk but never follows through on it.
And that goes double for the emotional stuff. When you act hot and cold toward her, it will either make her miserable or it will cause her to lose interest in you. Either way, that?s not the outcome you want. Even if it does make her obsess over you, it won?t be because she can?t stop thinking about all of your great qualities ? it?ll be because she?s frustrated that you can?t just be better.
So, don?t play games. Don?t go back and forth, acting lovey dovey one day and distant the next. And definitely don?t act warm and present when you want to flirt and fuck and then casual and distant when you?re back in daytime mode. You can be a Lothario or you can be the guy she feels lucky to be with, but you can?t be both.
Feeling like she can count on you will make her take you a lot more seriously and want you more.
Be Present with Her
When you?re first getting to know each other, or getting to know each other on a deeper level, you?re setting the tone for everything that?s going to come between you.
Whether you?re going to be passionate friends with benefits, a brief but intense fling, or future spouses, you?ll have to establish that energy early on and keep building on it.
That kind of connection takes a lot of concentrated energy. You have to be present with each other so you feel like you?re building some quick and serious intimacy.
Everything just has to click. But it can?t if you?re not completely there with her.
When you?re with her, give her your full attention. Don?t keep checking your notifications when you?re hanging out with her. Don?t DM eighteen other girls when you?re texting her. And don?t multitask so much when you?re on the phone with her that you don?t register half the things she says.
Be an active listener, too. Pay attention to what she says. Ask her questions. Press her for more details when she tells you a story. And refer back to things she brought up in previous conversations.
And if you have to divide your attention or be absent for a while, be up front about it and why.
I was recently involved with a guy I really struggled to connect with. I really liked him but it didn?t end up going too far ? definitely not as far as I was hoping it would. And that started right from the beginning.
We were exchanging fun, flirty texts. But after a little while, he seemed kind of checked out. His flirty texts kept coming, but spaced out really far in between. So far in between I had a hard time staying interested in the conversation.
Turns out he wasn?t just checked out ? he was texting me while he was on a date with someone else.
That made it hard for us to build a genuine connection. He just wasn?t in it enough for that to happen.
That?s kind of an extreme example, but the point is, when you?re with her (or talking to her), be with her. She won?t prioritize you if you don?t prioritize her.
Tease Her Playfully
Teasing is a really good way to escalate intimacy. As long as you do it gently and playfully (don?t veer into negging territory), it shows that you?ve been paying attention to her. Establishing a banter will make you both more comfortable with each other.
Teasing shows that you like her but that you?re not putting her on a pedestal. It?s treating her like an equal while making her feel understood and appreciated.
Done really well and mixed with flirting, it can practically be a form of foreplay.
Take Initiative (Without Being Pushy)
Most of us are tired of guys who want to keep everything chill and casual. We know that?s code for making too little effort and expecting us to carry the whole relationship.
Take initiative and show her you?re not one of those guys. Start conversations with her instead of waiting for her to do it. Plan dates so she doesn?t have to be on the hook to figure out everything you?ll do. Surprise her with something sexy and fun so she can just let you sweep her off her feet and not have to worry about a thing.
Women tend to be the planners in relationships. We?re the ones who often have to handle the mental load and figure out all the little details. If you can take that load off her shoulders once in a while, it will make her feel really good about being with you.
Plus, taking initiative signals to her that she was on your mind even when you weren?t together. Thinking about where you want to take her on the next date or what sexy experiment you want to try the next time you fuck will make her feel special and show her that you really like her.
But don?t overdo it. Take some of the responsibilities off her shoulders but don?t invest too much in the outcome. If your date idea doesn?t appeal to her, don?t insist on it. Suggest alternatives. Take initiative but don?t present everything like a done deal. That just comes across as pushy.
Be Useful (Without Being a Pushover)
You?ll win points if you don?t need her to do basic things for you because you don?t know how to do them, and extra points if you can help her do things she doesn?t know how to.
When you?re with her, do some of the cooking. If you?re spending time at her place, help out with the cleaning. If she?s spending time at yours, make sure she doesn?t have to do all the cleaning for you. If you?re missing some of those basic skills, start learning them now.
And if she needs help, be the one to give it to her. Change her tire if she gets a flat. Help her troubleshoot that weird thing her laptop is doing. Help her put together the new bookshelf she ordered.
Doing all that will show that you can pull your own weight and add value. It makes you seem more independent and put together.
But be sure to know how to say no so you don?t get taken advantage of. You want to be useful, not a pushover.
Learn Her Love Language
If you want her to feel special, you should speak to her in all the five basic love languages (physical affection, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and thoughtful gift-giving). But you should figure out what love language she responds to best and really lean on that one.
My personal love language is words of affirmation. A guy could shower me in gifts and it wouldn?t matter as much as just a few sweet, reassuring words.
For her, it could be physical affection. Holding her hand and spending a lazy morning cuddling could mean more to her than making her an elaborate dinner.
The more you treat her in a way that resonates with her love language, the more she?ll feel understood, appreciated, and taken care of. And the more she?ll think of you as someone she needs to have in her life.
Take Your Personal Style Seriously
You don?t have to be obsessed with your personal appearance or dress like a model, but you should make some kind of effort.
Women are visual creatures, too. We want to be with someone who?s nice to look at. So, if you want her to really be into you, learn the basics of how to dress well. Make sure you?ve got the right outfits for different occasions ? don?t be the guy who wears a denim jacket to a five-star restaurant.
Make sure your grooming game is on point. If you?re going to grow a beard (yes, please) make sure you know how to trim it properly.
Work with your natural style. I personally like guys who make bold choices with colors and patterns. You might be more into a classic look. Or maybe you?re really good at rocking the hipster vibes. Whatever it is ? invest a little time in making yourself look your best. She?ll notice and it will make her feel even better about being around you.
Be Confident
I?ve always had a lot of insecurities. But as I?m getting older, I?m starting to realize that we all do. The trick is not to act like you?re falling apart because of them.
Learn to be comfortable with yourself instead of seeking constant validation. Don?t fish for compliments for every little thing you do. And don?t act like you?re intimidated by people around you and feel like you don?t belong anywhere you go.
I know that can be a tall order. I know that first-hand. I?m a pile of social anxiety. I?ve got more insecurities than I can keep track of. But I also know the power of faking it until you make it. Acting confident is the first step to becoming confident.
So, work on your confidence until you?re the kind of guy she feels at ease with instead of the guy she has to constantly reassure.
Be Vulnerable
Open up to her. Show her who you really are. Don?t curate yourself to the point where you don?t even come across like a real person. She won?t be crazy for you if she doesn?t feel like she knows you.
This is a big one for me. The sexiest thing a man can do for me is show me who he really is.
I?m completely turned off by men who speak in innuendos and cryptic language just because they?re afraid of being rejected. And the ones who brag and act cocky because they don?t want you to see any of their flaws are just as bad.
If you like her ? and you want her to like you back ? you should let your emotional side show. Plus, you want her to fall for the real you, so why show her anything else?
Be Interesting
You need to have some substance. Conversations that go nowhere are boring, and they?ll go nowhere if you have nothing interesting to share.
It doesn?t have to be much. You don?t need to have done anything impressive or be a master storyteller. You can keep learning new things instead of falling into ruts and routines. You can bring up the funniest or wildest things that happened to you and share all the key details. And you can learn to ask the kinds of open-ended questions that keep a conversation going instead of shutting them down.
I briefly dated an attractive guy who was nice and had good physical chemistry with me. But that?s all we had. The sex was great, but we couldn?t hold up a conversation. He just wasn?t all that interesting to me, and I guess I wasn?t all that interesting to him, either. We saw each other when it was convenient, but we never went out of our way to do it. And it fizzled out as soon as I got interested in someone else.
If talking to you isn?t any fun, the best you can hope for is to be in that situation. She might spend time with you when it?s convenient, but she won?t be eagerly awaiting the next time she gets to talk to you and chances are it won?t last long at all.
Take Consent Seriously
Get her consent ? her clear and enthusiastic consent ? before you take things to the next level. Yes, that means kissing, too.
It can be non-verbal consent. If she?s leaning in and hovering her lips over yours, that?s a green light. Ditto if she?s undoing your belt. But if it?s at all ambiguous, just ask. There are plenty of ways to do it that won?t kill the mood. Hell, there are ways to do it that are downright sexy.
Securing her consent will make her feel safe and respected and she?ll associate those positive and essential feelings with you.
Be a Good Kisser
There are people who are naturally good kissers. Unless he practiced on a teddy bear before he met me, my first boyfriend was one. But most of us aren?t. We fumble awkwardly through our first kisses. We learn bad kissing habits from romantic comedies and even worse ones from porn.
Thankfully, kissing is a skill you can learn.
A good kiss starts by building tension and anticipation. It?s not just about kissing her, but about making her want to kiss you.
It?s also about the other stuff you do while kissing her. The way you touch her lower back or the back of her neck with your hand. The way you pause in between kisses to take her in.
And of course, there?s some technique behind a good kiss, too.
It?s worth mastering because great kissing creates intimacy and gets her hormones firing on all cylinders.
Spending an evening curled up on the couch making out like a couple of teenagers will make her feel young and desired. And that feeling will make her keep coming back to you.
Be Really Fucking Good in Bed
Once you?ve mastered the kissing, master what comes next.
Unless you?re asexual, sex is a huge part of a relationship. Good sex is a powerful act of bonding. Great sex will keep her thinking about you during every waking moment. Amazing sex will make her crave you badly.
But bad sex or sexual incompatibility? That can get in the way of you developing serious chemistry.
Here, too, there are some skills involved. You should have a basic understanding of what it takes to use your hands and your mouth to get her off.
But the main thing is to be attentive to her needs. Every woman is different and you have to learn how to give her pleasure.
Ask her what she likes and be comfortable taking directions from her without taking it personally. Listen to what she says and pay attention to her non-verbal cues to so you can figure out when you need to give her more of something or to switch up your technique.
And be generous. Put her pleasure first. Take however much time it takes to give her as many orgasms as it takes to satisfy her. If you come first, that?s fine, but don?t put an end to the sex just because you finished ? make sure she gets hers, too.
And make oral sex a priority. Eat her pussy well and she?ll be eating out of the palm of your hand.
Massage Her ? Everywhere
There are two kinds of massages you need to master if you want to really impress a woman: sensual massages and pussy massages.
Sensual massages are full-body erotic massages. They?re incredibly relaxing and insanely arousing. Learn to give her these and she?ll melt under your hands.
Pussy massage are exactly what they sound like. They?re long, slow, and the pleasure they give is out of this world. And more importantly, they?re an experience that she probably has never had ? except with you.
Giving her these kinds of massages will make her feel like she?s having her body worshiped without having to give anything in return. Sadly, women aren?t usually used to being purely on the receiving end like that. So, if you can be the guy who gives her that, you can be the guy she wants to keep around.
Ditch the Pickup Artist Bullshit
Pickup artist tactics used to work on me because I was a hardcore people pleaser with depressingly low self-esteem.
If a guy went hot and cold on me, dicked me around, or was using me for sex, I didn?t pull away. I would just assume it was my fault and I tried to do whatever I could to get him to like me again.
But even back then, I wasn?t blind to what a high quality man could give me. The guy I fell hardest for was the first one who was decent and treated me right. He gave me good reasons to want him, need him, desire him.
I was addicted to him because he made me feel fucking incredible. He made me feel loved. He got me off better than anyone else had.
He made me feel good all the time, not just when he wanted to reward me for doing whatever he wanted to or when it was convenient for him.
And he kept giving me that, so I kept feeling like I needed him in my life.
I ended up marrying him. But even if I hadn?t, he would?ve been the one guy I was addicted to who wouldn?t have ended up feeling like a mistake.
So, ditch the fractionation bullshit and just become the kind of guy women want to be with, not the kind of guy who feels the need to use tactics to trick them into hooking up or sticking around.
If you do, she?ll be addicted to you. And you?ll be the guy she brags about to her friends, not the one she lies about still seeing.
Let?s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter (I won?t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)
? If you liked this post, you might also love:
