What do you think? Shall we give it a try?
Look, I?m not one of those women who likes to give a lot of instructions during sex. I feel it sort of ruins the mood, and I?m often criticized for being bossy in real life so I really don?t want to be bossy in bed, either. After all, bed is a break from real life.
I?m not saying women who give a lot of instructions are wrong. It just doesn?t work for me. What works for me is that you fuck me exactly the way I want, simply because of?ahem? romanticism.
Yes, I am a romantic.
Oh you thought I was just a slut (?reappropriate the word!?)? Of course, I am that too. But I am an extremely romantic slut. I think maybe all sluts and playas and dawgs and ho?s and people who have a lot of sex are really romantic at heart ? that?s why they have sex so often. Nothing else in life compares. We romanticize sex, in that we really believe there is something to be found there.
And that is why the way you fuck me must take note of this quality of sex for me ? it is a search.
Now what it is I am searching for, that is complicated but I can describe it to you so you will get enrolled in this project ? you will search for it too. By fucking me. That?s the only way you will find this thing, by fucking me magically exactly the way I need to be fucked.
If Sex is a Wardrobe ? It Must Have a Secret Door
Yes, I guess we?re searching for ?Narnia.? I?m putting it in quotes, because I don?t mean we?re searching for that particular wonderland, with the lion and the White Witch and all that.
But listen, baby. When you enter me, when you enter the wardrobe, don?t think of it as just a box with some stuff in it.
I?ve been fucked like that before. Not good. This guy fucked me and I looked at him ? he was humping away as though I was just a kind of container. And he wasn?t acting as if there was anything special in that container. He was acting as if there was just a bunch of random stuff in me.
Please don?t act like that.
I?m not just a container.
I am a magic wardrobe. But first, you have to convince me to let you in the wardrobe, by assuring me you?re not ?that guy? ? the one who fucks people because they are good containers for his dick. Can you assure me of that? If so, you may open the wardrobe, come inside, and we will start looking for the magic door together, okay?
How Do You Open the Wardrobe?
I?m telling you this as a general rule. There can be plenty of exceptions. There will be times when this will not be necessary and the door to the wardrobe will open and you can come inside and fuck me without this preparatory act. But at the beginning of our relations, at least, this is a must.
You must go down on me first.
You simply must. You must make me cum at least once. And don?t worry, after you?ve made me cum once I will cum about five more times almost immediately. You just have to get things going for me.
This way, you see, we don?t have to worry about my orgasm during sex. Worrying about orgasm is the one way to ensure that the wardrobe?s magic inner door will not appear and we will not find our wonderland during sex. All we will find is the question of my orgasm. That question can really get in the way. So let?s get it out of the way, ?kay. See this article on how to go down on me.
Alright, You?re In Me ? Now What do You Do?
Good job. You went down on me, made me cum, and now I?ve invited you to start fucking me. You slipped it in. You?re on top of me, missionary position, and you thrust it right in.
The first thrust in is always a good one, eh ladies?
But then the questions begin. Where is this leading, this thrusting? Where are we going exactly? Are we simply going to move through a series of positions like some porno, you on top, me on top, me face down, and spurt? That?s a wrap?
Or are we going to go on an adventure?
I know which one I prefer. The adventure, of course.
The secret door. The wonderland. Remember that? Alright, how do we find the secret door? Get ready ? this is going to be a lot to swallow. We are going to find the door by using our imaginations, of course. Here?s how.
Imagine I?m the Sexiest Woman in the World
Hey! Don?t look at me like that. Is it that much of a stretch? Because if it is, pull out right now and go home.
You know what I?m doing, btw?
That?s right. I?m imagining that you are the sexiest man alive. That?s right. It?s not hard to do, to tell the truth. I mean, you?re in good shape. You?ve got those rippling biceps. You have some hair. That?s a plus. You smell nice. I mean, really, what?s sexier than this.
Oh, and your cock. It feels pretty fucking sexy as it thrusts into me. Let me tell you. You know why? I?ve kind of ?surrendered? to you.
Oh God, I can see the responses now. ?I will never surrender to a man. Patriarchy! Et Cetera!!?
Look, I don?t mean anything by it. But I really do feel like I?m surrendering when I let a guy fuck me. And it?s super nice.
Do you know, for the rest of my life ? I mean 99.9 percent of the fucking time ? I am fighting. ?Keeping up the struggle.?
Fight, fight, fight, that?s all I do.
(Most of the time, I?m writing, for instance. When you write, you fight the urge to throw your laptop out the window and go have a drink, trust me. I?d rather be fucking.)
Because when I?m fucking, I let go. And I let a guy have his way with me. And it?s magic. It just is.
So you, Mister Man, are basically like Adonis right now, or the Statue of David, or Brad Pitt, or some super hot stud, in my mind.
I know, in real life you are a Systems Analyst. You?ve been at your present company for three years, mostly responsible for?
Let?s forget all that.
You?re a fucking stud, now fuck me. And let?s find that secret door.
Oh, you want some advice about how to picture me as the sexiest woman in the world? Well, feel that pussy, baby. How does that pussy feel on your dick? Pretty fucking good, I?m guessing. I mean, you?re hammering it pretty hard. And my nipples are all hard, they?re practically hitting the ceiling. And my lipstick is messed up, all that smooching we were doing. I mean, I look like I?m in the ?throes of passion,? right? I still have some vestiges of lace underwear attached to me somehow. And oh, if you read me, you know I still have my heels on (don?t think about those bunyons, you?ll lose your boner and we?ll both fall right out of the wardrobe). Think of the sexy part of me. I?m soft and cute, and sexy and you are one lucky fucker to be fucking me, you know that? You know how many guys want to be right where you are right now, buddy?
Does that help?
Alright, as we are both imagining that we are the sexiest people who ever lived, let us proceed to find that secret door.
Want the Door ? Really Want It
Desire is quite a powerful force, people. Now it?s strange, you?re already fucking me, so how can you still be ?wanting? me?
You see, that?s what fucking is. It?s a pushing in with each stroke because you want so badly to push in with each stroke. That might sound like I?m stating the obvious, but with that obviousness in mind we can make sense of the following dialogue that I?m going to write for you.
Yes, I?m writing your dialogue. Trust me, it works. Don?t improvise. I hate improv. Stick to the script.
?I want you so bad, baby! Oh yeah!!?
That?s your line. Say it with me now.
?I want you so bad, baby! Oh yeah!!?
Good, but really mean it this time. Remember, I?m the sexiest woman in the world, you?re about to thrust your cock back into my pussy. Now say it.
?I want you so bad, baby! Oh yeah!!?
And this is what I?m going to say in return.
?Oh yeah, fuck me baby! I want your dick. I want your sexy dick. Put it in me.?
I know, I got more lines than you. But hey, that?s the way this works. Again, you have to trust me. I?m not trying to steal the spotlight here. It?s just, I?m trying to convince you about this magic secret door in here. I?m convincing you that this crazy desire I have for your dick is going to open that door. Are you convinced?
Do You Believe in Fucking Me?
That is the question you have to ask yourself. It?s kind of like Christians who have to have faith in Jesus. In order to open the secret door, the man has to have faith that fucking the woman is?well?magic.
I know, that?s quite a leap. You?ve maybe been to a magic show, and you weren?t convinced maybe. There has to be a trick. Something up the guy?s sleeve.
And maybe you?ve had sex with some other women. And the skies have never opened and you?ve never found a secret door and you?ve never been to Narnia.
But you?ve never fucked me before. And I?ve never fucked you.
So we really don?t know what could happen, do we? I mean, let?s admit to the possibility at least that something magical could happen.
And now, back to the dialogue.
?Oh yeah, baby, I want you so bad!?
Yeah, the dialogue is not great in this movie. But it shouldn?t be. The dialogue is not the point. You need to communicate that you are getting into a heightened state, OK. It?s kind of like drugs.
Have you ever taken LSD? Or Mushrooms? For a while everybody sits around waiting. Wondering if it?s going to hit. And then, suddenly, you all look at each other, smile, and say, ?Oh yeah, I feel it now.?
That?s what this is. You are letting me know that the drugs are kicking in. And that you are starting to trip balls.
Grab the Doorknob of the Secret Door ? Grab it Hard and Pull it Open
OK, I?m probably going to lose the other half of my readership here, but I?m going to suggest something a little controversial.
Let?s preface it by saying, you can?t get the secret door open without some strong passion ? you agree with that, right? So let?s just say, one way, not the only way, but one way that has definitely worked for me in the past, is this:
Hold my wrists down (I give you my consent!).
You know what I mean. It doesn?t even have to be that. There?s a whole family of relatives to that one. One of the cousins is ?pull my hair back.? Another uncle that visits some times is ?squeeze my nipple as you fuck me.? There?s a neighbor who comes over sometimes, he?s called ?squeeze both my butt cheeks super hard as you fuck me from behind.? We like him, he?s good company.
You get the idea. You got to kick the proceedings up a notch to get the door open, you just do.
What you might find me doing is clawing your back (with consent!). I will try my best, I swear, to not draw blood, but I tend to try to scratch this secret door open, you know what I mean.
I also will be super active with my pelvis. You might never have had a girl fuck you this way before, but guys have said they felt like their dick was in some kind of washing machine. I really try to swirl the hips around and around as you fuck me, because it kind of opens this portal for me.
I?ve heard it opens it for the guy too.
See, we?re both going to do our part to get this door blasted open.
How Will We Know We?re In Narnia?
All the sound will suddenly suck out of the room we are fucking in. Time will kind of stop.
And all the violent passion will cease too.
We will just smile at each other across the frozen void. And we will start to gently communicate soul to soul with our gonads.
It?s really quite something.
I live for it, in fact.
We?re on the other side now. We are bringing unbearable pleasure to one another, out of unfathomable generosity of spirit. I just want you to feel this pleasure. I just do.
And you really want to tickle my fancy too. You just want to give me this.
The great thing about fucking in Narnia is that it is slow and gentle, and it won?t push you to ejaculation, so you will be able to go longer than you?ve ever gone before.
In fact, it will feel like infinity.
This pleasure will seem like it had no beginning and will never have an end.
We are fucking ourselves into the land of the immortals.
We are become like gods.
I might cry.
I?m sorry. One guy really got mad at me for that. Look, I?m an emotional person. And when I get to this place, I am so grateful. So grateful to you, my friend, for accompanying me here. Tears might come out of my eyes. Please don?t freak out. They are tears of joy.
Tears might come out of your eyes.
I won?t mock you. I promise. I swear. I will treasure those teardrops. Like diamonds they are, glistening in the sun of our fucking.
We?ve become one. Souls joined by the sex. To me, it always feels like we?re on a body of water, floating together on the ship of our fucking. Above this calm, beautiful water in our Narnia.
Then I will take you to the edge of a beautiful waterfall. And you will know what I want you to do.
I want you to jump.
?I want you to cum,? I will say. ?Go on, baby. Let it go. Cum.?
And I will give a gentle push to your back, and over the edge you will go, tumbling, screaming, shrieking with pleasure as you shoot your load.
So What Do You Think?
I want you, baby. And this is how I want you to fuck me.
What do you think? Shall we give it a try?
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