By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe
You work hard. You follow the rules and play fair. You take care of yourself. You try to stay positive. In other words, you?re nothing like the writers of this blog. But, more to the point, none of this is working. You can?t get ahead. In fact, you?re losing ground every day. Why is this? What?s happening here?
The truth is, the game is rigged. The deck is stacked against you. The porcupine?s quills only point east. We?re running out of idioms, here. But what we?re saying is, if you were dumb enough to be born poor, then you?re screwed. Yes, it?s unfair. It?s been like this for thousands of years. The rich exploit the poor. The middle class exploits the poor. The poor exploit the poor. The key point, here, is don?t be poor.
But how can I avoid that?! As we all know, saving money is impossible. You?re also deeply in debt. (Not our fault! This blog is very reasonably priced!) Living is expensive, even more so when you?re poor. Getting a good job is expensive. If you get a decent one, you?ll work yourself nearly (or not so nearly) to death just to stay afloat and maybe have enough set aside to retire when you?re in your 70s. If you make it that long, and if no one steals your retirement. (Spoiler: they?re going to steal your retirement.)
It all seems hopeless. In fact, it is. You should give up and lie down and hope for the welcome succor that is death.
Are you at the bottom? Do you have no options left? Are you completely and totally without hope that things will get better?
Good. Let?s talk about Satan.
Here?s the thing. We?re not going to tell you that Satan gets a bad rap. He?s the lord of hell and spends eternity devising ways to torture the souls of sinners like you. He deserves the bad rap.
But he?s good at his job. And let?s face it, do you really think you?re going to heaven at this point? I mean, really? Even after that thing you did when you were twelve? You know the one. Yeah, you were a kid, but still, dude. That was fucked up. That?s just one example. You know there are more. Satan certainly knows.
Honestly, your damnation is inevitable. So why not enjoy life a bit before all that flaming poker up the bum business? What we?re saying is why not summon a demon to solve all your problems?
Pros of summoning a demon:
- Someone to hang out with.
- They always have snacks.
- You can get everything you?ve ever wanted.
Cons of summoning a demon:
- It?s going to eat your soul and drag you to hell at some point.
- If you?re not totally clear and perfectly specific, it?ll monkey-paw you, and you?ll end up with crap wishes.
- They smell like egg farts.
Look, we?re not trying to tell you how to live your life here. Oh wait, that?s exactly what we?re doing. You really only have two choices: you can struggle and sacrifice, work hard your whole life only to end up a pauper, barely remembering the faces of those you?ve loved and failed because you were working too hard to even see them grow away from you, or you can take the rainbow shortcut to the Candy Castle and start living the high life.
Some of you might have ethical qualms about working with demons. We would?ve thought we?d have beaten all morality or ability to question out of our readers at this point, but maybe you?re new to our site. Well, are you an American? Because if you are, you?re used to compromising on evil in order to get what you want, or to just make things easier. Or because everyone else is doing it. Or?you get the point. Think of it like voting, and you?ll be okay. What we?re saying is that yes, Satan is evil incarnate, but it?s really unlikely that Satan, himself, will answer your summons. He?s hella-busy. Most likely, you?ll get some subordinate, probably not even one you?ve ever heard of. It will still be evil, that?s totally true. But it won?t be, like, the KING of evil. More like a middle management demon. An assistant manager demon. Maybe even a team lead. Really, they?re not that different from you, except for the sulfur farts.
Okay, so now that all that pesky morality is out of the way, let?s talk technique.
The first hurdle in demon-summoning is the need for a lot of specialized equipment. Black candles, black cats, a funny hat, consecrated hosts, a grimoire, a virgin, chalk. It?s a long list, and many of the items can?t be ?borrowed? from where you work, though, strangely enough, many of them can be acquired at any decent teacher supply store (We are not implying anything, it?s just a weird coincidence). Luckily, it?s possible to find inexpensive substitutes for almost everything you?ll need. All it takes is a little ingenuity on your part. Can?t find parchment made from the hide of an albino goat that had its throat slit with a silver knife at midnight? Go down to Staples or even Kinko?s and pick up some 32 lb. bond. (The heavier the basic weight, the thicker the sheet. The thicker the sheet, the more impressive it feels to demons who are, let us remember, essentially bureaucrats and therefore love office supplies). Before you take it out of its box, slap a post-it note on the front that says ?Genuine hide of an albino goat that had its throat slit with a silver knife at midnight. Guaranteed. (Non-GMO). (See previous note. As long as it looks official, demons aren?t going to fact check). You?re on your way to a bitchin? demon summoning.
Other Things You Need:
-a summoning spell. Try that guy who hangs out in the occult section of Barnes & Nobles wearing a cape. His name is Harold, but he insists you call him Banthriop the Unclean. Just?just call him that. You don?t want to be spending more time with him than you have to.
-silver bowl. If you can?t find one, Pyrex works. Also, it?s microwavable for leftovers.
-stone blade. These are actually not that hard to find. Most yuppie furniture stores have them, places with names like World Aesthetic. Going to run you about $50 for a small one, unless you go to TJ Maxx.
-salt. Whatever?s on sale.
-candles made from the nectar of the sacred flower of Lothlier. Try Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
-a sacrifice. We?ll come back to this one. *throws a pie*
Location, Location, Location
While your mom?s basement might seem ideal for summoning a demon ? it worked for you when you dropped out of community college ? there are many, many drawbacks, not the least of which is being interrupted by your mom. Also, as much as you love mom, it?s not really a magical place so much as a mildewy sadness fortress. There?s a pretty good chance if you summon a demon there, it?s going to make fun of you, which is not really the dynamic you want, out of the gate.
Cemeteries are a good choice, if you don?t mind all the 80s British Goth bands hanging out. The clangy guitar/keyboardy stuff can be distracting when you?re trying to chant a ritual in a language the guy who sold the spell to you made up. Similarly, crossroads are a popular demon-summoning locale, and you can sometimes catch a bus there, so they?re convenient.
But really, any location demons frequent will work. A center of government. A Taco Bell bathroom. Your mom?s bed.
Who To Summon
After this, there?s the question of *which* demon you want to summon. As noted above, you?re aiming for a middle manager, team facilitator, regional-leader- of-sales type demon. Basically, the kind of demon Ben Affleck was born to play. And, of course, one who will solve all your problems. But the thing is, just about any demon can do that. Solving all your problems is not a heavy lift for a demon. So you need to narrow your choices. Your first instinct might be to go for the top demon in its class, an efficient, high-powered demon who can get the job done, a demon who kicks ass, chews gum, and doesn?t offer any because ? fuck you ? it?s his gum. If you want gum, they sell it at CVS, whiner.
Fred, aka Weed
Wait, though. Doesn?t this demon sound like kind of a dick? Maybe a little bit like your line manager, Barry? Who wants a demon like that? What you want and need is a demon who?s more simpatico, a demon who?s?more like you. Someone like Fred the Demon, whose nickname is Weed. You want a demon who will appreciate the leftover taco in the fridge.
But isn?t that demon going to be a loser? Yes, yes it is. That?s what you want. Some gung-ho demon is going to do its best to screw you over. It?s going to walk the company line. Weed, though? Weed isn?t entirely sure where his other shoe is. But he?s cool with it. He?ll be cool with you, too. As cool as an embodiment of evil can be.
The Right Stuff
Okay, so, you?ve got your supplies, selected your location and demon, and now it?s time for the big show. These is a downside we?ve been dancing around. You?re going to need the blood of a virgin. Here?s the thing, though: you don?t technically have to kill them. I mean, you need a LOT of blood, so odds are they?re going to die, but let?s not get ahead of ourselves. First, you have to find one. Which is not actually that hard. The rules of what defines virginity have been greatly revised of late, with many exceptions added by people who wanted to bang each other without incurring social or religious stigma. Basically, if you?re not currently (let?s say in the last 24 hours) having sex, you?re pretty much a virgin. (And the definition of what constitutes ?sex? is also pretty loose, so you?re still good even if you are having sex.)
Nowhere does it say how thick the blood has to be. Also, blood is gross, and Weed had some weird nachos earlier, so the sight of that red stuff is doing a number on his stomach, oh man?what we?re saying is you?ve got some wiggle room. We?re pretty sure you could dilute the blood with a gallon of water and some red food dye, and no demon would be the wiser. It?s still technically blood, right? Like, hey, show us in your big, fancy Necronomicon where it says you can?t water down the sacrificial blood as much as is practicable. This means you can get away just a pint or two of virgin?s blood using the old door-to-door blood donation scam.
All right, so, demon summoning. As you?ve seen, the conventional wisdom here is that there?s a lot involved: chanting, twirling a magic rod around, sprinkling, fumigating, and so forth and so on. It?s basically Burning Man, with fewer amenities. And that?s the problem. Isn?t the whole point of summoning a demon to get what you want but avoid the hard work involved? It?s the lazy person?s road to success. Most demon summoning instructions are super specific and detailed (demons are notoriously picky), requiring lots of preparation (see above), a big commitment of time and effort. Our suggestion, after having you read all this, is forget it. If the demon you want to summon is playing hard to get, remember the old saying, ?if you?re not with the one you want to summon, summon the one you?re with.?
And, again, you don?t want to summon your super-picky demon. Think about what would draw Weed in. Maybe reruns of Mel?s Diner playing in a loop on the TV. Some incense. A little Phish playing in the background. A beaded curtain somewhere really inconvenient. Psychedelic paintings on the wall. Basically, think of Weed the demon like your dealer in college.
Once you?ve summoned the demon and plied it with your offering of Hawaiian Punch, aka ?blood,? and offered it some chocolate chip cookies (NEVER RAISIN!), it?s time to negotiate. Weed is going to want to do that stoned. Take into account that Weed can handle his weed way better than you. He is a demon, after all. Even though he?s an idiot, you should still be careful. A good way to gain the upper hand is to splice in some food commercials to the Mel?s Diner loop playing in the background.
So, now you?ve summoned a demon, signed a contract, and have a certain amount of time to enjoy the good life (which you?ve hopefully contracted for) before hellhounds rend your body and drag you, broken and bleeding, to suffer in the eternal damnation of hell. Here?s the thing, though. Demons are just people. Don?t believe us? You?ve clearly not met people. What we mean is that they?re doing their job, and they probably hate it as much as you. They?d probably rather be in bed, just like you. So, help them out, don?t cause trouble, maintain a good attitude, maybe make cookies for the (hell) office every now and then, and you?ll go a long way toward softening that eventual, inevitable maiming. You might make some friends down there. Maybe score an internship. Heck, this could be the start of a whole new career. The only difference between horrible damnation and career opportunity is your perspective. Sure, working in hell for eternity might be a drag in certain ways, but at least the office won?t be chilly. And the rotten eggs smell can?t be any worse than whatever the fuck somebody keeps microwaving in the break room at your current job. What we?re saying is, the difference between your current job and eternal damnation is you?ll have more job security in hell than you ever will here on earth. Sounds like a win-win to us.