Give her the sex SHE wants, not the sex you want.
Photo by DIAO DARIUS on Unsplash
I am NOT a submissive. Even on vanilla dating apps, I am bombarded with men who want to boss me around first thing and that aint happening. Shoo fly!
A while back, when I was a nave thing, I dated a guy who was heavy into BDSM. I had dabbled in the past so he piqued my curiosity. He repeatedly whined that I was not submissive enough. I suggested a slight variation to the activity, he?d pout like I just kicked his puppy. He attempted to guilt me into crossing my boundaries. Who knew sub-shaming was a thing? Submission isn?t second nature to me, it doesn?t account for the very nuanced nature of sexuality. It?s not that I?m never submissive, I just wasn?t interested in being submissive with him. And I most definitely do NOT identify as a submissive.
By nature, I?m a type-A alpha don?t-fuck-with-me bitch. I?m a handful. When I don?t want something done to me in bed, I?m not going to go along with it. My submission has to be earned. Earned through learning what I want, earned through creating a pleasurable sexual experience, not just an ego boost for you.
Yet, every now and then the stars align and with the right partner, a chemistry can spark a raging fire that that makes me an amenable filthy slut. A key to my lock, so to speak.
It takes a man dripping with masculine energy for me to want to give up control. This doesn?t mean a hulking lumberjack type barking out orders (I mean, that?s fun sometimes too). Masculine energy could best be summed up by the Teddy Roosevelt quote ?Walk softly and carry a big stick.? See: Big Dick Energy.
The reason I was resistant to submit to that guy in particular was subtle, it always felt like a struggle (but not in the sexy way). It took me examining the situation years later with new vocabulary to accurately assess our limited sexual interactions. It was because the power exchange wasn?t about me. It wasn?t about giving me the sex I wanted, it was about giving me the sex HE wanted. And that?s not sexy to me in the least. Some women are into that, but I demand better treatment. I don?t like pushed and prodded and shoved into activities and positions, I?m not into being treated like a fuck doll- *unless* the man has proven worthy, it?s discussed prior and I?m in the mood for it. I?m NOT a natural submissive woman. I don?t like just going with the flow and have sex happen to me. The idea of handing over power to an unproven man inspires nothing but vaginal apathy. It does not get me off to let men do whatever they want to me. That?s fine if you?re into it, it?s just not for me.
That type of play needs prior approval. I get off from consent. I get off from a guy assuming the dominant role from a space of service. Aggressive dominant men will bring about a frustrating power struggle that will be anything but sexy.
A dominant guy just IS, he doesn?t need to tell you.
He doesn?t need to push or shove or demand. A man who could dom me has an air about them, a presence that doesn?t have to be pointed out. A cool confidence hard-earned through years of Taking Care of Business.
If you approach an alpha woman from an aggressive position, you?re surely just going to piss her off.
I think of it analogous to the way you train a canine companion. If you exude the vibe of being the pack leader, they fall in line. You are the leader, but you are doing it in service of the dog. You care for their best interest, you are proving to them that you can meet their needs. You can scream, demand, spank them with a newspaper, rub their nose in their messes- none of those techniques will be effective unless you embody an assured confident air. Give them confidence in your ability to lead and nurture them, they behave.
I don?t want to have to wonder if you?re going to hurt me, or worse, violate my boundaries. Someone bossing me right out the gate makes me question your ability for restraint, which is paramount when engaging in power exchange (or sex of any flavor, really).
Masculine energy + position of service= an Alpha?s submission.
Confidence is quiet. Dominance is quiet, not shouted across the room. It lingers like a swirl of smoke from an extinguished candle. If you have Dom energy, you don?t have to tell me, I?ll know it. It will come out of your pores.
In the BDSM world, there?s a common understanding that the sub is the one really in control of the experience. They can call it off at any moment with their designated safeword. Unless its consented to before clothing comes off, it?s not expected that the submissive (usually the woman) has to be an obedient receiver of whatever action the dom (usually the man) wants to administer. Real dominant men do it with an air of service. Real dominant men give me the sex I want, they prioritize my sexual pleasure. Those men make the experiences delicious.
To dom an alpha woman requires a finely sharpened emotional blade, to be able to cut through your own issues and approach her in humility. You need to let her know she?s really in charge of this game. You only will get to push the limits are far as she lets you, and it?s smart to recognize that. Don?t play hard to get, don?t make her guess if you think she?s sexy because you?re trying to seem like a cool guy. Give her the ego boost. Let her know you are powerless against my magnetic sexual energy.
Once I feel I have sexual power in the relationship is when I want to give it over. I have it on good authority, my fellow female alphas are of similar mindset.
To the men out there seeking to dom an alpha woman, proceed with caution. Think of her like a finicky housecat, approach her correctly and she may let you pet her?or you may get your hand bitten. If she deems you worthy, you?re in for the ride of your life. God speed.