Ducks: and, How To Make Them Pay

Ducks: and, How To Make Them Pay

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Ducks have been terrorizing us for centuries. Their distinctive quacking noises are a disgrace, their feathers are awful, and no one has been able to fully convince me that ducks aren?t taking our jobs.

William Cook, author of the seminal book Ducks: and, How To Make Them Pay had the right idea: It?s clear that we must do something about ducks. Since none of us will ever read Cook?s novel because it?s not a listicle, here is a listicle of things we can do to lessen the immense harm that ducks cause. We will make them pay.

Make them watch the motion picture film The Mighty Ducks over and over again.

It is a well known fact that ducks hate this movie, regarding it as a misrepresentation of what they?re all about. Too bad, ducks, you should have thought of that before you were TERRIBLE.

Make them practice polyamory.

Ducks are monogamous, so they would absolutely hate this. Well, ducks, do you know what I hate? Your dumb faces.

Play ?Bills Bills Bills? by Destiny?s Child.

Ducks are super pissed about this song, and for good reason: the terminology of this song led one particularly idiotic duck to attempt to invent ?automo-bills,? a new method of transportation for the duck on the go. LOL stupid ducks.

Take all the water away.

Ducks are aquatic, so this would really piss them off. We would all die of course, but it would be worth it, TBH.

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Call a duck ?Darkwing? or ?Daffy.?

Oh my God they hate this, but they need to shut it because we spent most of the twentieth century INEXPLICABLY PORTRAYING THEM IN POP CULTURE. Fuck them for what they did to us.

Ask if the duck you?re talking to is made of rubber.

Valid question, as ducks are terrible conversationalists, but also ducks hate this stereotype, and that?s funny because ducks are absolutely horrid.

Ask a duck when he?s going to mature into a beautiful swan.

The answer is never because ?The Ugly Duckling? wasn?t a duckling at all. LOL. Remind the ducks that they are failures for not maturing into a beautiful swan, and that their young will also fail in this same way. Fucking losers.

Send them an invoice.

Ducks don?t have any money because they suck, but it?s worth a try. Deadbeats.

Please add suggestions of how we can make ducks pay. We need all our best people on this.

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