Lies Men and Women Tell Themselves in Dating
The quintessential nice guy: Cute. Grinning. Muted light, open field, and non-threatening pose. /Credit: Warren Wong via unsplash.com
Men insist they don?t want to date a crazy chick. Women proclaim they can?t find any nice guys. The longer I date, the less I believe those statements.
I realized today that the concept of the ?crazy chick? and the ?nice guy? are opposite sides of the coin. Though they may appear to have nothing in common at first glance, upon further reflection, they do share some similarities.
The Crazy Chick
From my experience, the vast majority of guys in the dating world are lying (mostly to themselves) when they say they don?t want to date a crazy chick.
The craziest women I know always have guys circling around. The guys may not stick around long, but there are always options for these women. Crazy chicks aren?t usually single for long even if most of their ?relationships? tend to be short-lived.
I have watched guys return to women they knew were unstable, were running a three-ring circus of their lives, erratic from drug use, over-reactive, and/or melodramatic.
Most of the guys lamenting all the crazy women out there are drawn to them like doms to rope and latex.
Maybe it?s the excitement. Maybe it?s the spontaneity. Maybe it?s the haplessness. I suspect it?s the sex.
As I?ve mentioned in a previous story, I think one of the main reasons men date crazy chicks is something they don?t even realize:
When a guy dates the crazy chick and the relationship invariably unravels, the guy can take zero accountability.
She was crazy! It?s all her fault. It couldn?t possibly have anything to do with him. He can easily throw all responsibility on her, move along, and do zero self-reflection.
Because: she. was. crazy!
The Nice Guy
On the flip side, we hear women complaining about the inability to find nice guys. At best, men are confused or unable to commit. At worst, guys are jerks, users, and incapable of being faithful.
And, of course, said nice guys share their frustration at the hypocrisy of women?s words and actions.
Women: ?Where are all the nice guys? Why can?t I find a good guy??
Nice guys: ?We?re here, but you ignore or friend zone us.?
I think some women are drawn to bad boys; buff ego-maniacs; and/or larger than life narcissists. Heck, I was almost duped by an insincere charmer who was actually a manipulator and user.
Fortunately, as a rule, I?m not attracted to bad boys. I never was. And it?s mutual: bad boys don?t tend to be into me either, so I don?t usually intersect with them.
Having said that, I totally acknowledge that some women could be in a room with 99 nice guys and 1 bad boy?and they would pick the jerk every time.
Like the I-always-seem-to-date-a-crazy-chick clueless guy, the I-always-seem-to-end-up-with-a-jerk clueless woman exists, too.
There are multiple reasons a woman is making that choice. Perhaps she has daddy issues. Perhaps she has low self-esteem. Perhaps she mistakes control and dominance for love. Maybe he?s exciting and dangerous. Maybe she likes a perceived challenge.
The Crazy Girl, the Bad Boy, and the Jerk
Upon further reflection, I see one major difference between the crazy girl, the bad boy, and the jerk. Usually, the crazy girl is incapable of hiding her crazy. She tends to show it immediately or very quickly. Usually a guy dating a crazy girl knows it within a few dates (if not the very first date).
I think a bad boy resembles the crazy girl in that he usually owns his love ?em-and-leave ?em MO from the get-go.
On the other hand, jerks (male and female) come in different flavors and MANY of them charm and manipulate. This makes it much more difficult to detect, so the datee doesn?t always realize what they are really walking into. By the time the jerk?s true colors start to show, their lives are already enmeshed and the datee probably has strong feelings.
I have more sympathy for those who were duped by the deceitful jerk than those who intentionally decided to date the obvious crazy chick or bad boy.
Conclusions
You?ll see a consistent message in my writing about life in general and dating specifically: be honest!
First with yourself. Then you will be equipped to be honest with others.
The truth is I smile when I stumble upon the rare guy that acknowledges in his profile: ?Welllll?yeah, I need a little crazy.?
I?m not going to be his type and I quickly swipe left. But I definitely appreciate his unique self awareness.
Sure, I might shake my head at him a bit, but I admire his honesty and ownership of what he?s looking for.
Most men, however, are not nearly as cognizant as that guy!
If a woman says she doesn?t want to date a bad boy, but continues to ONLY find shady, sketchy, insincere dudes, she might need to be more honest with herself about who she is choosing to spend her time with. And who she is blowing off, rejecting, or friend-zoning.
And I say this as someone who has had abysmal luck at dating!
But I haven?t been surrounded by a sea of jerks.
Rather, I have found near-misses, nice guys who were better off as friends, nice guys who didn?t have time for a relationship, the guy who chose the crazy chick over me, confused dudes, just not my type dudes, not-ready-to-date-yet guys, and, yes, some jerks.
You need to honor yourself and what you are attracted to, but I would recommend revisiting what you are looking for. Start with self-reflection, then consider approaching dating in a fresh way.
As I?ve already written, I wouldn?t necessarily recommend going totally against type, but I would consider reaching out to (or responding to) someone who you are on the fence about.
Stretch yourself a bit to see if you can mesh with someone you would typically dismiss. At least give a few of those women/men a chance as an opportunity for you to grow into a new, potentially healthier dating phase.
Look, if you dig a crazy chick or a bad boy, that?s your prerogative. But please stop complaining about always dating crazy chicks or never finding good guys while simultaneously continuing to date the same type of person over and over again!
Bonnie was off the dating market from 1998 (when she met her now ex-husband) till early 2014. She has been online dating on-and-off for over 4 years. She has gone out on at least 100 first dates, interacted with over 1000 guys, and reviewed at least 10000 profiles. If there was a Masters in Online Dating, Bonnie?s earned it. This means: (1) That Bonnie is a failure at dating AND (2) She?s accumulated a lot of experiences and knowledge about the dating landscape for middle-aged chicks in Austin.
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