What Your Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Main Says About You

Like Smash Bros.? Curious what a stranger on the Internet has to say about you based on pure speculation? Look no further.

Mario: You easily suffer from choice paralysis and always make the most boring and default choice. Your favorite ice cream is vanilla, your favorite color is blue, your favorite animal is dog, and your favorite movie is The Godfather. If you were in Nazi Germany, you would 100% use the ?just following orders? defense. You will go to Hell when you die.

Inkling: Why don?t you have a seat? What were you planning when you came here tonight?

King Dedede: You masturbate to Deviantart ironically.

Meta Knight: You masturbate to Deviantart unironically.

Peach: You?re the girlfriend of the guy who bought this game. You thought Link?s name was Zelda and Samus? name was Metroid. After 15 minutes, you?re gonna want to go back to playing Mario Kart.

Daisy: The same as Peach, except you?re a lesbian.

Bayonetta: You have said ?Rawr XD? at some point in your life, and use Facebook to post memes about depression. It?s getting impossible to tell where your stretch marks end and your self-harm scars begin. You are bisexual.

Wolf: You are either currently 14 years old, or you were 14 years old when Brawl came out, and haven?t matured at all beyond that. You watch way too much anime, you?ll never improve as an artist, and your OTP sucks

Corrin: You unironically own multiple anime figurines, a body pillow of your waifu, and a katana. You?re either a furry or have a shitty OC that?s half dragon, half demon, and half vampire. You either have autism or are just an oblivious asshole with no social skills, it?s hard to tell.

Squirtle: You bought the Switch and this game on launch day. You threw a tantrum when Fox stopped showing Saturday morning cartoons. Your mom wishes you?d move out of the house.

Ivysaur: You?ve got weird arm and back acne. You like to pretend you main all three of the Pokemon, but everyone can see right through you. You love cute animals, but if you ever tried to take care of one by yourself, it?d die in a week.

Charizard: You are a basic ass bitch. You spent the first 5 matches spamming smash attacks and your side B. You?re the only one on this list who has gotten laid recently, but it doesn?t matter because you lasted a minute.

Donkey Kong: You actually hate playing Smash, and everyone playing with you. You don?t play to win, you play to inspire the greatest amount of anger around you. You cannot go 48 hours without saying the N word. Hard R.

Jigglypuff: You were born incomplete. Some piece of you is missing. Maybe it?s the part of your brain that dictates rational choice, or the part that controls empathy. Maybe it?s your impulse control. Maybe, just maybe, you were born without a soul. You started small, at first. Mice and squirrels, and then you grew bolder. Your neighbor?s cat had gotten outside. She would never find the poor thing. Your parents soon discovered what you did, and their punishments forced you to keep dormant your dark desires. You carried on with your life, feigning normalcy, a model student and son. That was until the day you met her. It was autumn, your first semester at college, your first time away from home. She stirred something in you. You took her out, flirted with her, bought her drinks, she was so pure and sweet, so trusting. You left with her, the intoxication swelling inside you both. She tripped, you caught her. You looked at her then. She was so beautiful, so alive. You cut her open. You cut her open because you had to know. Why was she so beautiful? How was she so alive? You cut and cut until she was no longer beautiful, no longer alive. You stared at what you had done, tears in your eyes, not from guilt or remorse, only the pure reflex, as though you knew you should cry, but didn?t understand why. When you came back down to a neutral calm, you disposed of the body, washed yourself of any and all evidence. You knew the first thing you needed to do was establish an alibi. You called up your roommate: ?Hey? you said ?Wanna hang out tonight?? Your roommate replied ?Sure, my friend brought over his Switch, we?re gonna play Smash Ultimate.? You smiled, licking the final traces of viscera from your teeth, and said ?Great, I?ll be there in 10.?

Kirby: You are Masahiro Sakurai, desperately trying to convince everybody that your favorite boy is best. Put Mappy in the game you fucking cunt.

Lucina: You are the comedic straightman of your group. You go through life with two moods, neutrality or exasperation at your louder, more fun friends. Your spirit animal is Squidward and, like Squidward, you are the top sad boy. At least your cats love you.

Chrom: You?re the mouthbreathing kind of weeb. You have objectively bad taste. You either want Goku and Sora in Smash, or you want the entire roster replaced with other characters from Fire Emblem.

Little Mac: You have a 2 digit IQ, and managing air combat is too much for you. You have eaten at least three Joycons since you started playing Smash. Your go-to excuses for losing are bad recovery moves and the helmet you?re forced to wear falling in front of your eyes.

Robin: You have LARPed before. Ironically, considering the game your main comes from, your best friend is a Chrom main. You honestly can do better than hanging out with them, but then you?d have to find a new 4th for your D&D group.

Sonic: You?re just a sad person. Either because you?ve got the specific kind of autism that develops in fans of Sonic the Hedgehog, or because you?ll inevitably be lumped in with those people. You know deep down the speed isn?t worth the pain you feel inside. You ask yourself why you keep playing, but you can never come to an answer. You can?t outrun your problems, Sonic main.

Pichu: You didn?t know that your attacks did damage to you until someone pointed it out to you, and you didn?t want to look like an idiot, so you pretended like you knew that. In a panic, you came up with some lie about how Pichu is actually really good, and now you?re just sorta stuck with it.

Pikachu: You are the boyfriend of a Peach main. You don?t actually like playing Pikachu that much, it?s just that whenever she gets bored playing, she?ll just sit and watch you play, but demand you play as Pikachu because ?it?s so cute.? Even when you?re playing with your friends, and you really want to win, you curse yourself and choose Pikachu.

Ness: You love Earthbound. You have also never played Earthbound, you just know it by reputation. You also love Undertale, and you probably voted it as game of the year when it came out. You like to think you?re really skilled at Ness, but when things get too hard, you just spam PK Fire and the baseball bat. You?re not impressing anyone.

Fox: You played Smash Ultimate for 5 minutes, saw all the items and stages, got mad, and went back to Melee. You?re currently waiting for the Project M version of Ultimate. You get the saltiest out of everyone on the list. You have told someone who doesn?t like Dark Souls to git gud.

Duck Hunt: You?re like a Donkey Kong main without the hate, or a Jigglypuff main without the urge to kill. When the Duck Hunt dog laughs at someone for not shooting all the ducks, you feel that on spiritual level. You are probably the happiest person on this list, which makes other people angry, and in turn, only makes you happier.

Zelda: You secretly crossdress and are ashamed of it. Within 5 years, you?ll gradually become more and more comfortable with it, until you eventually become a really obnoxious drag queen. Like, the kind that only watches Ru Paul?s Drag Race and nothing else. Regardless, you spam Din?s Fire like a motherfucker, just like everyone else who plays Zelda.

Link: You?re boring and suck ass. You play as Oddjob in Goldeneye and use the rocket launcher in Halo. There?s a good chance you?re the least skilled player on the list and don?t even know it. Your favorite skin is the Dark Link skin, because of course it fucking is.

R.O.B: You have a video game collection that?s about the cost of a mortgage. You have at least 6 or 7 Game Gears, a fully functional arcade cabinet, and a R.O.B which you brag about whenever you play Smash with new people. If you could have one wish, it would be to work for Nintendo.

Snake: You think gamers are the most oppressed minority, and the reason for why Quiet from MGSV is half-naked makes total sense and is genius writing. You respond to news stories about black criminals with something racist, and then cite average IQ scores to defend yourself. If there?s a comment section attached to this list, you?ll leave an angry comment about being called racist.

Bowser: You?re a divorced dad in your 40s who bought a Switch to try to win your son?s affections for when he comes over on alternating weekends. You picked Bowser because you thought it would be cute to do Team Smash with him as Bowser and Bowser Jr., but whenever your kid comes over, he only ever plays something called Fortnite. You tried it out, and it was too scary and confusing, so now you just drink and play Smash because at least you recognize the characters. Your ex?s new husband is a better and more attentive lover than you ever will be.

Mewtwo: Unlocking Mewtwo in Melee by spending a total of 20 hours in VS matches was the greatest accomplishment of your sad, pathetic life. Conversely, Mewtwo being replaced by Lucario in Brawl was the worst tragedy you have ever experienced. You got the Smash 4 DLC just to bring some meaning back into your life. Out of all the Pokemon mains, you are the only one who is still an avid Pokemon player. You are the most likely person on this list to kill yourself.

Ike: You totally go to the gym all the time and drink all those protein shakes. For reals though this faggot is a slow faggot who couldn?t air recover if his life depended on it. Honest to god you might as well just admit your a fagot who just wants to pretend he?s Guts so you can make your peepee big. Or better yet you circlejerk on r/smashbros about how much Sakurai is biased.

Captain Falcon: Loudest player on the list. Will scream Captain Falcon quotes and be one of the most frequent taunters. Is retarded, but only for attention. If anyone in the list is drunk right now, it?s you. If you get a KO with Falcon Punch, you will never shut the fuck up about it.

Incineroar: You?re 10. You only picked this character because you picked Litten in Pokemon Sun or Moon. You only picked Litten because it was the Fire starter and you thought Fire was cooler than Grass or Water. Even you think it?s dumb that one of Incineroar?s special moves is a counter. You will either pick a different main or lose all of your friends.

Simon: You are roughly 40 years old and racist. Not as racist as the Snake main, but still racist. The ?deus vult? kind of racist. Despite this, you have a thing for Asian chicks. You have thought about joining the military at some point. You have unironically used the term ?alpha? to describe yourself.

Lucario: 75% chance you?re a furry. 20% chance you were a Mewtwo main in Melee and had to make do with Lucario in Brawl. 5% chance you?re really holding out for Goku to be in Smash, and play Lucario because he plays closest to how you imagine Goku would play.

Ridley: You are an incredible piece of shit. Now that Ridley is in Smash, the new top characters on your wishlist are Master Hand and Master Chief. You don?t care about balance or thematic consistency, winning or losing, you are simply here to disrupt. You quit the game whenever you?re about to lose.

Mr. Game and Watch: Shut the fuck up. You don?t main Mr. Game and Watch. Nobody mains Mr. Game and Watch. You spam B and then do side B whenever somebody gets too close. You first learned about the Game and Watch from Melee just like the rest of us. You?re not special. You?re NOTHING.

Pit: You mained him in Brawl back when he was OP, and since he?s been nerfed, all you do is sit in the corner, spamming projectiles and the occasional side B when somebody gets too close. If the match has more than two players, you will guaranteed be the first to die.

Wario: The most graceful winner on the list, which is faint praise, because they?re among the saddest in real life. They know they?re pathetic though, and that?s why they don?t get angry about losing. Will either kill themselves one day or die of a heart attack by age 50.

Lucas: Even moreso than Ness mains, lies about playing the Mother games. Will do nothing but PK Freeze and PK Thunder. Will never, ever win, and will only ever cost you a victory. If they do manage to win, you?ve either found the top 1% of Smash players, or you?ve started the apocalypse.

Ice Climbers: Like Duck Hunt mains, except you aren?t trying to troll anyone intentionally. You will forget how annoying your specials can be right up until after you?ve hit someone with them. Nobody is happy when you win, and you are definitely the least happy out of everyone. You just want everyone to get along. Don?t be such a damn pussy, pussy, you a damn pussy.

Villager: You suck ass, but you?re the only one who doesn?t know it. You think Villager is better than he actually is, and you overemphasize how creepy he looks. You are the kind of person who thinks button mashing is a strategy, and that having having no strategy counts as ?mind games.? You like creepypastas way too much.

Mega Man: You are the least likely person on the list to have had sex, which is good because there?s a 50% chance you?re into little boys. You are also the person on the list who has played an NES game most recently. You complain about the number of characters with swords in the game, but it?s secretly because any decent player who mains one can beat you easily. Will sing along to the theme music whenever on the Wily?s Castle stage.

Samus: You are the only one on the list who actively wants all items on. You alternate between spamming your charge shot, and spamming your grab. If you?re good, you will always get first. If not, you will always die first and bitch about it. Nobody knows who invited you over, but everyone secretly wishes you weren?t here.

Dark Samus: You mained Samus and always picked her dark suit skin before Ultimate. Not even you asked for this character to be in Smash, and even you couldn?t really explain how they?re different from Dark Samus. When you tell someone you play Smash and they ask who your main is, you forget Dark Samus exists for a minute before telling them.

Yoshi: There?s a 50% chance you are an actual child. If you?re not a child, then you either only play Smash for fun, or you are the best player on the list. Either way, it makes you among the saddest people on the list. You?re a good sport for the entire game, right up until you win by spitting them out as an egg right on the edge of the map.

Wii Fit Trainer: You?re not actually good at Smash, you?re just good at improvising. You?re playing the game on the fly and just so happen to be lucking out every time you use the volley ball. There is a bone in your brain that compels you to yell ?SALUTE THE SUN!? at least once per game. You definitely want to fuck the Wii Fit Trainer.

Luigi: You are a down-to-earth, lovable loser who thinks Mario is too normal or obvious a choice. You legitimately find Luigi?s moves and animations to be funny and probably still laugh at Adam Sandler movies. Whenever you win a game, you take forever to press start just because you want to watch his victory pose for as long as possible. If you ever win with the kick taunt, then everybody you know literally hates you.

Sheik: You are on both the LGBT and autism spectrums. You also have a Tumblr account. You met all of your friends online and have never talked to them in real life. You are unable to talk and play at the same time. You are probably really good at the game, but are still a sore loser, and will likely be the first to rage quit.

Dr. Mario: You are a hipster that only picked Dr. Mario becomes nobody mains him. You pretend like you?ve always mained him, even though you used to main Link, and thought ?why the fuck is Dr. Mario a character? when you saw him in Melee, just like the rest of us. You think it?s really cool that his side smash has lightning coming out of his hand but will never admit it.

Richter: You embody all the negative traits of a Simon main, except you?re half as old and not OPENLY racist. Instead, you?re just really into metal and think you?re way more badass than you actually are. You own a Punisher t-shirt and have taken a picture of yourself posing with an assault rifle. You have the smallest dick out of everyone on the list.

Diddy Kong: Your play style is the strategic equivalent of an infant slapping at a control. You will use the same move over an over again until it stops being effective, at which point you simply move onto a new one. You are the worst person to lose to. You will wake up one day realizing everybody hates you and not know why. This. This is why.

Cloud: You only picked Cloud because you were excited to see him get added to Smash. You also will freely admit that fact with no shame whatsoever. You are the Chrom main?s only other friend besides the Robin main. You both bond over your love of anime boys and desire for Sora to be playable in Smash. You are easily the gayest player on the list.

Mii Fighters: Either you?re playing as your actual Mii, in which case you have the lowest functioning level of autism on the list and are taking the game seriously, or you?re playing as a joke Mii, in which case you are guaranteed to have a fun time. It doesn?t matter either way, because you?ve never won a single game of Smash in your entire life.

Roy: You?re like the Marth main, except you were also the kind of kid who had serious anger issues and screamed swear words at people in class when you were mad. You picked Roy over Marth because his special moves had fire. If Snake were playable in Melee, you would?ve picked him as your main.

Olimar: You are the only person on the list who has ever played one of the Pikmin games all the way through. You are an eldritch abomination whose schemes and machinations are unknowable by man. You are the only one boring enough to pay attention to damage types. The ultimate irony of your playstyle is that you will die alone.

Greninja: You are also 10. Your best friend is the Incineroar main, at least for now. If you don?t currently watch Naruto, you?re going to get way too into it very soon. You will make excuses and get salty every time you get hit, but you will brag and act like you?re the ultimate chessmaster every time you land a hit. You insist on playing with Final Smashes and no other items.

Dark Pit: You?re right in the middle of a venn diagram between Ike main and Greninja main. You?re 13 years old. Everything you do and think is cool right now, you will look back on with embarrassment when in 5 years time. Unless you have actual autism, in which case you?ll never have a moment of self-realization. Instead, you?ll make really bad fan art of your favorite video game and cartoon characters. Ignorance is bliss.

Toon Link: You are only the tiniest bit better than the Link main, and yet inexplicably aren?t nearly as hated as them. Lying comes as easily to you as breathing, and you do so without any semblance of guilt. You have a career in politics,

Palutena: You pick your main in every game based on waifu status, and your playstyle is finding one combo you like and spamming it repeatedly. You play Skyrim with a mod that lets you play as a big-titted anime lady. You say you prefer subtitled anime to English dubs, but you actually don?t. Your taste in music is shit.

Ryu: You?re insecure about playing a kid?s game and refuse to play as any characters that are cartoony, female, or a prettyboy. You won?t ever actually buy a Switch, because Nintendo is for babies, but you?ll still play it with your bros, because you?re the guy who calls people ?bro.? You?re only playing as Ryu until they put in Goku or Master Chief.

Ken: You?re confused about your sexuality and compensate for it by making overtly sexual statements and calling them jokes. You probably shit talk the most out of everyone else playing. You go to the gym just so you can talk about going to the gym.

Bowser Jr. You?re one of the biggest Nintendo fanboys on the list, and got really excited when you saw that all of the other skins for Bowser Jr. were the Koopalings. You pretend like you know all of their names, but there?s always 1 or 2 that you keep forgetting. You can see what they look like in your mind but you can?t remember their name. You know they were all named after different musicians, but that doesn?t help you remember their names, because you know even less about the musicians than you do the characters, because the only thing you?re really knowledgeable about is pointless minutia about video games, and even now you?re proving how little impact that knowledge has on your life. If Nintendo did an NES Classic type deal for the N64 or the Gamecube, you would pay thousands of dollars for them, even though you?ve already got both consoles.

Isabelle: You?re a mom that doesn?t actually play video games, you?re just doing this because your kid wanted somebody to play with. You picked the dog because she was cute. You?re either accidentally too good at the game, kick your kid?s ass, and make them cry, or you suck so hard that you?re actually less fun to fight against than the CPU. In 3 years, your kid will have moved on to FPS? and you?ll look back on Smash with a mix of nostalgia and sadness, because your kid doesn?t want to play with you any more. You read James Patterson books, love win, and masturbate in the shower.

Rosalina & Luma: You play the piano, harvest bull semen, or do something else outside of video games that requires two hands. You?re also big into RTS games. Something about controlling legions of forces, sending hundreds to their deaths, having so much power at your disposal awakens something deep inside of you. Even you leave off the ?& Luma? part when talking about the character.

Young Link: You are the token girl of a group of guys. Every single one of them wants to fuck you because you?re an average-looking girl who likes video games. You will be oblivious to all of it, and date some guy outside of your friend group. Half of them will start to resent you. All of them will be waiting for the opportunity to catch you at a vulnerable moment and have a one night stand with you. It will inevitably happen. It will be with the least shit guy of the group (which isn?t saying much) and ruin most of your interpersonal relationships. You also spend way too much money at conventions.

Ganondorf: You are also the token girl of a group of guys, but you?re also a fat, butch lesbian. You try way too hard to be one of the guys, chug beers even though everybody else is drinking like normal, and you very blatantly burp and fart. You will continue to act like this into your 40s at which point your hair will be gray and permanently styled in a faux hawk. Despite all this, you will have the hottest wife out of everyone on this list.

Zero Suit Samus: You picked her so you could play as her two-piece skin and masturbate with the screen paused, didn?t you?

King K. Rool: You were the kind of kid who ate paste and would always demand first choice of characters because it was your birthday. You use the most OP options in any game but will say that something is unfair when it beats you. The only reason we?re letting you play with us is because mom says have to, and you?ll tell on us if we don?t.

Shulk: You have an annoying voice. You don?t eat gluten, even though you don?t have any food allergies. You think all FPS games are stupid except for Overwatch. You use Tumblr slang in real life and have to ship every fictional character you come across. You?ve cried more recently than anyone else on the list, and you literally can?t even right now.

Falco: You?re like a Fox main with less autism. In some ways, however, you are much worse than them. When you aren?t using Falco?s blaster to make enemies flinch, you?re telling women to kill themselves on the Internet. You are the guy who goes to the bar to go after women with low self-esteem. You definitely yell the N word during heated gaming moments.

Pac-Man: You are the antithesis of the Mario main, and the type of person who always want to have new ?experiences.? You will date a teenager and defend it to your friends by saying ?age is just a number.? You also cheat on your partners and then act like you were the victim because you were ?suffocating? by being expected to be monogamous. Your favorite food is some weird kind of pizza or burger that?s named after an Arcade Fire song and only available at a local restaurant whose name is a pun.

Piranha Plant: Some men aren?t looking for anything logical, like money. They can?t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Joker: You decided you would main this character before you ever played them because you love JRPGs so much. You say ?u mad bro?? to annoy people even though you have the worst anger management of anyone on the list. You unironically liked the game ?Hatred? and will switch to Doomguy if he gets put in Smash.

Random: You?re pretty cool.

1

No Responses

Write a response