What Does It Feel Like To Have So Much Hate In Your Heart?

What Does It Feel Like To Have So Much Hate In Your Heart?

My encounter with a bully

Image for postImage by moritz320 from Pixabay

I think humans deal with pain and anger in two different ways. For those of us that have been hurt by others, we never want anyone else to feel those feelings. We fight the anger with kindness. I?d like to think I am one of those people.

Other people feel the need to spread the hate. You can call them bullies if you want.

While bullies should be vilified because their words and actions are harmful to others, I think if you look deep enough into that person?s mind, you will find someone who actually hates them self.

They find their victim and take their anger and insecurities on that person. That?s not giving them an excuse or a free pass to do what they please. It?s simply a reason for why they do and think the way they do.

We are all responsible for our own actions and we are all responsible for our reactions. How you deal with pain and anger shouldn?t involve taking others down with you.

Recently I was the ?victim? of one of these people. The type of people who just spread hate for no reason. I put victim in quotes because my feelings weren?t really hurt, though I assume that?s what the person was going for.

I had commented on a meme on Facebook. It was a silly thing saying ?What could you say during a meal that you could also say during sex?? My response is below. Sorry for the crappy cropping job. I?m not editing expert. I covered names for privacy.

Image for postScreenshot by Jessica Hillis

I said, ?I?ve never been so full in my life!?

Below that some guy responded, ?Yes, you definitely have, your overweight.?

Poor grammar aside, what the f*ck? Where did that come from? What was the point of even saying that? Obviously he was trying to hurt my feelings by making fun of my weight but why?

It didn?t hurt my feelings. If you have read other things I have written about, you would know that I am not insecure about my weight and that I embrace my body. ?Fat? is not an insult to me.

Normally I don?t feed the trolls. It isn?t worth it. I don?t have time to try to educate people. You can?t fix stupid and I?m not going to try.

My response was, ?I might be overweight but that doesn?t stop me from being full in multiple ways.?


I might be fat but clearly I am hilarious (well I think so anyway). Plus I have a lot of attributes that make me a cool person. One random person on the internet isn?t going to bring me down.

It got me thinking though. Why do people have so much hate in their hearts that they feel the need to bring people down? What does that even feel like? I felt sorry for this guy even though he was trying to hurt me.

Image for postPhoto by Jiawei Chen on Unsplash

I?m no saint, I have nasty thoughts sometimes. Some thoughts that aren?t so nice and shouldn?t be said. But guess what? I don?t say them! I also check myself and say, ?Hey Jess, that wasn?t very nice. Stop being a bitch.?

But you see the difference here? I think it but I don?t say it. And then I check myself. I see no harm in thinking something but when you then act on those feelings, that?s when there?s a problem.

They aren?t even extremely hateful comments. Just things like ?OMG, those are ugly shoes.? or ?You aren?t fooling anyone, that?s a toupee dude.?

I could never imagine trying to hurt someone just for the heck of it. I?ve been abused, bullied, and have endured a lot of hurt in life. I never want anyone else to feel that way. I try my best to not be the reason for someone?s pain.

There is pain and anger in me. I know how it feels. So when someone says nasty comments to me or other people for no real reason, I have to wonder why they have decided that pulling others down with them is the way to go.

Image for postPhoto by Jiawei Chen on Unsplash

Sadly, I think I know the answer to that. In today?s political climate, it is now ?OK? to be hateful to others without fear of the repercussions.

We can thank our current Cheeto In Chief for this. You know who and what I am talking about. When we have a bully as a president, people think being a bully is OK.

I try not to talk about politics too much. As I said, I don?t think I will change anyone?s minds with my thoughts.

I can?t teach your morality nor do I really want to try.

But I do see the shift that has happened over the last few years. It doesn?t take a rocket scientist to know that people are more comfortable to let their hate flow. Especially toward those who are different from them.

Now I, as a straight, white woman, am not usually a target for this hate. I realize I have that privilege. I can only imagine how it is for those who are considered minorities.

I?ve faced my own issues being a woman. I have my own stories to tell about assault and abuse. But it isn?t something I face every day. I don?t have to deal with ?haters? constantly.

Image for postPhoto by Denys Argyriou on Unsplash

It raises a question though; why do these people hate so much? I can?t imagine having that much hate in my heart to want to bring so much pain to people, whether it be as an individual or a group.

I don?t hate anyone that much. Not even the men who abused me. I don?t wish harm to them. They did some messed up things to me but I still don?t hate them to the point that I want them harmed.

Where do people learn this hate?

Like I said above, I am sure it stems from their own insecurities about themselves. If you look deep enough, you will find something they hate about themselves and they, in turn, want others to feel that pain.

In a way, I feel sorry for these bullies. Not enough to excuse their actions of course but I have to assume they have some issues they are dealing with. Issues they have yet to address.

So, to the guy that felt the need to ?hurt? me by calling me fat, why are you so angry? Who hurt you? Because it didn?t really hurt my feelings, I hope it made you feel a bit better to try to put me down.

Try to check yourself next time you decide to insult a random woman on the internet. Ask yourself why you are doing that. Figure out what you are getting out of throwing insults around.

Unfortunately for you, I have pretty thick skin. I know I am fat. Telling me that matters not one bit. That?s like saying I have glasses. Indeed I do. Way to point out the obvious my dude.


No Responses

Write a response