photo credit: pexels.com
Can?t find love?
There are less adults in relationships today than in decades past. There are fewer new marriages today than decades past. For the first time ever the single adult population is larger than the married population. And even more alarming, less people are coupled than ever.
So if you think that finding love is a challenge, then you?re not alone.
We are in a state of confusion. The terms we use like dating, relationship, marriage, and couple all seem to pour into each other as if one is a version of another. The reality is, we are confused about what it means to date, have a relationship, be a couple, and even get married.
With such a complicated system and limited language to dissect it all, it?s no wonder adults are having a hard time finding and falling in love.
If you want to be in love, that is not the same as being in a relationship.
If you want to be in love, that is not the same as being in a relationship. Sometimes it is, but not always. If you want a relationship that is not the same as being a couple. Yet again, sometimes it is but not always. And if you are dating, there is no guarantee that you are apart of a couple, or a relationship. So, how do you find love with so many renditions and gateways to get it?
We are not limited to these conditions to experience love. In fact, love is so much more abundant than just who we call our boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife. This isn?t a case for polyamory. This a case to be less fearful of the various ways that love can come, and to open your life to having more of it.
Love and Relationships Aren?t the Same
Unlike relationships, love just happens to us if we allow it. It has to be embraced instead of denied. The complicated story is living with the belief that if you are single, then love can only come from a relationship. Even more damaging, should only come from a relationship.
Though catchy to say, no one chooses to be single. Despite the books, and rhetoric to emphasize this phrase as an empowerment tool for single adults, it?s a complete and utter lie.
Every human being is born alone, and by default single according the government or census they are born into. Being single is like being a virgin. It is not something you can change without concerted effort.
Being single is like being a virgin. It is not something you can change without concerted effort.
Marriage, unless chosen for you is never guaranteed for any adult. The idea that love is something that you can strategically avoid is a made-up theme by movies, music, and literature.
Love is your right, and it?s a natural part of evolution. It?s a biochemical state that encourages reproduction and pair bonding. It?s natural for you, and all humans to love. To be loved, and feel loved is not the same as finding a loving relationship.
Relationships are the result of hard work and determination. Statistically, relationships don?t just happen. More adults report being lonely, and feeling lonely today than ever before. People are becoming more isolated than ever. So to ONLY find love in the form of a relationship is a limiting practice that keeps many people not just single, but without the love they deserve.
Love Isn?t Limited
You can love more people than you can build a life with ? Esther Perel.
The case for loving one person at a time, or even in a lifetime, should be reduced to a mere suggestion and not a strict rule. Love being a biochemical response, is not reserved for just one special human being ? although we like to treat it as such. You can love more than one person at a time and in your lifetime and it doesn?t make you untrue to your feelings. Quite the opposite.
With a fixed mindset about how many times we can fall in love, we hold on to standards that are less than what we want because it seems stable and sure. Or, we decide that because we have fallen in love, we can?t be with anyone else and we pursue partners who are unable or unwilling to gives us what we want.
When you fall in love with someone outside of a committed relationship, you run the risk of wasting time pining after a partner that you?ll never have. If you think this is your only shot at love, then you?re more likely to be disappointed. If you understand that you can love and let go, or love and love again, then it?s easier to believe that love is abundant, instead of rare.
So if you are looking for love, don?t limit yourself to just one person.
Falling In and Out Of Love Is Natural
Just because you love someone doesn?t mean that you can build a life with them, but it doesn?t mean that the love isn?t meaningful. Oftentimes we are more afraid of losing love, than we are excited about finding love. Our minds decide that once we fall in love, commitment and marriage are next, but this is a fixed mindset. Love, and not sex, is the highest vibrational state we can be in. It gives us access to love, joy, and peace.
Most people want love but are so strict in how it can come into their lives that they only allow it in very small portions, and under very specific conditions. Those limits keep love out of our lives and instead of feeling deep love, and we settle for attachment, or obsession, and mistaken that for love.
Love is hopeful, which means it looks towards the future instead of the past. When you find yourself unable to move forward from love, you are likely living by the emotions of the past. It?s normal to fall in and out of love.
As with any biochemical state, it is subject to conditions. If someone that you love disrespects you, devalues you, physically hurts you, or makes you feel fearful, it?s healthy to let go of the relationship, and eventually the love that may have brought you together.
When conditions change into an unhealthy environment, it?s like food that has gone bad. Milk that has gone sour. While we believe in phrases like unconditional love, this doesn?t mean that your relationship should continue, even though the feelings persists.
With our limited thinking, it?s hard to separate that we can love someone and not be in a relationship with them, but it happens all of the time. It?s important to realize that love should be fluid, and ever moving. It?s energy.
The best way to find love, is to be open to love in all forms. This isn?t a case for polyamory, but a suggestion to stop making love so special. Realize that falling in love doesn?t have to be something that happens once in a lifetime. That?s to say that if you had more than one child, you could only love one and not the others. It?s not a lack of love that keeps people without it, but a deep fear of loss.
This isn?t the case. We are capable of loving so much more than we do, and so much more often than we do. We are capable of being loved by more than one person in our lifetime, and we shouldn?t be afraid of that power.
Love shouldn?t be limited to what it looks like in movies, and television. The version of the story where if we love more than one person then it isn?t love, is a hard model to follow. You can?t build a life with everyone you love, but you can love more. And you should.
Take the pressure off of yourself to create a future with every person that you fall for, but don?t be afraid to fall.