The Super Secret World of Boobs

The Super Secret World of Boobs

Demystifying the tatas one bra-full at a time

Image for postPhoto by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

When my now-husband and I were first moving our relationship to the physical, I was horrified to discover he is not a boob man. I?d always liked my rack: Good size for my form and, by reports of previous lovers, the perfect size for a good handful of tit.

But alas, the man who I would eventually marry was an ass man. He liked big butts and no, he didn?t lie. When we started exploring and discussing the sexual part of our relationship, he made it clear; he likes a good rump ? the jigglier, the better.

This was good news for me. I have plenty of wiggly, jiggly ass; more than I?d prefer, personally. Nevertheless, I was a little crestfallen. The boobs were relegated to stand-by, and the booty, probably my least favorite body part, took center stage.

We adjusted, the girls and I. They got attention when I requested it. Even ass men can love a good mouthful of nipple. And I learned to enjoy a nice cheek jiggle or pinch.

But I still love my tits. I think everyone should.

The world of boobs is wildly variable. From the flat-chested to the humanly impossible, boobs are a publically scrutinized enigma to many. We all know breasts come in all shapes and sizes, but there is still a lot of woo-woo mysticism surrounding the chesticles. Let?s break down some of those myths, shall we?

1 There is no wrong size for a breast.* I?m gonna say it again for the kids in the back. There is no wrong size for a breast. While companies like Third Love have taken great strides in normalizing the vast and varied range of breast shape and size, there?s still some ground to cover.

No one gets to decide you need breast enhancement or reduction surgery. Unless surgery is necessary for medical reasons or is a part of your transition, there?s no reason to need either of those. Just because you?re a member of the itty-bitty-titty-committee or an all-natural G-cup doesn?t mean you are obligated to fix your chest to someone else?s preference.

If you want bigger or smaller hoo-has, plastic surgery?s got you, boo. Your body, your choice, and I?ll support you for making it. But do it for you and no one else.

2 Shape is more of a fashion trend.* History has been rather unkind to the female form in general, exacting demands of ungodly, impossible shapes, and silhouettes. While the corset is probably chief among sins for figure expectation, the bra comes in a close second.

The bra has forced the babs into all sorts of shapes and arrangements, with public expectation that the naked knockers magically maintain that same shape. Recall the milk mountains of the 1950s or the Madonna cones from the 1980s. Push-up bras and t-shirt bras, binders, and padded numbers, the ?shape to have? has changed wildly through the eons. And with few exceptions, its rarely been ?whatever shape the humxn is born with.?

*If your breast suddenly changes shape, swells, begins to pucker, indent, or your nipples begin to invert, please speak with a doctor. This may be an early sign of breast cancer or serious infection and should be looked at by a medical professional as soon as possible.

3 Your boobies are probably different sizes. Most womxn born with breasts have lopsided sizing, with one titty bigger than the other. That?s normal. Many also find their breasts are slightly off-kilter or are oriented differently with nipples pointing in different directions. Still normal.

Even more than that, your boobs may change size regularly, albeit just a little. Factors like menstrual cycle, hormone levels, diet, and that all popular, screw-with-everything one, stress can inflate or deflate your breasts. It is not uncommon or even a little bit weird to have up a cup size difference between the maraca-mammas.

You are normal if you have to use both pads that came with the bra to bulk up the left side, so it looks even underneath that super-cute cleavage-friendly shirt. You are not alone.

4 Those probably aren?t nipple pimples. Nipples are as unique as fingerprints, according to science. If you?re into it, you can even teach your phone to recognize your nipple for the biometric locking programs. I don?t know why you would do that. I don?t know how they figured that out. It doesn?t matter.

Pause for terminology check ? the nipple is actually just that nubbly bit in the center. It?s the part that hardens and goes erect when stimulated or cold. For mammary-gland owners, it?s where the milk comes out should you produce breastmilk. The rest of it is called the areola.

If you?ve spent any amount of time examining those, you?ve likely noticed pimple-like bumps around the nipple and areola. Those probably aren?t pimples. Most likely, those are Montgomery Tubercles. They are oil glands that produce a type of oil to keep your nipples lubed up during breastfeeding and shield them from germs.

While they are most commonly seen in pregnant women, they can pop up during puberty, during menses, or because of stress. (That bitch.) It?s best not to mess with them. Any oil build-up will likely be washed away during your regular bathing routine. Don?t ?pop? them; leave them alone.

5 They aren?t sexual unless you want them to be. If you?ve ever been around a woman strapped into a breast pump while it milks her like cattle, you know that mammary-inclusive tits can be the least sexy thing ever. Nothing screams, ?Take me now, big daddy,? like a wet hiss of breast milk spraying into funnels and dripping into bottles. Unless that?s a kink for you, let me tell you, it?s pretty unsexy.

Yet, the astoundingly persistent thought is that boobies are these wildly sexual things all the time. Apparently, the simple sight of a tit unleashes the animal side of every guy ever, and our breasts should, therefore, be covered (but not too covered, you prude) for our own protection.

When it comes time to define sex organs, the general idea is that you label the ones that are required for, well, sex. Boobs aren?t required. Sure, they can be erogenous zones, and nipple play can be quite stimulating. But ears can be just as erogenous, and so far, no earmuff trend has arisen. (If it were though, bet me the womxn would be the ones to have to wear them.)

Not everyone is into boobs (see above; my husband.) Breasts are not required for copulation. Said another way, they aren?t sex organs. If you are so turned on by boobs, you cannot function like a goddamn adult in their presence, that feels like your problem, not the boobie owner?s.

So there you have it. That?s a primer on boobs and a few of their secrets spilled. Need more about the feminine body? Try this one on.

8 Secrets to Vagina Owning No One Ever Told Me

Yes, your vagina can bleach your panties, and other mysteries solved

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Bonus material: Side note for the make-up fans, there is a theory that the color of your areola when you are not menstruating or pregnant is your ideal nude lip shade. I dutifully swatched a bunch of colors that hovered around my areola color, checked in the bathroom, and to this day, it is my favorite daily wear color. Mine is MAC Liptensity in Medium Rare if you?re curious. And you were.

Thanks for reading. Check out my other articles on sexuality while you?re here.

UnSexy: How Spicing Up My Sex Life Cost Me a Tooth

A true story that proves sex isn?t always sexy

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The Dildo and the 30-Year-Old Virgin

When sex and education fail to meet, the questions get awkward.

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Gwenna Laithland is a writer, humorist, and professional writing assistant. She is the founder and editor of WonderQuill. She is a work-at-home mom of 3 living in Oklahoma, working on her debut novel, Beyond the Sky.

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