Photo by Tom? Vydr?al on Unsplash
The interplay between our roles in our everyday lives and our roles in the bedroom has always been interesting. Much of our personal identity in our daily lives stems from our sexuality and vice versa. Sexual expression finds its outlets in almost every thing we do, and everything we do also finds a way to creep into the bedroom, more often than not. Our sexuality is a deeply-rooted part of us, it?s our essence and vitality, and it says a lot about a person, what flavor of sex they prefer.
But should it be this way? I personally don?t think so.
In the Latin of the glorious ancient Rome, they didn?t even have words which denoted whether a person was homosexual or heterosexual ? it simply didn?t matter which sex a person preferred to indulge in their sexual excursions with. They did, however, have distinct words which would distinguish whether a person was dominant or submissive in the bedroom, and for the Romans, being a ?dom? or ?sub? was much more than just a role that one filled or preferred in the bedroom, it was a statement about their way of life.
Socially dominant men of higher status in everyday life, with more money, or who were older were typically the dominant player in sexual relationships. They were the ones who received the pleasure while the less socially desirable party were the ones who gave it ? and everybody knew about it. This is one of the many reasons I?m glad I don?t live in ancient Rome.
But sexuality doesn?t tell the whole story and tracing the ?how? and ?why? of the roots of our sexual expression can be a rather difficult, labyrinthine process, seeing as our expressions of sex can vary so wildly. Some men feel powerful when they look up and gaze into the eyes of the woman who they?re pleasing.
In our modern world, someone can be a soul-crushing, vehement, anti-gay politician by day, and a submissive who secretly loves to have a dominatrix humiliate him behind closed doors by night. But unless we keep our sex lives and our lives outside the bedroom totally separate, like these people often do, we?re sometimes judged by our sexual dispositions in our everyday lives; people still seem to expect total congruence between our sexual expression and our lifestyles. This can be a bit of a challenge for men who like to enjoy a more submissive role in the bedroom, even from time to time. When our sexual dispositions and our personal lives are not congruent, we are often viewed as disingenuous, putting on a facade, a plastic face that society tells us that we hide behind ? nothing could be further from the truth.
We masculine guys who prefer taking a submissive or ?giving? role in the bedroom are often met with raised eyebrows and confused looks when people discover a discrepancy between our perceived ?dominant? status outside of the bedroom, and a willingness to listen, behave, and sexually please inside of the bedroom. But I?m here to tell you that your sexual preferences do not define you. We can be submissive in our relationships and sex lives, and still be powerful, strong, sturdy, reliable people outside of the bedroom.
It?s no secret that sexually submissive men have a stigma surrounding them, especially if they take up the ?sub? role of a BDSM relationship. They?re thought of by many people as also socially submissive, and this is just downright incorrect.
There?s Nothing Wrong With Submission
It?s okay to be a male and have a softer side. We?ve all heard the expression, ?When in Rome, do as the Romans do.? Thankfully, we don?t live in ancient Rome, and we no longer need the link between our sexuality and our perceived social status in interpersonal relationships. In fact, it?s more than just okay, it?s a virtue. There?s nothing wrong with a desire and willingness to give people sexual pleasure in consensual relationships, whatever they may look like. The fact is, a desire to please ? a desire to be one of the best lovers that our partner has ever enjoyed ? is NOT a submissive or effeminate trait, regardless what the ancient Romans thought ? can a man really feel complete, comfortable in his own skin, if he believes that he?s sub-par in the bedroom? I think not.
Julius Caesar may have conquered Gaul, but I?d much rather conquer the heart of the woman I love every single day, bringing about smiles and stares that hint of indulgent pleasure, and gleaming eyes passionate exuberance.
And if you were to ask, I think you?d be surprised to find out that, for all the negative terms society has for sexually submissive males, many women prefer men who are willing to listen and let them take charge in the bedroom to someone who?s only out for themselves and their own pleasure.
It?s time for the stigma surrounding more sexually submissive men to go away. I say that we as men, especially us guys who are particularly masculine men, embrace our softer side both in and out of the bedroom, regardless of who doesn?t like it or the perceptions of others. It?s 2019, and we can finally be flexible. Men are maintaining the home as an invaluable support system while women enjoy fruitful careers and men are raising the children while their girlfriends and wives are at board meetings. We?ve turned gender roles on their heads in the last few decades and it?s a beautiful thing?and I think it?s time that we do the same for our roles in the bedroom. Our sexual preferences aren?t some fatalistic prophecy that will force us into submission in every facet of life, they?re an opportunity for us to indulge in a side of ourselves that we don?t often get to. They are intimate moments where we can be our true selves, and they should be embraced.
2019; Joe Duncan. All Rights Reserved
Moments of Passion