image by Gemma Evans from Unsplash.com
What started as a hilarious conversation with one friend, then morphed into an article idea, which further snowballed into a number of laughter-inducing conversations on my asking a variety of people this question.
The question being: ?What are your dating deal breakers??
First off, what is a dating deal breaker?
This is either a physical trait, a habit, or a personality thing that if the person you are dating posses or displays, it will likely signal the end of the relationship for you.
This would be something you could not accept, compromise on, or adjust to. It is something that you ultimately (personally) cannot or would not choose to accept in a romantic partner.
Deal breakers are, of course, different from person to person. As well as, our deal breakers can shift and change over the course of our lives, depending on various needs and desires at any given point.
I asked roughly 25 people this question, and their answers are what make up the results listed below. After lots of laughs and entertaining conversations, I compiled the data into a list of the main deal breakers I was given.
It?s important to note that I didn?t influence people in any way. I didn?t even reveal my own personal deal breakers until after they had already answered with their own. Thus, the answers given by others were uninfluenced and totally their own.
Without further ado, here were the top dating deal breakers:
(Important note: these are not in any particular order, though a number of these were mentioned multiple times and appeared on multiple peoples deal breaker lists. For the ones that appeared often, I will make sure to note that they were mentioned more than once).
1. If a person is boring, meaning, they don?t really have much going on in their lives in terms of hobbies, passions, life dreams towards which they are working, fun activities they enjoy regularly, or a couple of good friends they love socializing with?this was cited as a top deal-breaker for many people.
2. If someone is rude, has bad manners, or is impolite, this is a deal breaker. And it was named by several people as a significant one. A number of people went so far as to add, if someone is rude to any kind of service staff, such as waiters, secretaries, valets, etc, because they feel these people are beneath them, that this is not going to fly.
3. Smoking cigarettes. For a couple of people, this was not a deal breaker. But, for the vast majority of people I polled, it was one, flat out. In fact, this was near the very top of the list for most.
For the ones who said it would prevent them from wanting to date someone, here were the reasons they gave as to why: awful breath, smells bad, clothing and home stinks when someone smokes, destroys teeth, ruins your looks over time, lots of long term health issues, and that it?s just an ?unattractive? and gross habit, they said.
4. This was not a top deal breaker, though it did appear on more than one list. Messy eaters are a no-go in dating.
5. A number of people had this on their list, remarking that a person should either be as smart as they are, or even smarter.
Looks fade. Then, you are left with conversation, shared activities, and friendship with that person. Thus, for many, intelligence was important.
Another thing that was mentioned by participants which falls into this vein: people who are ignorant, closed-minded, uneducated, and have zero interest in changing that. These were named as deal breakers for many.
6. Substance abuse of any kind (with alcohol or drugs). This was also at the very top of the list for most. Almost everyone polled named it as a deal breaker. Not much further explanation needed.
7. This was not at the top of the list, but around eight people named it as a deal breaker. One person said ?if he doesn?t pay on the first date, it?s a deal breaker.? But the general responses for this were more in the vein of just general stinginess being a major turnoff and deal breaker.
8. Racist, sexist, or prejudice. This made it onto a handful of lists as well. If a person comes across in any of these ways, the people who named this as a deal breaker said ?forget it.?
9. Not willing to compromise or make changes for personal growth. This was a top deal breaker among those polled and named on the majority of lists.
A relationship cannot function well, move forward, or grow much if one person refuses to compromise or work towards some degree of self growth. Thus, this is a requirement in all successful long-term relationships anyway. Without it, the relationship cannot progress, and ultimately, will almost certainly crash and burn eventually.
10. People who are obsessed with social media. Meaning, if they always have their phone out, must ever be texting, are frequently checking Facebook, posting to Instagram, whatever.
The people who listed this as a deal breaker said they feel it shows a lot of disrespect for the flesh and blood people who are in this person?s presence and are being ignored for social media. And, that it shows a significant sense of personal insecurity, because the social media addicts need constant approval and attention from, as well as pseudo connection with others.
11. Not caring about one?s health at least somewhat was a deal breaker for a significant handful of people. A person need not be overly into the gym (in fact, this was a deal breaker for a couple people. Being too into the gym or one?s body and looks, too obsessive). However, people said their partner should be somewhat mindful about their health, exercise at least semi-regularly, and be fairly interested in and concerned with maintaining themselves (both in terms of eating well, physical activity, and taking good care of themselves).
12. People who aren?t open to change or new things. This was on a decent handful of lists. These people said they need someone who is open to change, not a slave to routine, someone who is interested in new experiences, places, adventures, and is open to different things.
These ones who cited this as a deal breaker said that being with someone who refuses change is something that would not work for them over the long term, and is both a relationship and attraction killer.
It is worth noting that I am, of course, aware that this was an incredibly limited poll. Therefore, my results are not necessarily representative of what the population at large might name for their deal breakers.
However, with that said, I have done additional research on dating deal breakers apart from the poll results above, and a large number of these deal breakers are in fact, found on many of the other online lists and studies.
Common deal-breakers that tended to resurface and come up often within my own online searches and research regarding this topic included:
-if someone is boring-impolite-if a person refuses to compromise-smoking-substance abuse and addiction-stinginess
(And as you can see, all of those came up within my own polling as well. So these seem to be pretty significant deal breakers for a widespread number of people).
Lastly, there are a number of deal breakers that are ?givens? so they were not listed. These would include such things as: cheating, being abusive, horrible personal hygiene, no trust in the relationship, etc. Some people mentioned these items when I asked them about deal breakers, but I told them these are ?a given? and that I am instead, looking for their own personal ones which some people may accept but which they personally could not.