This was written July 2015, with various edits made in interim periods as I remembered stuff.
Lately, I?ve been dealing with an increase in flashbacks, reminders of events from friends, and heightened anxiety due to a recent event revolving around SuperPsyguy/Bitpolar and CrikeyDave. I?m rewriting and expanding upon my testimonies, because when I originally wrote them early 2014, it was mostly to inform friends, as I didn?t really feel like telling the same story over and over. There were key elements I think I ended up leaving out due to simply not remembering them.
I know these two are generally irrelevant these days, and I?m not too interested in kicking the callout back up right now. This isn?t for attention, to be honest, it?s for my own records, for the records of the callout blog, and other stuff like that?basically to serve as a long-form testimony if someone feels like digging beyond my truncated version. But anyway, it?s really not fun digging this crap back up. Trust me when I say I?d love it if this issue disappeared forever and ever, and I could go about my life posting Kumamon pictures and memeing on my friends. But, this has taken literal years of my life away from me. I met Psy in 2006; the year is currently 2015. That?s nine years. I?m 22 years old now, and I am dealing with PTSD and other fun mental instabilities thanks to what transpired.
This will be split into sections for easier reading, since my original post was kind of a jumbled mess of bad grammar and ?SO THEN THIS HAPPENED?. When something takes up that much time, and so much shit happens, it ends up being a doozy. So without further ado, here?s my entire experience of my abuse from SuperPsyguy and CrikeyDave, as well as their enablers.
It was the year 2001 when I first even heard of Psy, who, back then, was known as the pioneer of sprite comics. I didn?t know what Sonic was, I was looking up Pokemon sprite comics when I happened to see That?s My Sonic. I was eight years old.
The raunchy humor (raunchy in this instance meaning disgusting?homophobic, racist, misogynistic, ableist, the works) really appealed to me, because I was literally a little kid. I watched the site grow to have staff members who rotated in and out of favor. I watched The Fallout Shelter be a thing. I kept up with the comics on the site, the Livejournals of various staff members, and who Psy happened to be dating.
See, Psy was VERY public about his love life, which is something pretty much everyone who knows Psy knows about him. Even back then, girls were exchanged frequently for something he perceived as better. I didn?t really pay attention because I was, again, a kid, except to when Tara fell in and out of favor, because I really liked her work even back then.
There were times I?d fall out of viewing the site, but Wha-CHOW was ultimately what roped me back in. I thought the podcast was hilarious, despite the obvious aforementioned problems that exist in everything Psy touches. I wanted to be in that. I wanted to curse and laugh along with these cool adults. I wanted to be privy to their private lives! Imagine how cool it would be to be on the inside, right? Maybe -I- could have my comic on Fireball20xl! Maybe I could be cool and popular!
Cool and popular. I?ll keep this short but, I was heavily bullied as a kid for being obnoxiously weird. I had no social skills, worked my obsessions into everything, cried and got overstimulated constantly, and generally was dealt a shit hand because of my autism. My teachers even bullied me, encouraging the kids to take part. I would verbally stim to myself and make up stories to keep myself occupied. As years went on, the bullying only got worse, and I was eventually forcibly ousted from most student events for my own safety. Hell, even my own brother bested me at everything. I could never win.
So, imagine the appeal of being noticed by THE Bryon Beaubien, THE Psyguy himself, to a lonely 13 year old who just entered junior high school. I was insecure, I was lonely, my friends treated me like humor fodder and nothing more, but if Psy noticed me, I could be POPULAR! Fucking imagine, getting approval, praise, love, and attention from so many people, having so many friends who were POPULAR! Nobody knew or cared who I was, and if they did, they thought I was awkward. I wanted the validation to change that. Why is this being mentioned? Don?t worry?my crap childhood will become very apparent very soon.
Eventually, after reading on Psy?s Livejournal for the longest time, I bit the bullet and began commenting.
It didn?t take long for Psy to notice that some rando with her full name as their username was commenting on his inane ramblings pretty much every day for a month. I don?t even remember what he?d post about or what I?d say; the Livejournals are long gone. So he asked?who the hell are you and why are you commenting on my personal journals? Well, I replied excitedly, I?ve been a long-time fan and I think you?re super interesting! Oh by the way I?m a girl lol you don?t seem to hang out with many girls! ^_^ Casual 13-year old shrug!
Oh, did I mention Psy is ten years and half a month older than me and was 23 at this point? That?s pretty relevant I think. Pardon me, I figured the age gap was common knowledge by now.
Psy?s eyes lit up like dollar signs, except instead of dollar signs it was ?the prospect of getting internet pussy?. Hell if I knew that, though. At 13, I was super celibate and actually kind of a prude. I couldn?t read social cues either, and I would have NEVER suspected ulterior motives from THE popular internet famous Psyguy. So imagine my surprise when Psy is all excited about getting to know me and getting all of his friends to add me on Livejournal and Skype! Shit boy howdy, my plan worked! Internet validation for the 13 year old with already dangerously low self esteem, here we come!
My first Skype call wasn?t with Psy, even?it was Cailen Crow, Mike Renner, and Kirbopher. I adored these three specifically, and I was so giddy that I had a half day at school that day and could spend a sunny afternoon cavorting with three people I adored. After a bit of banter, Cailen is the first to ask, how old are you? Why, I?m 13, why do you ask? Uh oh! Now everyone?s uneasy, but I have no idea until years later that they were. To naive me, these people were amazing and they loved me!
Psy treated me very well, and I don?t remember any microaggressions on his part that weren?t things EVERYONE did, like mock my love of Haruhi Suzumiya (which was actually a niche show at the time). I didn?t even care, I persisted, even during live recordings. My shtick during the Wha-CHOWs and in calls quickly became ?innocent underaged girl who knew nothing but she was so cute and a good fodder for making thinly veiled jokes about fucking underaged girls?. I was once shrieked at by Kirb for not knowing who the voice actor on our first interview episode was, because I had a brain fart and couldn?t pull up the information mentally.
But, I let this all slide. I let everything slide?the arguments, whatever bitching Psy did, Kirb being an obnoxious asshole, all of it. I was often very quiet on mic because I didn?t have a safe space to call my own, I was in the family office. I was being Approved Of by Bryon Beaubien, and nothing else mattered. I began crushing on him, like a 13 year old does when confronted by their favorite celebrity. (I didn?t keep up much with pop culture.) I struggle keeping information to myself, so I told him. The response was ?aww that?s cute. Maybe when you?re 18 lol.?
Speaking of girlfriends, I do remember Jess was around for some of this time. I remember the story Psy gave??she cut her wrists open and showed me, and she?s crazy so I dumped her.? I pitied Psy very much and tried to offer the support I could. He was also a bit vicious to Filthy, but I think she might have been with Jake during this? I don?t know. Again, water off a duck?s back.
But once my ability to color art was known, Psy put me right to work coloring his things when he couldn?t be arsed to do it. One piece I distinctly remember was little kid me (my avatar at the time) sitting on Santa Psy?s lap, which he admitted to drawing as a vague pedo joke. This coloring thing was, in the end, my downfall. I made a piece for myself during the holidays of my favorite character in a holiday hat. Oh, Psy sneered, you?re too busy to color MY work, but you can do your own art? I struggled to explain, but Psy would have none of it.
I was blocked by not just Psy, but his entire group, except for Mike Renner. I cried and cried and cried for hours at Psy having been so rude and hurtful as to block me for doing a personal piece in the middle of dealing with, you know, eighth grade school work. It was decided I was too immature to be with the group. I cried for hours, trying desperately to reason with Renner. Even my mom stepped in that night to protect her daughter. But, it was fruitless, and I was given the boot.
In hindsight, this was a good decision. While none of them were altogether very mature, I was 13 fucking years old and didn?t need to be around 23 year old men and their gaggle of adult infants of similar ages. (I?m friends with some of the people I knew back then still, and they?ve all admitted to being very immature back then.) I had no business knowing such old people. But, as one does, I picked myself up off the floor, delved into my fanservicey underaged porn fodder animes, joined a Livejournal RP group, and forgot about Psy for awhile.
2007 was pretty great.
In a brief fit of boredom, I checked up on Psy?s deviantART in either late 2007 or early 2008, I?m not sure, but either way, I was sucked right back into Fireball20xl?s allure, despite being a huge and important component of my RP group who carried a lot of plot weight on her shoulders. I was important to an extent, but god, I missed Psy. I missed the dumb jokes and the podcasts and just being with someone I liked so much. I still held onto my childhood crush and fangirlish admiration for him. I think he began to do videos then, too, and I LOVED Sonic Bastardized and its bloopers. I listened to the Wha-CHOWs I missed and Psy?s other recordings regularly. I missed him dearly.
So without much fanfare, I trotted onto his deviantART and asked politely if we could be friends again. He said yes, also without much fanfare, and we added each other back on Skype. From what I remembered, I was around right in the middle of Liz?s first relationship with Psy, but I remembered recently that I was actually around when Psy was nearing the end of his relationship with 16-year old Sharon. He often had us both on call, acting like an exasperated dad, constantly confusing our names. He also would complain to me that Sharon was boyish and ugly, for whatever reason.
It wasn?t long before Psy shoved Sharon to the sidelines to date Liz. Oh boy, Liz. Liz was a very large, gross, tumor-esque part of my abuse. At this point, though, all she really is is ?Psy?s bitchy controlling girlfriend who thinks I should fuck off because I?m 14 (according to Psy)?. GOD I was mad at Liz for that. I hardly got to talk to Psy unless it was a podcast, and even then, my connection was absurdly unstable (like, leech off McDonalds using my new laptop unstable).
I lurked very quietly most of this time. I watched as Psy would sign on, then I would try to work up the courage to say hello, and then watch as he signed off. I would draw comics about how I wanted to be his gold star girl. He complained about Liz and they always fought, I could do SO much better. You know, me, 14 years old, only fangirlishly infatuated. But to a 14 year old, this is Truest Love Ever!!! And really, Psy knew I wanted to talk to him.
I know he knew because when he dumped Liz, he immediately came up to me and apologized for shunning me, blaming Liz?s evil bitch tendencies on shutting me out. (Whether this is a lie or not remains to be seen.) He really liked me and wanted me back in every call! I now had privacy to be able to talk to him without interference from family thanks to the office door and my laptop, and I jumped on that opportunity, and was once again the token pedo fodder, this time at age 15.
This was when I met CrikeyDave, who had barely just begun drawing GG-Guys. I had no fucking clue who he was, but he was shy, his voice was cute, whatever, I was much more interested in Psy and the group calls. Liz was there during the early ones, but I believe in early 2009 she was long gone and Tara was back in the picture.
Oh, 2009. Brace yourselves, 2009 is an adventure.
2009 began with Liz officially being given the boot because LOL CRAZY BITCH according to Psy. The calls were mostly Psy, Dave, Kirb (who even back then usually mocked me because I had a teenaged crush on him for all of a day), Tara on rare occassions, his girlfriend flavor of the month (who I often never paid much mind beyond being normal friendly me), and myself.
This was when I got to know who Psy truly was to his friends?and who Psy truly was, was someone who complained way too goddamn much for how good he had it. Most of the time he complained about his boss and coworker at his old work place, but he also complained about how Liz was crazy, and how flavor-of-the-month was crazy or ugly or didn?t put out or whatever. Honestly, listening to Psy drone on was like someone slowly inserting more and more sad bees into your ears until all you can hear is the most boring buzzing sound you?ve ever heard. But, I digress?
He at one point came knocking on Tara?s door when she was experiencing a rough patch in her relationship pre-engagment. He was all over her, talking about how good she was and how much he missed her. Gifts, roses, chocolates, sweet talkings, you name it, Psy was willing to dump it on Tara to have her back. I thought it was cute at the time. Back then, I still was incredibly passive about Psy?s constant whining and personal conflicts, and did not engage myself too much in them beyond listening. I had no desire to carry out Psy?s will until much later that year.
Tara quickly fixed up her relationship with her now-husband, much to Psy?s absolute fury. He was so nice! He bought plane tickets for Tara to go see him! (nevermind that she paid for half, lol) Gifts! All sorts of things! He was SO NICE and Tara was SUCH A BITCH and Psy?s heart was COLD AS THE WINTER SNOW and he was honestly so melodramatic you?d HAVE to be 15 to buy into it. Being without Liz, Tara, or other romantic prospects he claimed he needed to feel fulfilled (his needs were friends, job, and girlfriend, according to him), he created a side deviantART account for Dave and I to view, called abberuin.
abberuin was the personification of Psy?s apparent complete and utter despair at the fact he wasn?t getting his dick wet. This account was filled with poems and misogynistic tirades about women manipulating him for sex, using and abusing him, lying to him, and how much he just wanted to kill them (?) for not fulfilling his needs or something. He was furious as Tara for not bending to his will, and he was also furious at various big-name Sonic fangirls for loving Sonic more than the real living human being Psy who was SO CHARMING how could you deny him?
I covered abberuin in my old callout, but the archive is on the callout if you?re interested in delving into ~the mind of madness~ (he was honestly so fucking ableist it hurt. Psycho? Bitpolar? Really?)
It was now often just Psy, Dave, and myself, with occasional obnoxious Kirb, who fought with Psy all the damn time to the point where it was exasperating. Psy ramped up the microaggressions and flirtings (ahem, ?joke hit ons lol im so funny!!!?) towards me very slightly at this point. I didn?t realize it until looking at the documents citing horrible shit Psy said to every girl ever, but he very often made fun of me for being the kind of loyalty he literally groomed me into having with all of his sad-ass abberuin winter-mask-I?m-so-cold shit.
You see, his ideal partner was Amy Rose with the body of Rouge the Bat. I can?t make this shit up. Even back then I thought it was a bit corny. By inciting constant pity in me, he groomed me into believing the world was out to get him, that Dave and I were the only people who loved him in this cold, dark world, and that every woman he dated was evil, spiteful, and either wanted his dick or was just insane and selfish. I didn?t get the ?dumped me on my birthday? story, but I did get one of ?my girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend? and ?I once beat up a kid in school who made me so mad I saw red, I?m such a horrible monster!?
But as we now know, every tale was spun specifically for pity, every word out of his mouth was a bold-faced lie, and if you told me the trail of destruction he led back then when i was 15, it would probably boggle my mind completely. But, as it stood, I had no suspicions that anything was any different from what Psy said it was. Like Cailen said, ten girlfriends in two years, like they were nothing more than jerk-off rags thrown out because they got too needy. But from what I was told, they were all horribly evil, and Psy was just a misunderstood lost monster guy who needed luv. 🙁
I wouldn?t be surprised if Dave got bored of Psy?s whining, because he began to express interest in me. Out of nowhere, he called me on Skype one evening for a chat. Again, I didn?t know him much beforehand; he was the guy who drew GG-Guys who had a cute accent and was really shy, like I said before. Not really much to go off of, if you want to know the truth. So again, he calls me, and we talked for several hours, joked around, laughed, and had a great time. He was now sold on me as a buddy friend that he could hang out with separate from Psy (Dave did throw him under the bus constantly because while Dave pitied him, Psy complained too damn much). And I was sold on his charm.
As Dave and I?s relationship budded, Psy yanked Liz out from the skeletons in his closet and decided that public enemy number one was now PUBLIC BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER ^___^ I LOVE YOU LIZ. Now that Psy finally shut the fuck up about how winter had come on his sad 25 year old baby heart, Dave and I spent a lot of time to ourselves. And I mean a LOT of time. Being two hours behind Psy, Dave could talk to me for longer, because Psy would go to bed early. If Psy wasn?t around, but Dave was, Dave and I immediately got to talking.
We mostly talked about Dave?s life, what he liked, Psy?s weird inane bullshit, current memes, random bits of philosophy, and, most importantly, knocking me down a few pegs about what I liked. Dave couldn?t stand my fanservicey gross pedo mangas that I liked. He didn?t get why I RPed anywhere. I should play video games and not like this dumb shit! This ended up in me slowly weaning myself off of my favorite things to spend time with Dave, who, to me, was infinitely more interesting now than Psy ever was. He was more personable, friendlier, funnier, and, sadly, more openly dismissive to keep me in some sort of line. That, coupled with the near constant talking, had me firmly under Dave?s thumb.
Pardon the aside, but I wonder what the hell the point of the constantly-having-me-in-call thing was for Dave. I mean, if he genuinely enjoyed my company, that?s cool, but I didn?t have time to myself anymore, and all of my hobbies went bye-bye for the sake of these long-ass calls. Dave would even complain to me about being on call for so long, because it drained his 10 gigs of data he had to use per month. Like, bandwidth caps suck, I?m on a 50 gig one right now, but what on God?s green Earth is the point of talking with me for honest to god hours if it?s such a problem? He even called me when friends were over, or when his mom was around. Hell, even his step-dad was around, and he hit on me too, which was weird and gross.
Dave expressed to me that working on GG-Guys while doing freelance work was a giant pain in his ass. Me, being friendly, generous, and willing to offer my services whenever needed, offered to lighten Dave?s load by slapping some colors on for him. The first one I colored had Dave buck-ass naked with his dick hanging out, and honestly if that?s not an alarm I don?t know what is. Here, 15 year old Shannon, color my dick for me as I leap to assault the walking tits character outside while the writer mocks his girlfriend for wanting attention and existing. Psy only let me color two comics before getting mad because I wasn?t in it, by the way.
Being in such close proximity to someone who was so ?nice? to me, I inevitably developed a huge teenager crush on Dave. Being so kind to me, so friendly and sweet, I couldn?t help myself at the time. It came up in conversation with Psy (who told me Dave looked like ?a drowned rat? and he didn?t get it but ?okay, whatever?), who cannot keep a secret to save his life, and, despite knowing I wanted to let the crush slide, came bounding his way to Dave?s doorstep to loudly declare that I, Shannon KM, had Lovey-Dovey Feelings for Dave Smith. (I apologize if the comedic tone devalues this any, I?m tired and Psy is ridiculous)
Dave immediately calls me and Psy on Skype when he finds out, at the ripe hour of 6 AM, before school. Oh Shannon, he says, you would be the perfect girlfriend, but you?re 15, I?m 23, and you?re definitely not Australian, and I want to keep my dating pool to local girls only. I relented and accepted, knowing this would be the answer, despite wishing it wasn?t. I went to school like nothing happened. Sure, I was certainly sad as all hell, but life goes on. I mean, I didn?t feel anything for Psy anymore, so surely this, too, would pass.
Except no it didn?t, because Dave began being unusually affectionate and kind. He had seen a photo of me by this point, and he would remark about me being cute, about how kind I was to him, so on and so forth. Lots of text hugs, lots of late-night calls, just, Dave did everything he could to keep my company for as long as he could. If Psy were to complain about Liz, we stopped listening and talked about whatever we wanted instead. This culminated in me giving Dave a text-kiss on the cheek, in a playful manner, and his reply giving me a full-blown text kiss on the lips. Oh, but he still didn?t wanna BE with me, he just liked my company. The original ?no? was completely blown out of the water by now, leaving the floodgates to open for our relationship.
I began vomiting daily. My nerves were so high that I would wake up early to talk to Dave, puke, go to school, sleep in class, go home, talk to Dave, go to bed, wake up, puke, etc. I had an honest to god panic attack over his sudden affection that led me to have to stay home from school one day. This went away after a time, but for a short while, puking before my early morning RP fuck was normal.
Despite it never being official, it was a relationship and everyone knew it. I giddily told everyone after a podcast recording that Dave was returning my feelings, according to Meta (I don?t doubt it, I was super excited). Psy hooked Dave and I up in Sims 3 and promptly married us off to each other. Psy would constantly ask us if we were fucking in the background. At first, we were not, but the relationship ramped up so much, so quickly, that Dave joked about us being in cyber bed by the end of the week, and it actually fucking happened, right before school one day.
After that, the cyber sex was daily, for hours. These RPs were long and involved, happening in the background of every call (from June through July 2009, if you listen to the old podcasts, we were RPing in the background). Dave often controlled the scenarios, but would let me give input on ideas, which usually ended in him being in control anyway. He admired my sexual prowess, and loved that I would do whatever he wanted, including letting him control my body and actions through body hypnosis (a form of purposely nonconsensual hypnosis), masturbating openly in places while no one was home (but thankfully never on call), shit like that. He would take advantage of this for the rest of the time I knew him.
But it wasn?t just friends with benefits, we were still very close and decidedly non-sexual on call. When we weren?t roleplaying Homer-esque sexcapades, he would express gratitude for my existence in subtle ways. Once was by drawing me a picture of the two of us together. I was crying in his arms, and he was petting me, while holding a big badass Cloud from FF7-esque sword. He said he was thinking about me while drawing it, how I made him feel needed. He told me his ex-girlfriend dumped him five years ago for a local bloke, and would only talk to him once a year, and he was horrendously bitter about it.
Speaking of her, he would often divulge super sexual information about his roleplays with her to me. He would lament his lack of current relationship despite me being right the fuck there basically dating him. He would compare me to her, and talk very highly about her?he wouldn?t compliment me nearly as much. The compliments were very vague and subtle, and mostly about how I was a sex machine, not a viable romantic partner. When I expressed sadness over this, he would apologize profusely, while still using me.
By the way, don?t think I forgot about Psy. During the very middle of Dave and I?s fling, I went on a road trip with my family to Minnesota. I didn?t have much access to the internet during the day, but in the evening I?d access hotel wi-fi and see what I had missed. The first night, we stop at a cozy little place in Montana. I poke my head in on Skype, and immediately Psy drags me into a group call with him and Dave. Psy was livid, screaming. ?Liz cheated on me!? He said he got into her chat logs to find her talking with Micah, someone she was friends with, about liking him, but preferring to stick with Psy. Mister Beaubien would have none of that, and dumped Liz on her ass and sent her back home from her vacation early.
Liz being out of the picture, and therefor kicked off of the comic, meant there was room for a female lead, who, surprise, was me! Psy talked about how, since I was always there and the calls were often Psy, Dave, and myself, that I was a much better candidate than Amber. Of course, I didn?t get much dialogue except for what I wrote myself. During a Livestream where Dave worked on the comic, Psy loudly and proudly pointed out that ?DAVE?S HAND IS ON HER ASS!!!!!? because he knew we were ?dating? and he, like I said, encouraged it.
Being in the comic also gave me an ?in? to color it more, which, honestly, I don?t remember how often it cycled between ?Shannon colors?, ?No wait Psy wants to color?, ?No wait it?s a pain in the ass Dave you do it?. This becomes much more relevant later, but I?m mentioning it now because this is when that whole thing started.
The entire rest of the trip was colored by Psy?s rage and sadness mixed in with Dave?s weird psuedo-caring. When I had finally gotten to Minnesota, I had no interest in cavorting about with the family (I didn?t know these people, and hey, free wi-fi!), and would just carry my laptop about listening in on calls with Psy, Dave, Filthy, Kirb, and others. During one of the days I was there, Psy poked at me telling me he loved me, and he asked if we could date. I declined due to my devotion to Dave. Psy wasn?t rude about it or anything, surprisingly, he was just like, alright, cool, whatever.
On one of the last nights of the trip, my mom was mean to me about? some shit that I don?t remember, to be honest. But, I found myself crying over it to Dave, to which he responded with by singing me a Simon and Garfunkel song about how he would always be there for me ?like a bridge over troubled water?. At the time, I was floored by this display of affection, and I grew more attached to him, only to have another fucking round of cyber sex later that night.
That was a huge reason why I, for the longest time, could not believe Dave was abusing me during the later period of knowing him. Between the long calls, the displays of affection, and my own insecurities, I could not fathom that Dave would hurt me as bad as he eventually did. It took me until mid 2013 to let go of him, and later than that to realize he was playing me like a fiddle in ways that only got more grotesque later on. I didn?t get that the ?using me for sex? was abuse, I didn?t get the microaggressions and comparisons were to keep me in line. I didn?t see the long calls as a way to keep tabs on me and to suck me away from my hobbies to focus on his existence and his existence only. I had no ability to read between the lines back then, being 16 and autistic and riddled with offline troubles. I only saw the good things he was grooming into me.
Very suddenly at the beginning of August, he called me and said he couldn?t do this anymore. He felt awful for using me for sex, and completely dropped off the relationship. I couldn?t understand?wasn?t I good enough to be his companion? I made him feel needed, didn?t I? Why wasn?t I good enough? Still, the complaining about his ex and his lackluster love life continued. It only served to make me feel really fucking worthless. As Psy?s anger over Liz and his quest for true love continued, I now felt horrendous over basically being a non-option despite how loving, caring, and committed I was to their problems and their feelings. My feelings for Psy surged back, my feelings for Dave never wavered, and I was stuck, hating myself. I was put in a position where I wanted to do anything to prove my worth.
Being hurt by Dave, I was growing closer to Psy again, like I was some sort of ball to be passed around, like, okay Psy, it?s your turn! Psy was really torn to shreds over the ?cheating? that never happened. (If a girl?s not EXCLUSIVELY into Psy?s it?s cheating, by god!) Since I already didn?t like Liz, I was supportive of him, including when he learned of Liz?s physical abuse by the guy she was with. He was happy as could be that she ?got what she had coming?, and I supported him, because how dare she cheat on him, right? This erupted into a giant fight on Livejournal, where Psy brought out the fangs, tore Filthy to shreds, and walked away feeling self-satisfied and great for bullying a mentally ill person he thought was fat and ugly.
Psy eventually fell onto a dating site, went on a few dates, and landed a girl who was totally into him. He bragged about her, was super into her for about a week, fucked her, bragged about THAT in bright rainbow letters on Livejournal, and then said it wasn?t working out, dumped her, and fell right at my doorstep. I accepted, and for the month of October in 2009, I was Psy?s gold star girl. I did everything he wanted that was within my power. I drew for him, wrote for him, showered him in praise and affection, just like he wanted.
But there was one tiny problem (if you ignore the giant problem of the ten year age gap): sex. I roleplayed too colorfully for Psy to jerk off to, and I couldn?t be sexual on call because my mom would come in and out of the room to prevent that. Psy eventually got fed up, annoyed that I sucked as fap fodder and that anime girls were much better at making him orgasm than I was. I felt awful, because there was nothing I could do but apologize profusely and try harder next time. Shortly after this though, I was dumped, because I was too young.
I was promptly tethered back into Dave?s court. I told him everything Psy said to me and how Psy treated me. He understood and while he never dared question Psy, he offered me a tiny bit of comfort while still complaining about being single, with the new added addition of getting annoyed that I was shitty at video games. I have horrible dexterity, and my brain registers images at a slightly slower rate than other people. Dave had also begun working in-house freelance jobs, and we?d resort to talking over Gmail chat, but not without Dave letting me know I was a bother by giving me one-word replies and being incredibly dismissive.
So of course I?m tethered back into Psy?s court. Week of Thanksgiving 2009, he wants to date me again. He flies to Arizona, calls me and tells me he wants to move with me there, jokes about hitting on a girl my age that was there or something, whatever. I spent most of the holiday working on GG-Guys, because Dave was doing that freelance thing. I don?t believe we engaged in anything sexual during this time, so I was dumped again and bounced back into Dave?s court to receive the same treatment as before.
You see the pattern emerging by now, I assume.
Psy?s sad and angry quest for his heartsweet continued, nothing much really happened, I don?t recall if he snagged anyone during this time, but Christmas of 2009, Psy gifted me Garry?s Mod and said he wanted to fly to a con to have sex with me this coming year. I was all for it, because, to be blunt, Psy had groomed the shit out of me with his lies, emotional tantrums, pity parties, and the occasional gift (he said he got me a shirt earlier that year but he never sent it). I was suckered so deeply into his web of complete garbage, that even his most blatant abuse and insults immediately turned into self-blame and self-hatred. Anyway, he asked to date me again on Christmas, but two days after, admitted it was a simple fling and I shouldn?t get my hopes up after I hand-wrote him a love letter.
Then 2009 ended. 2009 planted the seeds of loyalty and lies, leaving me completely groomed and willing to do whatever Psy and Dave wanted me to do. I was as loyal as I could be. I gave everything to them, and I was treated with varying levels of disrespect in return that I could not see and instead blamed myself for. 2009 built up everything, but it made sure to knock enough bricks off to where I didn?t become too cocky. They hand-built this wall of trust, and gave themselves the tools to shred it down, simply because they could. The ticking time bomb was set at the end of 2009 with Psy?s claims of me being not sexually interesting enough and Dave?s dismissal of my problems, and in 2010, it exploded.
The abuse I faced in 2010 was took two distinctly different shapes differing from before and after I got together with my now-ex boyfriend, Michael. Because of this, I?m splitting 2010 into at least two sections with two different headers.
Early 2010 began and was colored by my extreme loneliness. Having been robbed from activities I enjoyed solely to spend time with Psy and Dave, who prepped me for their love but still didn?t actually want me, I was basically left with nothing but whatever they wanted from me. I would color GG-Guys whenever I could, during school and whatnot, but Psy?s indecisiveness often robbed me from that. Psy was pursuing doing more videos, but the screaming he wanted me to do during these left me with awful headaches, so he dropped me quickly.
So, what use did I have if I couldn?t give creative input? Simple: I was continually used as a tether ball for whenever Psy wanted to mack on a girl who did nothing but praise him, and whenever Dave wanted to weave sexual tales to watch a girl squirm for his pleasure.
Psy would brag that he and his best friend Johnny would argue over who got to fuck me first when I turned 18. He dangled his lust for me in front of my face like a carrot, yanking it back up when I got too close. ?It will never work as long as you?re a kid,? he said, ?but if I saw you, I would totally rape you.? I fell for it every time, and I regretted it every time, because I knew his game and that I was stuck playing it. Dangle, yank, dangle, yank. Bet you wish you were like Jessica Elwood, huh Shannon? (She was a porn artist found out to be a huge scammer) Bet you wished you were 18 so you could finally feel worth something, huh Shannon?
Dave, meanwhile, would tease me with ideas of things he or Psy would do to me without openly expressing the desire to have me in reality. I told him everything Psy would do to me to toy with me, and he would shrug nonchalantly, claim ?that?s our Psy!?, and go on to talk about things relevant to himself, like his work, his ex, video games, or sex. Anything I tried to put in he dismissed immediately, or would tease me for, despite insisting he wanted to talk to me anyway. I was confused by his now complete lack of interest in me, and I was left just listening, or ignored while he worked.
He liked to write me stories that I had no input in, just to get me going and give me hope that he?d love me again. He wrote very explicit things about me, and about Amber (the walking pair of tits character). He would also link me to stories he liked, and would ask me to masturbate for him in various locations. I did it, because I loved him, but like Psy, he would yank the carrot away when I got too needy and too close. Dangle, yank, dangle, yank. Bet you wish you were Australian, huh Shannon? Bet you wished you were 18 so you could finally feel worth something, huh Shannon?
The constant tethering, the constant being used, the constant emotional neglect, from both of them (example: I was hacked out of my old email, and neither of them gave a single shit), made me experience a full mental collapse. I became obsessed with Dave. I scooped up all of our old chat logs and read them incessantly, wishing for the days where Dave loved me like he used to. I lived vicariously through year-old chat logs. Daily, I sat alone in school, pouring over the logs, over and over and over. I needed Dave to want me again. I needed the validation. I needed what I thought was love, but was just sex. I needed all of it. I needed his abuse.
Psy didn?t get the same treatment, because at this point, Tara had begun letting me know Psy?s dangerous side, giving me her side of the story of dealing with him, letting me know the truth of Psy?s gross lies. I wasn?t really stunned, considering I had become privy to his cat and mouse game, but I was still scared shitless of Psy and what Psy could do to me. I saw how he treated Liz, having Trunks replace her face in GG-Guys with Abraham Lincoln?s, publicly shredding her and other exes of his for his own personal gain. I wouldn?t dare cross him, but I knew deep down I wanted out.
Tara, Cory, Michael, and Cailen?s group of friends were opening countless doors for me, showing me that Psy wasn?t all he was cracked up to be, and that I could have boundless social opportunities that didn?t have Psy?s name dangling off the side like a keychain. While I met these people through Psy, none of them really liked him or Kirb (in fact we would spend hours making fun of Psy and Kirb), or any of the other cling-ons Psy?s ass dragged over. But, again, Psy had me under a firm grip due to my fear of loneliness. I couldn?t very well just bail without severe consequences, after all. I know I?m repeating myself here, but whatever. Seeds of freedom were planted in my baby brain. They even interfered in my obsession with Dave, because they could see that I was long gone mentally and needed help.
Dave, though, Dave knew I was obsessing over him, and began being more unpleasant, insulting, selfish, and dismissive. I would constantly bring up these behaviors to him, to get one-word responses and other dismissals, to which I would immediately apologize for. The curtness lead me to believe I was in the wrong. I?d stay up obnoxiously late waiting for a sliver of a chance to call Dave after he came home from work, and if I couldn?t, I cried and felt worthless. And even during those calls, Dave made sure I was firmly put in my place in the ?disinterested? pile. The want for my sexual pleasure was dead in the water now, too, because I had become insane and vindictive.
Dave would tell Psy all of these things I was saying and doing that made Dave angry. Dave had a fear of confrontation that Psy did not have, and Psy was way more than willing to put me in my place when I needed it. If I told Psy that Dave was making me upset, Psy would chime in with, yeah well, it?s because you?re a crazy bitch and a dumb cunt and need to shut up and leave him alone. Predictably, this would leave me further distraught. Nobody understood that I NEEDED Dave, not even my school friends, who were creeped out by the fact I drew him constantly. I felt like I was nothing without him. I felt lower than nothing.
The dismissals turned into flat-out ignoring with no explanation. Dave and Psy would raid in World of Warcraft for 7+ hours at a time, and if I wanted on call, they?d try to persuade me into not joining, but I didn?t care. I wanted their company. I?d try to chime in, but I was met with put-downs and dismissals at best, and was flat-out ignored at worst. I shut my mouth and colored GG-Guys for them, which they accepted without so much as a thank you. I never had felt so low before. Psy and Dave were never nice to me anymore. I was a burdensome bitch, crazy through and through, just like their exes.
I was fed up, and vented on Twitter about not being thanked or treated like a friend, but instead like a worker mule. Psy called me in a fury before I left for school, and I immediately backed down from my position. But Psy, of course, didn?t get his fill of making a 16 year old unstable girl feel worthless; he messaged me on AIM when I was in class, interrogating me about my feelings, calling them made-up bullshit illusions, called me a tyrant, and essentially pummeled me emotionally until I admitted Tara was helping me deal with him. Psy berated Tara after this, but he also continued to remind me that my problems with Dave were solely my fault because, again, crazy bitch.
My transgressions would not go without punishment. Psy threatened to remove me from the comic since it was ?such a problem?, but Dave cemented it as a real thing. He?d much rather have Amber in the comic as the lead, being Psy and Dave?s ideal, quiet, walking pair of tits girl, than me, the teenager with feelings and increased mental instabilities. I no longer had a use. To further cement my position, Psy started a new segment on Wha-CHOW called ?Let?s make a date with Dave?, to remind me that Dave did not want me, and let him chat with local girls to fulfill his desires for a girl who wasn?t young, crazy, or needy. I sat in complete silence during these parts. A few times, I just got up and left the desk for a spell.
The podcasts now had Martin (LittleKuriboh) as a regular guest. The shows became a bit more organized, or at least as much as they could be with everyone shouting obscenities over each other. I tried to be fun and interesting, and from what I was told, everyone loved me! But Psy shot me down regularly, and Dave made sure I didn?t overstep his firm boundaries.
I was trapped in a corner, and my offline life was collapsing into a heap of broken glass. I didn?t do anything for school, and I napped for long periods to avoid Psy, who I now detested, because I was convinced Psy was using Dave. In the reality, it was the other way around?Dave let Psy dish out the overt, open abuse while he sat back, smug as could be, ignoring me on text and dismissing me on call (which? he still called me for hours at a time, but less frequently).
One random day, Dave came on incredibly stoned, bragging that he had smoked a joint while the rest of the call laughed about it. I was a super straight edge kid, and I absolutely hated drugs of any kind. I expressed severe disappointment in Dave in a side text chat. Immediately, I was met with a block. Psy had to be the one to explain to me that Dave was putting me on probation for a week, and to stay the fuck away from him. This meant I wasn?t allowed in Psy?s calls either, and I was devastated. Apparently, expressing concern about drug use warranted a friendship suspension, like I was on a forum and I broke a rule. So, I found myself more often with Cailen?s group, as I said before, but it was almost daily now, as I had no real choice.
If I wasn?t with Cailen and his rag-tag team, I was with Cory and Michael (and occasionally Tara). Those two fuckers made me laugh for honest to god hours, and Michael was so charming that I began to fantasize about him instead of Psy or Dave. I was finally escaping their grooming after their daily mistreatment of me, since I learned that they, especially Psy, were not very nice people. (I still had faith in Dave, but whatever.) Cory knew that I liked Michael, and that Michael liked me, so he slowly nudged the two of us together until one night where I finally confessed. Michael accepted, and we began dating.
While we?re not together now, I am very glad that I experienced this relationship, but I am not glad for the consequences I faced for being in it from the men who clamored for a chance at my now 17-year old body.
The new chapter of my life, literally the day I turn 17, opens with me excitedly posting on Livejournal about how happy I am and Psy immediately interrogating me as to why. I don?t want to divulge information on the new relationship, in case Michael backs out or changes his mind, but Psy is pissed because ?Cory and Tara know but I DON?T!? and ?We had cyber sex the other day, does your BOYFRIEND know about that?!? (we did cyber, because Psy pressured me into it.) I cave in and admit it to him, but ask him not to tell anyone. He suddenly forgets how to read, and tells Kirb and Dave.
Kirb calls me up, screaming at me about it in disbelief but also in anger because he buys into Psy and Dave?s stories about me being toxic. He also calls Michael to warn him about me, which Michael dismissed because that?s kind of what you have to do with Kirb. Dave pesters me with questions, but otherwise seems relieved, probably because I wouldn?t be barking up his tree anymore. Otherwise, the Psy group basically becomes irrelevant to me, and at this point I attempt my escape.
I write a poem about Psy, and block him from everything. I think I ended up blocking Dave too, but the circumstances of us cutting each other off is kind of foggy to me. Psy is fucking livid, writes a poem about murdering me, writes a sad sappy email to win me back, and it devolves into jokes and we?re friends again within 48 hours. Dave took a bit more time; I was still out of calls with Psy partially due to that but mostly for my own volition. Eventually, Psy gets back with Liz, Dave and I are talking again, and for once, everything is okay.
Summer passes with everything being relatively normal. We all sit on calls together having fun, Psy and Liz get in their fights, Dave and I actually talk like friends and not like ?adult man attempting to groom little girl?, things are okay. Dave still tries to talk to me sexually, but I halt that out of discomfort, and because Michael and I?s relationship is decidedly not sexual. Dave begrudgingly agrees to stop, thankfully. This was a very high period in 2010, because the only people who fought were Psy and Liz.
Speaking of which, they visit my house at one point. We go to the mall, and Psy asks me over pizza if I hate him. Like he asks me directly to my face? And of course I say no, because things were going very well! Liz and I chat and get along, Psy doesn?t try anything funky on me (he could have easily overpowered me, I was frail and he was a massive tank of a human being), we return to my place. My brother and my childhood friend (who were dating) chatted with Liz about cars, and since the topic is not on him, Psy is clearly bored. We go inside, I show them my room and my various knick-knacks (I was not yet a plush collector), including a poem Michael wrote for me. But before we go into my room, Psy, who hates my brother, goes to mess up his bed. He runs out giggling like a little girl. They leave without much fanfare.
Liz?s car wreck happens, she gets into a fight with her dad, and we talk to her while she?s isolated outside of her father?s home with a cat covered in Febreeze. We comfort her late into the night until the cops show up. Like, I stay up way past the point of me dozing off, because I was scared for Liz. I actually had grown to like her by now, because she was treating me like a human being! We had in-jokes (especially about the car and my wisdom teeth being removed), it was pretty great. She moves out from Washington, goes back to her mother?s, gets a job at Party City (someone please tell me why I remember that) and saves up to go down to Psy. Dave and I get along, Michael and I?s relationship blossoms. Everything is hunky dory, and we?re all still friends yay.
Liz moving in with Psy is when the tables began to shift. We are all very happy for them finally getting their shit in order, but for some reason, they are becoming more hostile towards me for reasons I don?t recall. I vent about it through song lyrics on Twitter, because I was listening to Attack Attack during gym class and I was digging the lyrics. Psy takes this as a personal affront, tells me to fuck myself, and blocks me. Liz gives me a chance, but her final straw was me supporting Allison, who she hated. I was blocked by not just her after that, but Dave and the rest of the Wha-CHOW crew. Only Michael, Cory, and Tara stuck around.
Liz becomes absolutely vicious. I have no safe spaces without her finding out about them. Her friend Zack outs my private tweets to her, and I?m forced to flee from account to account to dodge Liz, who ALWAYS found me, ALWAYS linked my accounts to Twitter, ALWAYS tore apart everything I said to make me look crazy. Psy supported her by replying all giddy over the mockings, as well as sending me another not very subtle death threat. He didn?t need to do much, he just let Liz run loose and tear apart what little I had. I cried nightly, begging someone to do something, but nobody wanted their ire. Be the bigger man, Shannon. It will all pass.
Those three months, October to December, left me a smouldering wreck. Michael had to comfort me nightly, hating having to see me cry. Cory and Tara would stop me from doing anything regretful and stupid. My brother and his friend hack into Psy?s accounts and change the passwords. Things get messy. The harassment constantly ramps up on Liz?s end, with her claiming that if I just shut the fuck up, they?d go away. My profile photos are edited into obscene things, and my private galleries are found and shared around. I couldn?t do ANYTHING without Psy, Liz, and Zack?s noses sniffing my trail.
The only thing that got the harassment to stop was Liz burning herself out and no longer seeing a point to bothering me. Begrudgingly, Psy and Liz let me be their friend again. They shittalk me constantly behind my back, and judged me when I would do something silly, but honestly, I was just glad the up-front harassment had stopped. I was getting a mental reprieve I desperately needed. Dave talks to me all of once during that time, but after that, ignores my existence.
2010 ends, and I am a shambling wreck of a person.
2011 starts similarly to 2009. Liz is dumped for the same reason she was the last time, but this time, I decide to cut off Psy to support Liz, despite the fact Liz was the one who openly harassed me. Tara and I often spend time with Liz while she lives with Micah and deals with his abuse, and we discussed the various things Psy would and had pulled. I believe Kirb and Audrey broke up at around this time, too, so for a long time, the calls were Michael, Cory, Tara, Audrey, and myself, all of us avoiding Psy being a piece of shit who was mad about us siding with Liz once he fucked up her life. At this time, I begin recording all of my Skype calls.
I think this was around the time Dave sent me that email calling me a psychotic bitch saying I made up problems, which was the only time he EVER lashed out at me and didn?t just make Psy do it. It was definitely before Psy and Liz?s breakup, because I tell them that Dave is uncomfortable with me, and I choose to avoid him for his comfort. The email was sent to me because I called him out on the fact he was doing nothing but being rude and snide towards me. Like I said, he gave me this long rant about how I?m a psychotic bitch that invents problems out of thin air and ruins everything for everyone and I should go fuck myself. I told him I was sorry he felt that way and deleted the email, per Tara and Cory?s advice.
2011 is incredibly jumbled for me, because few events were very concrete. Psy and Dave were largely non-issues, aside from the fact that they stalked me and would jump on any mention of their names. The big bad of 2011 was Kirb, who was constantly scratching at Audrey?s door, begging for her to come back. I often protected Audrey from Kirb?s incessant whining. Kirb would call me specifically to whine. We all made alt Skypes to avoid him, because he was becoming that fucking annoying to deal with. He, of course, caught wind of it, and became whiny, indignant, depressed, and, as usual, REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.
I?m not sure where to place a lot of those events, but one I do remember is summer of 2011, with Michael and I seeing each other in person and going to Disney World. We hang out with Kirb and Mike Luckas a few times. Kirb mentions Psy has a new girl named Gabby, who I had heard about after Psy had openly made a call for a new girl to join Wha-CHOW. She?s several months my junior, and she acts exactly like how I was before Psy and Dave shredded me. She remains firmly attached to Psy?s side, effectively serving as a replacement of me. We got along when we did talk, but for the most part, she was largely nonexistent in my life and I really didn?t like her.
The only times I hear about Psy beyond that are when Psy is knocking down Liz?s door trying to get back with her, or when the 4chan thread happened where I tore Psy a new asshole. Liz chooses to move with Tara and establish something with Kirb instead of bothering with Psy, and somewhere at around this point, Liz and I stop talking? Probably because of Kirb? Again, it?s vague in my mind, but my contact with Tara becomes more limited. Liz never once thanks me for supporting her, for the gifts Michael and I gave her, or the fact I helped convinced her to bail from Micah. We just stop talking for some inane reason. It may have had to do with Psy? One of those two.
It doesn?t last too long, and after Youmacon 2011, I beg all of them to let me talk to them again. The con seemed so nice, I missed the camaraderie, because I had very few people to talk to. Loneliness and the need for a group setting is a huge problem for me, and it causes me to make terrible decisions like this. We all buddy up again, Liz declares me her ?moirail? a la Homestuck, things are okay. 2011 ends uneventfully.
2012 starts with me gaining an interest in social activism and feminism. The things I went through opened my eyes to the world?s injustices. Psy and his crew couldn?t stand this. I had some friends who agreed with me, but most of them just wanted me to stop being an SJW. To make an example of me and why being an SJW was bad, I was forced onto a Wha-CHOW episode solely so Psy, Martin, and others could screech at me for believing Derpy Hooves was portrayed in a horribly ableist light. I left the call halfway through.
That?s when I found my saving grace. Kumamon falls face-first into my life, and for the first time in a long time, I love something that is truly mine. Everything becomes Kumamon. I drop out of online high school and get my GED then too, because I was already in high school for four years and being held back was annoying. The only things keeping me sane are Michael and Kumamon.
But, I want to move in with Michael. I was 18, lonely, and impulsive, and I didn?t understand this was a bad idea. Liz begs me not to make the same choices she did, and Tara backs her up. I mean, they weren?t wrong, moving in with Michael was an awful idea, because of his abusive sister and his mother who disliked me, but I wanted love so bad that I went through with it anyway. Everyone in Psy?s inner and outer circles judged me harshly, which I didn?t really get. Didn?t they want me to be happy?
Many of these people eventually unfollow me because Kumamon annoyed them so goddamn much that they felt they had no choice. Since I wasn?t flipping out about ponies or TOME, I didn?t really need to exist to them anymore. But that?s okay?people are befriending me in droves because I loved Kumamon and other gotochi chara. I had back-up! Michael got me a Kumamon plush, and I would bring him with me absolutely everywhere. Kirb would judge me harshly for this, calling me a child and chiding me for being ?socially inappropriate?. Nevermind that waitresses, store clerks, and kids absolutely loved Kumamon and smiled, waved, and laughed with him. I was bad because I was collecting toys and being fiscally irresponsible!!!!
Psy?s crew is largely absent when I make a snide remark about Psy using popular voice actors for his own gain. Liz is the first to swarm in and harass me openly for insulting Psy?s charitable donations that got him those voice clips. Psy makes a minor stink about the whole thing, trying and failing to reason with me. I reply exclusively with Kumamon photos. My new friends sneer and laugh at these immature train-wrecks. I am immune to any harm.
Then Kirb calls me on my cell phone, telling me that everyone I love hates me (like Audrey and Tara and Cory), that I need to shape up, and that I am a bad, horrible, annoying person. Michael has to hold me down to prevent me from harming myself. Once I?ve calmed, Michael calls Kirb in a rage so potent that he is foaming at the mouth literally. Kirb is all over himself apologizing, but the damage is done?we have to skip out on the student film festival because Kirb would be there, and Michael didn?t want me to fall into another suicidal fit.
Michael and I road trip back to my house, and it was the most fun I?d had in ages. My plush collection really began to take shape! At this point, Kumamon was my entire world, but even still, symptoms of PTSD were forming big time. I would have bursts of depression and mental instability, and my new friends no longer wanted to deal with those. I was left with not much of anything yet again, but soon enough more people gravitated towards me for the big bear and stayed for my good traits.
But, I could not stop thinking about the trauma that had occurred. It wouldn?t stop. It still hasn?t really stopped. I blamed Psy for using Dave, I blamed myself for hurting Dave. I tried to reach out, apologizing profusely to Dave for hurting him. He replied dismissively, then two months later (?) told me to get over it. Sure, Dave, that makes a whole lot of fucking sense. I try to reconnect, but Dave doesn?t reply again.
I tell my friends what Psy put me through, and they try to call him out to protect me. Liz, again, is the first one to jump in, being snide and crude at calling me a liar. Psy issues his first cease and desist when I refused to take down the posts. I replied with a picture of Unagappa with his head cocked to the side. Zack creates an account on Tumblr to harass me, and Psy takes down his LJ after finding me poking around in it for evidence. Dozens of lawsuit jokes later, Psy and his group get bored of us and move on.
Michael moves into my home for three months due to family abuse and a desire to move down to California for work. For a time we stay in separate rooms, but eventually join into one room together. Kirb, during this time, comes after me to express anger at my actions and makes me feel like garbage because Michael won?t talk to him. For the rest of the year, we try to avoid anything relating to Fireball20xl. It worked, thankfully.
When 2013 began, I became desperate once more for Dave?s attention. I begged Cory to get him in touch with me, and I sent several emails, each one going unreplied to, and Liz sneering openly at my attempts. She does little things to bait me here and there, but nothing was too successful.
After that, 2013 was mostly me avoiding Psy and Dave. I became employed, was formally diagnosed with PTSD, hung out with Game Grumps fans, and reconnected to Twitter. Aside from me talking about my abuse to others, Psy and Dave were non-issues. Mid-2013 saw me reconnecting with Tara, Kirb, and Liz, which resulted in lots of buritto jokes about Psy (he sometimes would eat leftover Taco Bell, no joke. I get that if you?re poor, but when you?re rolling in the dough like Psy, that?s entirely not needed). None of them were talking to Psy because Psy openly cheated on Gabby, Tara collected the evidence by egging him on, and Gabby refused to believe any of it. I was impressed, but glad that they got out.
I?d sit in calls with Tara?s group of friends, who were pretty iffy about me because I hadn?t socialized in a long time and was loud, obnoxious, and over-sharey as hell. Kirb wanted in on these calls because I was there, but nobody wanted him around. I became a TERF, much to my regret, as something to help cope with the abuse (you know, by blaming anything that had a penis). The only good thing I get out of it is a book about abuse that dissected why men abused, what it looked like, and what to do about it. I felt more equipped than ever to handle anything new from Psy or Dave.
The TERF group eventually abandoned me because I had a boyfriend. With the knowledge about abuse I gained, however, I wrote the original callout post as something to pass along to friends to make sure Psy nor Dave abused them like they did me. It was clunky, and not proofread or well formatted at all, but it had a plethora of evidence?enough to paint Psy and Dave in bad lights, and that was before I found my old hacked email account. I ended up befriending Slowbeef and entering the Something Awful LP community around this time, and I passed on my post to a few friends I had made so they could laugh at Psy. One of them made dramatic recordings of Psy?s abberuin poems, it was pretty great.
After Elliot Rogers killed multiple women in an MRA fit of dick rage (rest in peace to the beautiful souls who died), #YesAllWomen was a hashtag that started. Tara and several others talked about the abuse that they faced. I mentioned Psy at a point to someone, and Psy stepped in like UHHHHHHH THERES NO CONTEXT LOL!!!!!! (the contest being that I deserved it of course) I reposted my callout again, because it began gaining traction. Tara hammered the first big nail that caused the post to skyrocket, and Liz sealed the deal.
Psy?s countless victims, many who I had not heard from in YEARS, spoke out against him. People who worked with him shut him out of their projects and openly protested against him and Dave. We made the callout masterpost and callout blog, and DJB and I made a video discussing the callout over one of Psy?s shitting LPs. Psy filed a copyright claim that DJB protested against, which caused Psy to cower, issue out a fake apology, and delete every shred of evidence he could find. Tara, however, was quicker than Psy at collecting everything, bless her heart.
Psychedelic Eyeball also made a video doing a dramatic reading of Psy praising the fact Liz got beaten. This video caused a lot of people to follow me, and I made many friends, and I was fucking floored by the support now. Dave didn?t get as much attention, as he hid comments, which ultimately benefited him, since I was a voice of one vs Psy?s victims, the voices of many. Psy and Dave would attempt to stalk all of us, but often screwed up and we sent them running quite frequently.
Tara, Liz, Lauren (another victim), myself, and Ekoi formed a chat to discuss further plans on how to handle Psy and Dave. Liz cooperated excellently at first, until Kirb and Martin got involved. Kirb had called me and claimed the callout was gossip, but once he commented on ANOTHER callout in the animation industry that he had no involvement in, we were up his ass. Liz disapproved too, but she didn?t like the methods we used to express this. We added Madison to the chat, who was deeply hurt by Martin and passed off to Psy to be abused. We helped her with a lot of things, but Liz thought Madison was an attention whore and that Martin wasn?t a problem.
Liz left the chat, but we dragged her back in once she recovered from her little meltdown. After this, Liz attempted to interfere with anything we did to try to gain the upper hand. When Psy slammed us with his cease and desist letters, and Dave slammed me with one as well, Liz tried to weasel out of the callout for her own safety and look out for her own ass. She began defending Kirb and Martin at every turn, and almost sabotaged us several times legally. Liz said mental health was the reason, which I understand, but it was the same reasons she used to regularly bully me for, so I would have none of that.
Everything came to a head when Psy deleted his accounts ?for the sake of his victims? and vamoosed. Lauren left the chat since she felt her services were no longer needed. We turned our focus to Martin and Kirb for a time, which caused Liz to explode in a giant fucking fit. I did agree with her at a point that Kirb wasn?t the issue, but I realized she was wrong and I changed my mind, and I told her as such. Liz didn?t like that, called me a cunt, verbally shredded DJB (who just kinda laughed at it), and blocked everyone.
Psy attempted once more to try to come back, mostly by apologizing. Liz forgave him to shut him up, but Tara and I dug deeper and took apart his lies right in front of his face. Ohhh he hated that. He did everything he could to maintain the wounded gazelle image, but his abusiveness slipped through anyway, causing us to eventually give up and ignore him. He would never BE sorry, so who gives a fuck. Gabby also dumps him within this timeframe, apologizing to us and saying we were in the right. I apologize back for being harsh to her.
Things were quiet until Dave?s C&D expired. I had sent his lawyer evidence, and his lawyer determined the case would be much too pricey for Dave because of the foreign aspect. (It would only have cost him if he lost.) Dave wrote a post claiming that the ?accusations? were false, that he never dated me (which was true but not the whole truth). His mother steps in, verbally harassing me over Twitter and getting the rest of the family to join in. Dave refuses to speak directly to me, only speaking to those who confront him. He wildly flip-flops from claiming I lied to claiming I deserved it or it wasn?t illegal. He cracks jokes about it, puts on a smug face to DJB, and tries to act smarmy to Tara about the fact they used to be friends. I slapped that all together in a Storify and Dave has not spoken to me since.
Psy, on the other hand, returns as BitPolarGame. We spread the warnings about this as far as we could. Psy stops apologizing at this point, instead choosing to claim that all 20+ of us are lying bitches. DJB and I post a new video warning about BitPolar too, and Psy has a fucking cow. He makes this big TwitLonger about how I?m basically bullying him into committing suicide, which I shut down. Psy does not speak to me directly after this.
Thanks to my mental illnesses being taken advantage of by DJB, I end up losing a huge portion of my support network that I gained from the callout. DJB ends up using me in a similar manner to both Psy and Dave, by begging me to be sexual, and using me as more of a tool to fuel his own ego than anything else. He increased my paranoia tenfold and claimed it was for my own good. He wasn?t the only person I tried to pursue at this time who ended up abusing me, and my want for an open relationship, amongst other things, ended my relationship with Michael. This is all thanks to behaviors Psy and Dave groomed into me, which I am now thankfully unlearning.
One of the last times Psy and Dave became an issue was when Markiplier followed them both on Twitter. I made a post that spread pretty far, and through a friend of a friend of Mark?s, we manage to get the word to him, and Mark unfollows them. Psy continues to try to get the attention of big name Youtube stars, and attempts to groom several girls into pitying him by showing them the callout, to milk our pain for attention. Once that didn?t work, we assume he hounded Tumblr to delete the callout, because the blog itself is gone. Class act.
Meanwhile, Dave decides to hit up conventions in the US instead. Dave mocks the fact he ended up on a mass callout list for terrible artists, claiming that pedophilia and rape is on the same level as ?being smelly?, which? What? More supporters of him come out of the woodwork to harass me, and at this point, I?m tired. I genuinely wish he?d take the hint and go away.
My saga with Psy and Dave will hopefully end sooner rather than later. If I never have to see their names again, if they went away and stopped trying to clamor for internet fame for good, maybe for once, I could get a good night?s sleep. I expect a few more big bangs before anything truly goes away. I guess all one can do is wait.