By Rachel Vandersluis
Ah, Lorelai Leigh Gilmore. Or as most of us know her, Rory. Alexis Bledel?s doe-eyed, bookworm daughter who follows Lauren Graham?s coffee-addicted, emotionally unavailable Lorelai Gilmore where she leads. For much of the seven-season run of Gilmore Girls (and Netflix spinoff Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life), Rory is painted as the ?Great White Hope? (yeah, Lorelai actually said that once) of the Gilmore clan- bright, endearing, and lovable. But I?m here to tell you that Rory Gilmore actually kind of sucks, and I have the proof to back it up. Warning- spoilers for both runs of Gilmore Girls lie ahead.
1. SHE WAS LIKE, SO AWKWARD
How many times are we reminded by Lorelai, Richard, Emily, Christopher, every citizen of Star?s Hollow, and the legions of hot guys that are trying to date her that Rory is ?lovely? and ?charming?? I?m sorry, but I make more eye contact with my driver on a sober solo Uber ride than Rory does with literally anybody. Between the darting eyes, obscure pop culture references and almost constantly crossed arms, I can?t help but think ? huh?
Examples abound ? from saying ?Thank you? and promptly running away after Dean kissed her for the first time, to coming onto Logan after Emily and Richard?s vow renewal in her ?best man? pantsuit, to even the way she kisses this damn baby.
Oh, honey. We know. It just goes to show that good looks will take you everywhere.
2. SHE DOESN?T KNOW THE VALUE OF REAL WORK
Sure she brings entire libraries to every interview or meeting she?s ever been to and the workload at Chilton was a literal human rights violation, but we know those hands have never seen any REAL kind of labour, aside from garbage picking during her court-mandated community service sentence (we?ll get to THAT later) and using the fuzzy pink hammer that one time she blew off Dean to boost her resume for Harvard.
Pretty much every job she?s had she?s gotten through someone else- Lorelai gave her a job helping out at the inn, Logan got her the infamous newspaper job with Mitchum Huntzberger, even Emily gave her a job with the Aspiring Barbara Walters Club (I know it?s actually Daughters of the Revolution or something, but I like to think this is a more accurate description).
To all the people who have gotten jobs through family and friends, please don?t @ me. Of course your network is one of your most valuable tools for finding a job, it?s not what you know it?s who you know, blah blah blah. I?m just pointing out that Rory didn?t have to work that hard to find a job, yet we?re always bombarded with how she?s such a hard worker and how she?s earned each of her successes. I would have really like to see Rory pay her dues like Lorelai and the rest of us. Call me when you?ve also had some mom yell at you to clean up her kid?s barf in a crowded department store during holiday season. THEN we can talk about earning your success.
3. THAT HAIRCUT
In Season 4, Rory made a bold move that shook us all- THIS haircut. Unaccompanied by any major emotional event, there seems to be no reasoning for this new ?do, and it raises a lot of questions, namely- WHY?
*Raise your hand if this also makes you incredibly uncomfortable*.
5. THE MELTDOWN
Lest we forget the moment Rory truly started to spiral, which was when she stole a boat with Logan- causing her to get arrested, drop out of school, stop talking to Lorelai, and become a total degenerate move into Richard and Emily?s poolhouse. All because Mitchum Huntzberger told her she didn?t have the ?it? needed to make it as a journalist. Okay, sure everyone in their 20?s has an existential crisis, but this whole saga seemed way too out of character. Does anyone else find it odd that she would immediately shut out Lorelai, the voice of reason, to whom she is so attached to the hip that she had to hold her hand the first night she was away at university (which was literally a Friends episode drive away) without taking her opinion into consideration?
For someone who is so ?responsible? and ?smart? she sure is fragile. And she so willingly allowed Emily to baby her when she moved in the sex house pool house, which leads me to my next point?
6. SHE WAS SUCH A B TO EMILY WHEN SHE MOVED OUT OF THE POOL HOUSE
It was pretty clear that it was Emily?s dream come true to have Rory move in and be the daughter she wish she had. Though her intentions were pure, she totally spoiled her, and became a hovercraft mom. And though it was about damn time that Rory finally left when she did, she was so snappy to Emily. Excuse me?! Like she didn?t take in your felon, drop-out a** in when Lorelai wouldn?t, give you banquet-like meals, and had you waited on hand and foot?
7. LITERALLY EVERYTHING SHE DID IN GILMORE GIRLS: YEAR IN THE LIFE REBOOT
From the very first episode in the OG series, Lorelai had made it clear that she would raise Rory to not make her mistakes- ie. get into a good school, get a good job, and have a stable relationship and not get stuck raising a child alone. And what is she doing, nearly a decade from where the series left off? She?s still somehow floundering for a job years out of her Ivy League degree (which like, how?), is having ANOTHER affair with a former flame who is taken (read: Logan, engaged), and doesn?t even have a place to live.
And what are the highly anticipated final four words that creator Amy Sherman-Palladino had determined from the show?s beginning?
So to conclude, Rory was literally spoonfed all of the tools succeed, only to decide ?you know what, nah, I?m not gonna do that?. After all those years of Lorelai doing her damndest- the Friday night dinners, the thousands and thousands of dollars from her rich relatives (read: Richard and Emily, Christopher?s inheritance) wasted on her education, the high school valedictorian speech that weirdly kind of sounded like a eulogy to her mom, Rory REFUSES to be successful. Even Jess managed to turn his life around in this timeframe (no offense to Team Jess members, but he was a little sh*t in the original run). And for all of these reasons, Rory Gilmore was actually the worst.
Read it and weep, girl.