I?m sure your Instagram Stories have been filled with friends boasting about finally learning how to bake, becoming fluent in a foreign language, or getting into jigsaw puzzles. I know mine have. With all these new adjustments we?re having to make, like staying indoors and spending time alone, we?ve found ourselves unable to say, ?I just don?t have the time to learn something new!? Butt of course, I have something else in mind for you?
Fuck puzzles! Why not take this time to learn how to bottom? And if you?ve absolutely ruled that out, why not perfect your topping skills?
The non-bottoms I see in my office generally fall into a few categories:
- They had a bad experience (or two) with a top who didn?t know what they were doing, like using spit as lube or starting off in kama sutra positions.
- They tried bottoming without preparing first (i.e. they went from zero to 8?) and felt immediate pain and/or suffered an injury, like an anal tear (called a fissure).
- They have an underlying condition that?s legitimately preventing them from being able to bottom and should be evaluated by a professional, especially if they really do want to try bottoming. Of course, there are tons of options available to all of us.
Can you really blame any of these people from not wanting to bottom ever again?
But let?s focus on the first two today. If you follow me and my work, either through Bespoke Surgical or Future Method you know that I frequently share my guide for the first time bottom, promising that if you follow my steps correctly, bottoming should be a pain-free experience. Oh, and achieving a prostatic orgasm can make you see stars. It?s just that good. There?s a reason why I?m always promoting this guide: most of us were never taught the right way to bottom. We are totally clueless and our education to boot has been completely inadequate. No one told us that bottoming took practice and patience. That you (or more so your top) couldn?t just dive right in. That some lubes are better than others for anal. And that there is a science to douching.
I may be biased, but my tips are fairly simple. The only caveat: my anal dilation protocol takes 4?6 weeks to go from top to bottom. You?re probably thinking: who the fuck has that kind of time?! Well, as I said before: now, we all do. So, if you?ve previously found yourself pushing this off until the ?right time?, now is that time. Are you ready?
- Invest in a proper anal dilation/plug kit with 3 graduated sizes, like this one, as well as some high quality water-based lube, like this one that won?t dry out my anal canal (stay tuned ? the Bespoke Surgical online store is launching soon!). Plan on setting aside 3?5 minutes on 2?3 days each week for your dilation exercises. Some people prefer doing it in their usual habitat (like in bed), but I recommend doing it in the shower ? the warm water helps with relaxation and it makes for easy cleanup!
- When it?s time to use your kit, makes sure you have tons of lube and start with the smallest dilator. Apply the lube to both your toy and your ass. Try pushing the plug into your hole until you feel pressure from the muscles in your ass. Once you hit resistance, stop and hold it there for three seconds. A helpful tip: playing with yourself while doing your workout is a great idea because it helps you learn to control your pelvic floor.
- Try to consciously relax to allow the plug inside of you and then slowly remove the plug once you hit resistance ? all in one continuous motion. I find that deep, Yoga breathing really helps relax your sphincters. Once removed, see #4.
- Add more lube and then insert again with a similar technique of slowly pushing in and then slowly pulling out once you meet resistance. Three tips: (1) you may feel initial discomfort, but it shouldn?t be painful; (2) most people need to repeat these steps 4?6 times before they?re able to get the plug inside their hole; (3) don?t let your ass swallow the entire plug ? only go up to where the neck starts. Sometimes it?s hard to remove the toy and, for beginners, leaving the plug fully inside is not necessary.
- You?ll want to repeat all these steps 12?15 times per set and perform two sets in each session. If at any point your hole has had enough, don?t worry ? stop and try again another day. And if you want to get off while exercising your hole, go for it!
The rest of the protocol is as follows:
1. Use the small plug for two weeks ? even if you feel like you can take bigger. The purpose is to strengthen the skin during stretching and also allow the muscle memory to start understanding relaxation. Then, use both the small and medium plugs for the following two weeks, always starting with the small one. After that, add the large plug for the final two weeks.
2. The large is quite large, so depending on the size of your top, you may be ready for the real thing once you?ve conquered the medium plug.
3. Another great tip: if you know your top is extra girthy, has a bigger-than-average head, or is thin and long, try to find a toy that replicates their anatomy. That way, you can actually simulate the real thing when you?re practicing on your own, always starting with the above butt plugs first. Some couples even buy those kits where you can create your own dildos using your penis as a mold.
4. If you are quarantined with a sexual partner, you can definitely start testing your skills after the medium plug is successfully taken. We always recommend using the toys before you engage and then not only choosing a position in which you are in control, but also one that is not submissive. The best way to achieve this is with you on top. If you are not living with others, please continue the toy protocol and keep up until we are all fully liberated.
The more experienced you get, the longer you?ll be able to play without any discomfort. You?ll notice everything relaxes over time ? gradual progression is key. The other aspect of bottoming is being in the right head space. You?d be surprised how much psychology plays into the pain and pleasure you experience while getting fucked. When you?re by yourself, I urge you to explore and listen to your body and take note of what works and what doesn?t. That way, when you?re ready for the real thing, you can be truly present with your partner and share what you?ve learned with them so that they can help hit all the right buttons, while avoiding all the wrong ones.
I briefly mentioned at the beginning of this post that if bottoming is simply not on your wish list, it may be time to check in and evaluate yourself as a top. I recently put together an informative piece called How to Top Guide: 8 Tips to Be a Better Top. Over the years, I?ve gotten a lot of messages from bottoms who wish their top understood them better and from tops who want to up their game, so I decided to finally put pen to paper and share more than just the tip(s).
Some people are saying we will emerge with a lot of pregnancies, others are saying more divorces, but I?m predicting a lot more bottoms and vers guys. Take this time to focus on self care because when you satisfy your sexual self, your mental health is bound to benefit as well. And in 4?6 weeks, you?ll either say to yourself, ?I can?t believe I wasted all this time training to be a bottom? or ?I can?t believe I wasted all this time not being a bottom.? Either way, you got off while you couldn?t get outside!
Throughout this process, if you feel as though you continue to hit barriers, please send us a DM or make an appointment to see us. The best approach is to make sure there is not an anatomical restriction. A full physician?s exam in and out via an anoscope may be warranted, which will allow an understanding of the surrounding skin and underlying muscle.
There is a science to bottoming and now that you are in the know, stick it up your ass and give it a go.
Lastly, a quick tip for those who are already seasoned bottoms: keep up the dilating and practice when you can?t sit on the big D. A muscle is a muscle and your sphincter will normally go back into tight contraction mode if you don?t continue to exercise it. So if you aren?t able to ride regularly, then follow the above protocols until you?re back to getting pounded. ?
Don?t forget to stay in touch on Instagram: me and Bespoke Surgical.