Think physical attraction comes down to looks alone? You might want to think again.
Photo by Hian Oliveira on Unsplash
by: E.B. Johnson
A big part of relationships is attraction, but being attracted to someone runs so much further than just skin-deep. Being truly attracted to someone requires taking a deeper look at who they are and what they want from this life. When we?re truly drawn to someone, we connect with them and see past their faults. It means making touch with their meaning and the values that align them with us and the paths we?re taking.
We can make ourselves more attractive partners by simply learning how to be better versions of ourselves. True attraction doesn?t just require physical lust. It also requires non-sexual attraction and it requires having really similar interests, personalities and ultimate goals in this life. Whether you?re still looking for the one, or you just want to reinvgorate that spark of a dormant partnership ? building better relationships always asks us to make more out of ourselves.
The role of attraction in our romantic relationships.
Attraction plays a key role in our relationships, and a key role in helping us to overcome romantic adversity. When we?re attracted to our partners, we?re more likely to look past shortcomings and we?re more likely reach for compromise when conflict runs high. It?s a bonding factor, but it extends far past our physical reflections into the core of who we are and what we want.
If we want to bring attractive partners into our lives (or reaffirm the attraction we once felt for our longterm partners) we have to make ourselves more attractive partners. This takes confronting our demons, and it also takes getting honest about who we are and what we want.
Make yourself more attractive by cultivating confidence, living with integrity and finding that authenticity that helps you stake out your claim in this life. When we make ourselves better people, we bring better people into our lives ? drastically improving our experiences within those relationships and within our lives in general. Partnerships can offer a true depth and joy to our time here on this planet, but building them requires knowing ourselves and having the courage to stand first on our own.
The foundations of physical attraction.
There are 5 general foundations when it comes to authentic and genuine attraction. Rather than just lusting after someone?s body, true attraction occurs when we?re drawn to their beauty, the way that arouse us non-sexually, as well as their physical proximity and personal similarities.
Average proximity
Though it?s not the most romantic factoid, proximity has great deal to do with the level of attraction that we feel. The more often we are exposed to one another in neutral environments, the more likely it is that we will feel attracted to someone. It?s the mere exposure effect, and though it signals that you are more likely to become attracted to someone ? it?s not enough on its own to guarantee that initial spark.
Beauty
Beauty is another part of the attraction puzzle, but it extends far past our outward exterior and extends deep into the less tangible parts of our personalities. Classical outer beauty can draw us in (whatever that definition might mean to us) but a beautiful way of seeing the world, or a beautiful and optimistic spirit will also go a long way to captivate a potential partner.
First crush
Ever found out that an unexpected someone was attracted to you? Did you did find that you were starting to see them as a more enticing option? When someone is attracted to your first, you are actually more likely to then reciprocate their feelings. A lot of this has to do with ego, and a feeling of being flattered, but that can also be followed by genuine interest or seeing the person in a different light.
Arousal
Attraction ? at its core ? is arousal, but that isn?t always a sexual thing. Non-sexual arousal is a critical part of attraction, and its more akin to brain stimulation than anything else. Someone who arouses us non-sexually is someone who inspires us or motivates us; someone who elicits emotions from us or draws us in with their personality, drive and charisma.
Personal similarities
Personal similarities play a big part in the physical attraction we feel for a potential partner or spouse. This is not to say, however, that this is limited to things like having the same favorite color or place to eat out. Truly personal similarities are transcendent, and include things like your overall life goals, matched ambitions, and desire for life. The more aligned your true selves and higher desires are, the more likely you are to be attracted to one another.
What happens when we force attraction.
When we force a relationship without these cornerstones attractions, it can have some truly devastating consequences. Relationships devoid of attraction are relationships fraught with tension, resentment and even conflict ? creating patterns of darkness that push both partners further and further away from their ultimate truths and opportunties.
Resentment
When we force a relationship with someone we aren?t attracted to, one of the first side-effects is the building up of resentment. Though you might care deeply for the other person, you can?t help but imagine what else you might have enjoyed. Little by little, you come to see them as the stumbling block to your real desires, and they too will come to resent you from the growing distance they sense.
Disillusionment
Disillusionment is one of the most common side-effects of forcing attraction, and it?s one of the most toxic things that can occur in any relationship. When we become disillusioned with our partners, we become disappointed in them and in our relationships in general. We pull away and become jaded by the fact that we?re constantly disappointed or let down in what our partner doesn?t provide to us.
Conflict
Because resentment rides so high in relationships that lack genuine attraction, they often suffer from increased conflict, or explosive disagreements that drive partners further and further away from one another. Attraction helps us to bridge the gap between differences, but without that neither party is as likely to compromise.
Wandering hearts
Physical attraction is an extremely important part of any relationship, but without it we can find our eyes and our hearts wandering. As much as we might love someone, we have needs that must be met. When we don?t address those needs, and create relationships (and internal selves) that meet those needs we will subconsciously look for it elsewhere. This leads to emotional and physical affairs that ruin lives and destroy partnerships.
Loss of trust
Failing to build suitable and satisfying relationships can lead to a lot of trouble in our lives and, perhaps, chief among those troubles is a loss of trust. When you don?t create satisfying relationships you doubt yourself and you doubt your partner. You come to lose trust in your ability to do the right thing and make the right choices, and you may even come to believe that your partner somehow ?mislead? you, in order to entrap you in the first place.
How we can make ourselves more romantically attractive.
It?s possible to make ourselves more attractive to the right people, and it has nothing to do with dumping money into plastic surgery or meeting some crazy weight-loss goal. Being more attractive simply requires us to be the best versions of ourselves, and cultivate all the things in us that we expect from the partners in our lives.
1. Be authentic
There is little more attractive in this world than someone who knows who they are, while being comfortable in their own skin. Authenticity is beautiful, and an increasing rarity in this world. To be authentic, you have to be in touch with both your needs and your desires, but you also have the confidence that allows you to stand out in a world that otherwise tells you to conform.
Authenticity is attractive because it?s brave, and it?s out there. It signifies someone who has gotten in touch with themselves and not flinched away. To be authentic is to be a rebel, and it?s to go against the stream. Who wouldn?t be attracted to someone who was internally strong enough to tell the world, ?This is who I am. Take it or leave it.?
If you want to be more attractive, or you want to bring your partner back into that passion ? try being more authentic. Spend time getting to know who you are inside and out. Know your wants, your desires, your passions, the things that bring meaning to your life. Know too what you want from a partner and a relationship, and refuse to compromise on points of value or meaning. When we are authentic we encourage other authentic people to come into our lives and cover us with their energy and their strength.
2. No more sabotage
Self-sabotage is one of the number one reasons we find ourselves in less-than-ideal relationships, or in partnerships in which we are not (and never have been) attracted to the other party. This kind of self-sabotage might mask itself as self-interest, but in the end it all leads to the same thing: Endless disappointment and the knowledge that you sold yourself short when you could have had something deeper and more meaningful.
Stop the self-sabotage and allow yourself to release the emotional baggage of your past. Rather than forcing relationships that just don?t fit, let go of your need to be ?coupled? and get obsessed with your need to become the best version of yourself possible.
Get down to the bottom of your need to please, or your compulsive need to be in a relationship. Stop selling yourself short for people who don?t add anything to your life, and don?t allow yourself to be bullied or forced into a partnership that doesn?t quite fit. When we feel as though we aren?t good enough or we aren?t able to get the things we want, we settle for less than we deserve. Stop stabbing yourself in the back and give your romances a chance to thrive by standing firm by what works best for you.
3. Stop taking everything so seriously
When you treat everything with urgency and intensity, it can turn people off or push them away. Making everything a case of life-or-death seriousness is toxic, and it does nothing to help us create fulfilling and joyful lives. We have to stop taking everything so seriously if we want to be well-adjusted people and better partners in our relationships. Not everything has to be a matter of utmost important. Sometimes, it?s okay to enjoy life for what it is.
Let go of your need to take everything so seriously, and start relaxing into the natural flow of life. Relationships aren?t the end-all-be-all of this life. Let go of the obsession you have to ?be in a relationship? and see partnerships as the ornaments of life that they are ? capable of adding beauty but doing nothing to destroy the structure of our lives.
Our partners should be a compliment to our lives and lifestyles. Don?t try to force every partner to fit in to the right box. Understand that some relationships are for a season, some are for a reason, and some are never meant to be at all. Not every person you fall for is going to be the one, and not every attraction is going to last forever. Accept that life is full of strange ups and downs, and not everything your partner does reflects on you. When we stop taking everything so seriously, we can often see the beauty just beneath.
4. Practice integrity
Integrity can be a transformative facet of our lives when we utilize it in everything that we do. Integrity happens when we live in line with our truth, and we do the right things for ourselves day-in-and-day out. It also means living compassionately with those around us, and recognizing a higher truth that guides you somewhere worth going in this life.
Make yourself a more attractive partner by living in line with your true integrity. Do the right thing for yourself and for others, stand up and take responsibility for your mistakes, and take responsibility for your life and your own happiness too.
Integrity is like a light that shines from within, and the more we foster it the more it works as a beacon ? drawing the right person to us. Practicing integrity improves the quality of your life, which improves the quality of your happiness and authentic state of being. People notice this, and not just any people?the right people you want to fill your life with. The people who can offer meaning, hope and support in times of trial and in times of joy.
5. Meet your needs
Are you someone who never takes time to meet their own needs? Constantly catering to the people around you? Or, feel as though you?re incapable of looking after yourself first and foremost? Taking care of ourselves is an important part of attracting the right quality of partner into our lives. When we fail to see to our needs, we project a low image of self-worth, which in turn can attract some truly unsavory types. In order to become confident and secure partners, we have to look after ourselves.
Stop confusing your worth with the needs of other people, and start investing in some quality self-care instead. When you look after yourself, you feel more confident and more complete, but you also show others that you love yourself and place a high value on your own fulfillment.
Being able to meet your own needs makes you a higher quality partner, which in turn attracts higher quality partners into your life. Rather than leaving yourself vulnerable to the machinations of those who would take advantage of you, you can start attracting secure and confident people who know the value of having a partner who shines. Don?t rely on someone else to do the things you should be doing for yourself. No one knows our needs like we do, and no one can meet them like we can.
6. Find confidence
There is little more in this world that is attractive on a person than confidence. Confidence is a quiet aphrodisiac, which draws us in with its silent magnitude and easy calm. When we are confident, we are assured in our abilities and assured that we have the emotional and mental fortitude to overcome any challenge. Confident partners are attractive partners because they offer the idea of security, but they also offer inspiration and motivate us to be better versions of ourselves.
Don?t wait for the perfect relationship to come along to start building up your confidence. You don?t need someone else to hold your hand or tell you that you?re pretty to start feeling better about yourself. Dig deep. Identify your strengths and use them to bolster your courage. Then, get up-close-and-personal with your weakness and spin them in silver-lining skills.
Confidence is the cornerstone of any fulfillment we find in this life, and it?s also the foundation that allows us to stand up for the things we want in this life. Existence is not for spectators. You have to get proactive about your life and take decisive action when and where it?s needed. To do that, you must be confident in who you are and confident in what you want. If a relationship figures anywhere into that equation, the focus on cultivating personal confidence above all else.
7. Uncover true happiness
True happiness is one of those elusive dreams, which we always seem to be chasing but never quite find. More often than not, this is because we make relationships the center of this quest, and put all the weight of our hopes and dreams on them. The problem with this, however, is that it is piling the weight of those same hopes and dreams on the shoulders of someone else?and entirely repulsive and unhealthy thing to do.
Think back to when you were young and your parents asked you to do chores you didn?t want to do. Now, imagine your parents made a huge mess in the living room while you were asleep, and then asked you to get up and clean the whole thing up by yourself. Expecting someone else to make us happy is much the same thing. It?s asking them to clean up the messes of previous experiences, and that?s an entirely unfair expectation.
Work on cultivating your own happiness in this life and don?t put the burden of that expectation on someone else. If you want to be more attractive to a prospective partner, try being happier. Do that by getting to know who you are, embracing that person, and then allowing that person to heal before ? before muddying the water with someone else. Get healthy. Get mentally fit. Be the person you want to bring into your life, and they?ll come naturally; with all the natural physical and emotional attraction that entails.
Putting it all together?
Attraction is an important quality, and it?s one that can empower us to stay bonded and connected throughout the inevitable adversities life throws our way. When we?re attracted to our partner, we see more than just the physical projections they give us, to the greater, deeper soul beneath it all. When we?re truly attracted to someone on a real level, we see them for what they are and we value the things they value. We can make ourselves better and more attractive partners by simply becoming better and more heightened versions of ourselves.
Be authentic. Get to know who you are and be willing to live bravely in pursuit of what you need to be happy. The more authentic you are, the more attractive you become. Stop self-sabotaging yourself by forcing relationships that just don?t fit, and let go of your need to make every relationship the perfect relationship. Not all partners are meant for us, and our feelings of attraction go a long way in indicating that. Live with integrity and use that integrity as a beacon that attracts the quality of partner you desire. Meet your own needs, and stop looking for other people to make you feel happy, fulfilled or worthy. The more we stand on our own, the more confident we become as individuals (and therefore more attractive). Be strong, and uncover the meaning of your own true happiness before engaging anyone else on your journey.
