Photo by Mathew MacQuarrie on Unsplash
I haven?t written in a while because, well because? I think I?ve fallen into a depression. I?ve written many articles about Anxiety, Panic Disorder and Depression, always urging people to seek help if needed, easier said than done when you may not recognize that it?s taken a hold of you.
The grip of depression can be so tight, you may not even realize it?s seized you until the walls seem to be closing in around you and it feels as though you are suffocating slowly.
I haven?t been myself for some time and I?ve been blaming my emotions or lack there of on fears I?ve been facing for some time. I?m sure the real fears have factored in but where does stress and real fear cross the line and lead to a clinical depression?
I?ve actually felt embarrassed to speak openly about my illness and I?m not sure why? I am a strong advocate for those who suffer from Mental Health issues and ending the stigma attached to them. Obviously, I feel or know that deep down there is still a stigma attached because I?ve sensed since I?ve become ill that I?m annoying those who love me and quite literally pissing them off. To know that you you are unwittingly hurting and pissing those off who love you is enough to withdraw and try so hard to hide what?s really going on. Trying to pretend you are okay to appease others only causes the illness to escalate.
I have so many thoughts going through my mind, thoughts like, ?Hey, I have nursed you back to health more times than I can count without complaining because I love you that much. I have made sure you get to the Doctor when your ill, I even call and make appointments for you because I love you and want the best for you- when I know you may be scared or too weak to make that appointment for yourself.?
When someone I love is ill, I would never tell them to ?chill,? if they were suffering from an obvious physical problem because chilling is a cure all, right?! I would never tell them that I know you are going through a tough time with your illness but I can?t help you, it?s really getting on my nerves even though I love you.
Yes, I have heard this and it just causes me to retreat even more within myself.
I?m not sure what?s changed but I?ve also had agoraphobia set it. Things that brought me excitement, like simple trips cause me extreme dread now and it?s really been hard for me to leave my home. I?ve had many panic attacks over the months in public and when they happen I fear I?m going to either pass out in public or die. So, I?ve also focused on death more? no I don?t want to die, I fear it.
I wish I wasn?t so self aware but I am and tend to slap myself silly over comparisons to others who seem mentally healthier than me. I have extreme insomnia and I can?t get up at a normal hour like most people I know, including those I love. I am missing out on life because those I love are living life before 10 am while I am still asleep. I have to decline many invitations because I can?t function that early (or late, depending on how you look at it).
I know I?m letting people down even though they don?t say too much. My daughter would love to have me spending morning hours with her and my granddaughter but I?ve been unable to because if I do get up early and leave without getting enough sleep, for some reason it?s predictable that a panic attack will ensue which keeps me from wanting to leave my home before the afternoon and most people really can?t relate to that no matter how you try to explain it. Honestly, I?ve given up trying to explain it because I feel like a broken record. I feel defeated. And I feel like a loser, even though I know I?m not.
I?m sad because I don?t have anyone to take me by the hand gently and guide me in the proper direction. When we are ill, it?s hard to think with clarity and it?s scary. I try to keep that in mind when people I love are physically ill.
Being mentally ill quite frankly, feels no different than feeling physically ill, because it ties right into the physical body and affects a person in ways that are hard to describe.
I was seeing a therapist before my husband became extremely ill but I thought I was doing better and focused on his health. My therapist knew when I became depressed I would cancel my appointments (because I shared that with him) and he also knew I would back off when I was feeling more depressed. I made him aware of this and I thought we had a good relationship but he hasn?t called to find out why I haven?t been there and he promised he would. So, I also feel I have no one to turn to right now.
Photo by Maranatha Pizarras on Unsplash
This is the cycle of Mental Illness, I feel as though our brain health isn?t a priority like other organs that become ill or damaged due to disease. There really is a stigma still attached to mental illness and it feels as though we are just an annoyance who need to suck it up and get over ourselves while inside we struggle as though we are slowly dying and no one gives a fuck.
When agoraphobia sets in? you feel like prisoner with a life sentence. It doesn?t mean it?s a life sentence but until you get the necessary help you need, a prisoner you shall be. When will the medical establishment wake up and make Mental illness just as high of a priority as Diabetes as one example of many illnesses?! When will they give a fuck?