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A little potty humor in this time of our toilet paper dis-content
Toilet paper is a rare commodity these days, but this shortage is likely temporary. Nevertheless, we?ve been staring down the last couple rolls in my house for while now, and mild panic has been stirring.
We have been toying with the idea of installing a bidet for a long while now, but we live with two thought interrupters ? a 3-year-old and a 10-month-old. So?wait, what was I saying?
Oh yes, bidets! They are a great solution for many issues ?down under? ? like literally, they are better for the planet, and less cruel to your bum and other bits, as this article painstakingly details.
So, this pandemic finally forced our hand, although we opted for the much less expensive ?bum gun? option. It?s a hose sprayer that attaches to the water supply next to your toilet. They come in all sorts of varieties, some with heated water supply, some with different water pressure settings, etc. Prices seem to range from about $40 to $120, but I figure, after 120 bucks, I might as well buy myself a sexy talking toilet voiced by Jon Hamm, like the one on that episode of Bob?s Burgers.
There is also the option of the ?portable bidet? for just around 15 bucks. It?s basically a peri bottle. That?s the thing you get after you?ve squeezed an entire human out of your vagina, a process that wreaks more havoc than any turd could ever hope to do. It?s pretty effective at cleaning your bits and extinguishing twat fires (those are real postpartum events, btw).
We got a middle-of-the-road bidet sprayer with no heater. My husband objected to this, but I believed with spring approaching, it should not be a problem.
More on that in a moment.
My husband installed it and showed me the all important ?pressure valve.? It?s just a switch that stays in the ?off? position unless in use, and it goes from there all the way up to ?full power.? We played around with it a bit to see just how ?full? the power got. It became immediately apparent that none of us should ever attempt a butt cleanse on maximum power.
The first time I used it
I thought I?d try it first after a pee ? far less could go wrong. I put the valve setting around low-medium, but this was not enough pressure. So, I cranked it up literally just a half a millimeter, and sprayed?
TOO MUCH PRESSURE! TOO COLD OMFG WE SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE HEATED MODEL!!!
These are the words I yelled out, my husband, watching the whole time in delight and laughing hysterically.
He is now permanently banned from the bathroom if I am attempting to use this thing. Too much performance anxiety, like parallel parking. If no one is in the car with me, I can park that car in two swift Mad Max style turns. But if there is a passenger with me, we are likely to hit both the car in front of us and the one behind us, and the curb a few times, after 28 turns, before finally making it into the space.
An aside: people often wonder how you will dry yourself after a bidet spray. I thought about that. Our solution: a dedicated twat towel for each user, hanging near the toilet will do the trick. Look, you are already (presumably) clean from the spray, so pat dry, hang up the towel, and then be sure to wash and replace the towel often. You could even get your twat towels monogrammed so everyone in the household gets a personalized experience.
Then it came time to test out the bum gun after a deuce. As I sat there, I began worrying about logistics, like won?t the dirty butt water come back down onto the nozzle of this hose? Eww! And what, do I disinfect it after each use? There is no fucking Lysol at stores, in case you haven?t noticed. ?Shit,? I said out loud, and then laughed at myself for saying ?shit? about shit while shitting. I reached for the hose, turned the valve to a hair above low, aimed in a way I thought would avoid spraying poop flecks all over the hose, and squeezed the trigger.
The pressure was still WAY TOO HIGH. This resulted in me losing control of the hose momentarily, and water spraying EVERYWHERE. I doubted I had cleaned anything except the newly drenched wall beside me. (I checked. I was right.)
First attempt: Failure.
I looked at the last roll of toilet paper, hanging there next to me. It seemed to be mocking me with its cruel, quilted eyes.
I?m so sorry I doubted you. This bidet sprayer could never take your place. Come back to the store shelves and I will never blast my ass again!
My husband asked how it went.
?It felt like my asshole crawled all the way up inside me and was hiding out in the back of my throat, scared for its life,? I said.
He had the gall to tell me he ?rather enjoyed? his first bidet spray and that the cold water was not nearly as bad as he had thought it would be. He also suggested I practice more with the pressure. I told him if he kept mansplaining to me how to hose my own ass I was going to spray him in the face with it, and I could not guarantee that the nozzle head would be feces free.
My Review of the Bum Gun
Time has since passed and I?m perfecting my butt blasting skills. Once you get the hang of it, it really does feel much cleaner, and it is way less harsh on your bits than even the fanciest toilet paper. Plus, knowing that I?m not adding to the already overwhelmed sewage system that has resulted from people trying to flush baby wipes and even paper towels down their commodes, I can smugly assert my moral dominance every time I visit my commode.
Overall then, 4 out of 5 stars, one star missing because of that time I nearly loss my entire butthole trying to figure out the pressure thing.
I highly recommend ordering one while you can ? Amazon is already getting overwhelmed and orders are delayed. And there is no telling when we will see stores fully stocked with toilet paper again. So, try it out if you can afford the purchase. Your ass will (eventually) thank you and so will the planet.
Now, I?m off to the bathroom, but not to use the toilet. My three-year-old has discovered that we now have a ?fun sprayer thingy? in there.
I didn?t think this through enough, did I?