I Masturbated With a Cucumber

I Masturbated With a Cucumber

Are cucumbers really better than men?

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There are a plethora of jokes and memes on the Internet based on the premise that cucumbers are better than men. In the interest of research, I decided to do a little experiment designed to prove or disprove that theory. We all know a cucumber won?t hog the remote control to the television set, or leave socks on the bathroom floor, but is a cucumber really better than a man? Let?s find out.

I started by picking a fresh, homegrown cucumber from the garden. Although I didn?t measure it, I could tell it was significantly larger than the penises to which I?d grown accustomed. That brought me to my first conclusion on whether cucumbers are better than men.

When it comes to cucumbers, size really does matter.

With men, there are so many things more important than size such as manners, personality, temperament, how he treats his mother, how he treats my mother, and whether he insists upon sex with the lights on ? or off.

A cucumber just doesn?t have anything going for it besides length and girth. So its relative size has to be exactly what a gal is looking for in a fresh-picked sex partner. When it comes to matters of size, the advantage goes to the cucumber.

I brought the cucumber into the bathroom with me and gave it a thorough bubble bath to make sure it was free from any garden pests, dirt, and whatever else may have been harbored in the soil.

Then I encased it in a zippered sandwich bag and took it for a test run.

Here?s what I learned. There?s nothing fun about having sex with a cucumber. Sure, it stays hard, but there?s such a thing as too hard. I imagine people encounter the same rigidity with say a glass dildo, but the cucumber?s unyielding consistency just made me sore.

With a man, I don?t typically have to do all of the work. A cucumber is not as considerate ? not that I expected it to be. At least a vibrator vibrates. This thing did nothing for me ? no matter how hard I tried, and I did try.

Soft and slow, hard and fast, side to side, and in a circular motion, the results were all the same ? absolutely nothing. So while it may be true that cucumbers won?t snore or lose your car keys, they don?t make the best romantic partners if you?re looking for an easy orgasm.

Cucumbers also won?t make the best romantic partners if you?re looking for romance. Sometimes I rather enjoy a chatty sex partner ? provided he doesn?t ask too many questions ? but a cucumber definitely isn?t going to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. That?s something I missed.

Then there was the matter of getting rid of the evidence. I don?t live alone, and I was somewhat worried about being asked why there was a Ziploc-encased cucumber in the trash. I thought about eating it, but ? Nah. Ultimately, I dismembered the poor thing and hid its remains at the bottom of the trash, and that?s something I usually don?t have to do with my sex partners.

Overall, I came to the conclusion that cucumbers are not better than men, particularly when it comes to the sex department. On the other hand, a cucumber won?t eat the last slice of pizza, leave the toilet seat up, cheat on you, get you pregnant, or expect sex when you have a headache. So it?s your call.


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