Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
I?ve written before about the fluids that exit my body during sex, and I am sooo lucky that squirting is not actually the only thing I need to wonder about potentially turning off a new partner. Since I?ve been in confession mode lately, time to add another one to the list: the fact that I?m a lactater too (not actually a real word spellcheck is telling me).
I had sex with my current partner on our second date. It hadn?t been planned at all. I liked him ? a whole lot ? but I?m not an easy lay. Dudes have to work for it, which made dating on Tinder super fun when I had to be like, ?Hey, if you can?t wait until the 4th or 5th date to have sex with me, move along? and was promptly unmatched with.
But my current partner found my on switch.
We?d kissed at the end of our first date. Standing outside my car, he?d asked if he could and I?d promptly grabbed his collar and laid one on him, and then I?d offered to drive him to his truck which was parked a block away, just so I could continue to make out with him. While sitting next to his truck, he?d grazed my left breast, which surprised me more than anything because he?d asked to kiss me, and then here he was, groping me.
?Getting gropey there, huh?? I?d laughed.
?I?m so sorry,? he said, dropping his head. We kissed some more and then called it a night. I later learned that he thought he would never hear from me again, that he?d seriously blown his chances with me.
For our second date, he met me at Starbucks where I?d been doing some work. I hadn?t seen him walk in when I felt a soft peck on the back of my neck. It was sweet and boyfriend-ly, and I already felt like we were heading that way, so I turned and planted a kiss on his mouth.
We walked to his truck and he drove us to lunch. Afterward, we were supposed to go see a movie, but once we parked, we commenced kissing again.
And that?s when his mouth slipped from my kissing lips to kissing my neck, and a shiver ran through me.
My neck is my switch. Plant your mouth there and it?s going to run all through me, awakening things I can?t necessarily control.
I pushed him off me. ?Give me a minute,? I said.
He tried to kiss me again, and I held up my hands.
I breathed in and out deeply and racked my brain. We could go ahead and walk into the movie theater and definitely not have sex. OR I could tell him how to get to my house, just a ten minute drive away, and we could have sex.
If we have sex, I doubt this is going to work out, I told myself. What dude is going to keep dating a girl he slept with on the second date?
But I really really want to sleep with him, was my next thought.
I took another deep breath. Okay. I guess this is going to ruin things, I decided. ?Can we?go to my house?? I asked.
?Yes,? he promptly replied.
?I have to tell you two things first,? I said next.
?I?m a squirter. And I lactate.?
?Okay?Neither one of those are a big deal to me,? he said.
I nodded ? not really believing him, but okay, I?d find out if that was the case sure enough ? and gave him directions to my house.
And then a surprising thing happened. He made love to me. It was slow and sweet and good, and he didn?t have any hang-ups about my?fluids. Despite my thoughts about sex on the second date ruining something developing, it just solidified it for the both of us.
My boy/girl twins will be three in August. I nursed/pumped until they were 15 months old, yet here I am, more than 15 months later, still lactating. I was told birth control would help me dry up. Didn?t happen. But the amount has lessened over the last few months.
It?s weird, more than anything. Sometimes when I?m aroused, my shirt or bra has stimulated my nipples, or I just hear a crying baby, I wet through my bra. If my partner massages my breasts or I orgasm, I can have a ?milk ejection reflex,? spontaneously spurting milk. If he sucks on my nipples, he may taste it.
Women who have never been pregnant may even have nipple discharge. Called Galactorrhea, Mayo Clinic notes that this often occurs when breast tissue becomes incredibly sensitive to prolactin, the hormone responsible for producing breast milk, but can also be the result of the overstimulation of breasts during sex.
Other writers, such as Shannon Ashley, have mentioned lactation during sex:
I Had A Threesome And It Was Awkward AF
But I?m so glad I went through with it anyway.
It?s a thing. A thing that turns some people on. A thing that turns some people off.
When I was pregnant, I struggled a lot with the idea of my breasts losing their sole sexual function. I?ve always loved breastplay, and the idea of them now suddenly losing that horrified me.
I considered not breastfeeding my own children because I felt like it would cost me my own sensuality, but my ex-husband was entirely against the idea. Plus formula for a year?s supply is (at modest estimates) around $2,400 for two babies in the United States, and I would have over 30 days of my 16 weeks maternity leave unpaid. We simply couldn?t afford for me not to breastfeed.
So I read up on breastfeeding and sex. I learned about erotic lactation, women who orgasmed from the latching and suckling of their newborns (which, God, sounded terrible and creepy). I also read how my role as mother and sexual partner could become synonymous with that whole ?milk ejection reflex? thing.
I also discovered adult breastfeeding on porn websites as well. Grown women and men (some even wearing diapers) suckling a lactating woman?s breast. I watched a few. Most never went past the suckling act. The ones that did often involved the lactating woman expressing her nipples, ejecting breastmilk onto her sexual partner?s face, chest/breasts, or penis. I definitely knew I wasn?t going to be into that.
But once I had children and nursed and pumped for them so long, all of my horrors evaporated. Lactating during sex just wasn?t that big of a deal, and I didn?t even notice when it happened most of the time.
Everyone has their ?weird? things during sex. They really like feet or being called certain names. They?re insecure about how their stomach looks or their back hair. The only things that matter in any good healthy sexual relationship are that there are communication and honesty, and that you?re okay with your partner?s weird things, and they with yours.
In my case, I just happen to be a squirter and a lactater, and my partner embraces both.
Tara Blair Ball is the pseudonym of another Tara entirely. Check out her website here or find her on Twitter: @taraincognito.