Shouldn?t a woman choosewhat to dowiththesperm thatlands in her mouth?
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Years ago, I fell very hard for a man who was quite honestly, a jerk. I don?t mean that in some kind of one-sided, ?angry ex? sort of way. I don?t have a case of sour grapes. This dude was truly bad newsforme. He brought out the worst in me, and I hardly brought out the best in him.
He was a chronic cheater, and unsurprisingly, a selfish partner. But in those days, I wasn?t just naive when it came to our relationship, I was stubborn and foolish too. He got away with plenty of terrible shit because I let him. I didn?t speak up for myself orprotest when Ishouldhave. For a long time, I was complicit in my own mistreatment simply because I didn?t want him to be a bad guy. And I didn?t want our relationshiptoend.
So, I made plenty of excuses for him and he went along his merry way, breaking a wholelotofhearts. All the while, his actionswere often detrimentalto me.
Since I loved the guy ?so much,? I contorted myself into his own personal wish list of theperfect girlfriend. Don?t get me wrong???this was not wholly magnanimous on my part. I got something out of it because I liked feeling special. It was thrilling to be praised for making him happy. I wanted to do it.
But it was also problematic.
For one thing, that?s partly how I lost myself in him. I quit minding my own needs and interests as I took on more and more responsibility to please himwith mychoices. I felt as if he liked me best when I did everything exactly the way that he liked it. I wanted our relationship to work, so going along with his wishes seemed like such a benign thing.
His preferences covered the food I ate, the books I read, the clothes I bought, and even the way I groomed my body hair. How we had sex and what I called him. What I talked about.
Some of the preferences he had seemed like no big deal. Innocuous. Sure, some of those things bugged me at first, but then I got over them. Some preferences I even grew to like.
Regardless of my feelingsoneach issue, the whole point of making my partner happy seemed tobea positivething. I loved this person, of course I wanted to be sexy for him. Of course I wanted to ?wow? himand make him feel valued.
Unfortunately, it wasn?t so simple. I didn?t just lose myselfthatway, I also taught him how to treat melikecrap. I made it okay for him to see me as this person who was only there to serve his desires. And of course, none of the things I did to please him actually made him value me. When we broke up, he was very clear that he didn?t think I ever did a damn thing for him. I spent months trying to give him everything he wanted, and I consistently felt like he wasn?t particularly appreciative of me and those efforts???that?s because he wasn?t. He wasn?t appreciative of me.
A few months into our relationship and after we were living together, I began to learn the truthaboutwhat washappeningwhenItriedtopleasehim. None of the other women in his life ever bent over backwards to make him happy. Never to the extent that Idid. For example, I was spending money on Brazilian waxes for him when I preferred to keep most of body hair natural. He randomly admitted to me one day that none of his exes were fully waxedorshaven. I was the first woman he?d been with who agreed to remove all of her body hairforhim.
Yet I did that because he had been so adamant about it. When we talked about it he behaved as if there was no wiggle room. And I thought I had to comply if I wanted him to remain attracted to me. When he was so vocal about the importance of his preferences, I didn?t feel like I had any choice.
Learning that the other women he?d been with had pubic hair was something of a wakeup call. I wondered what else I?d been wrong about and I didn?t know what the hell I was doing. Why did I let this guy dictate my life? As much as I loved him, it?s not like he was making any real sacrifices for me.
Among the running list of things I believed I had to do for him, swallowing his cum when I gave him a blow jobwasatthetopofthelist. And do you know what? I never wanted to do it. Not really. Or, to be fair, I wanted to be the kind of girl who loved toswallow. But I never was.
No matter how much I thought it would be sexy to down his cum like it was no big deal, it was always a big deal. It was difficult. No matter how much I wanted to love it, the taste and the texture was gag-inducingto me. Every time. So, I?d spend the entire blow job nervous about whether or not I was going to ?ruin? the whole damn thing.
The amount of stress that went into a blow job simply because I wanted to make it perfect was absurd. And one shitty thing about it was how it felt like I couldn?t suddenly stop doing it. This was something I had done for him from the beginning. Guys like him consider that sort of thing a ?bait and switch.?
So, I didn?t actually quit swallowing until I became pregnantandbattled extrememorningsickness. In some circles, I suppose that?s criminal. A bedroom equivalent to ?letting yourself go.? But pregnancy was in in my estimation an appropriate time to finally be more selfish. I thought, gee, I?d really like to take care of me. I was so ill with nausea that I finally did choose self-care over service.
And yes, he noticed.
Yes, he called me selfish.
An Open Letter to Chicks Who Don’t Swallow – The Total Frat Move Archive
To the women in my life who have refused to swallow, I get it. I really do. You, in your heart of hearts, believe that?
As it turns out, there?s a faction of men (like those in this gem of astory above) who believe women only refuse to swallow because we think it?s demeaning or sexist. But no sex act is demeaning if all involved parties want it. The only thing that truly makes swallowing a man?s cum demeaning is in the way that he treats her???if he demands it, expects it, or treats it like no big deal on her part. Like she should just grow up and ?take one for the team.?
That?s demeaning. Entitlement, coupled with a total lack of your partner?s comfort and pleasure? That?s not sexy at all.
Whereverspermisinvolved, couples ought to talk openly about their feelings on what to do with the stuff. Men who think they need it might be surprised to discover that women who don?t wish to swallow really aren?t trying to rain on their parade. It?s not about feminists being bitches, or prudes shying away from some sexual awakening. It?s about freedom and total acceptance with their sexual partner(s).
After that relationship where I lived to make my partner happy while he treated me like a doormat, I decided that I was done with swallowing. And I have zero qualms about that. Personally, I have no problem with discreetly spitting cum into a washcloth and tossing it into the washing machine. I?m a grown ass woman who know her way around a laundryroom.
Some men complain that this is somehow nasty or dirty. I have to wonder why. It?s not gross to expect a partner to swallow a load of ejaculate even if it makes them gag and feel like they?re going to puke? Is that how you really want a person to feel about you???as if you?re some stomach-churning burden she?s just got to choke down?
Let?s be honest. If the idea of her spitting into a towel is more offensive than you making her uncomfortable just because you love the idea of your sperm in her belly, you need to rethink your priorities.
Some women gladly swallow and genuinely love to do it. Some women don?t. No one should be shamed either way. And just because you happen to find a woman who will bend over backwards to please you, that doesn?t mean that she should.
I decided a long time ago that I?m not going to apologize for failing to live up to anyone else?s fantasy about who I should beorwhatIshoulddo. A healthy relationship, and even a healthy sex life means a generous dose of give and take. Giving each person the space to be theirhonest selves.
If a man pins his sexual satisfaction upon my willingness to swallow his cum, and decides to take issue with my preference to spit, he is easily not the right kind ofman for me. Sure, I?ve heard all of the arguments which insist that a girl who swallows is superior to all others. And do you know what? That?s fine. I don?t need to prove myself by doing things I don?t want to do. Besides, I believe a lot in sexual chemistry and compatibility. Sexual compatibility mattersmorethanplentyoffolks think.
Some of us get so used to putting the desires of others first, that we forget how to steer our own ships. We need to be reminded that it?s okay to have our own needstoo.
That?s why I don?t swallow???I spit. And I?m not broken up about it.