Sexuality is a lot more fluid than you might think.
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
I?ve liked girls my whole life, but I only knew I liked them since I was nineteen. About five years ago now. At the time I still occasionally caught feelings for men, so I considered myself bisexual.
However, I?ve also had a huge problem where I would frequently fall in love with the idea of a person before I really got to know them. Eventually, they would reveal their true selves to me and I would realize how incompatible we really were.
This came to a head in my final semester of college, when I befriended this boy, and we started talking. (How do you even define the ?talking? stage these days? I?ve been through it with multiple people, and it still almost impossible to describe.)
On paper, this guy was everything I thought I wanted in a boyfriend. He was sweet, funny, and tall. We shared a lot of common interests. I admired his taste in music and movies. We both enjoyed the same video games.
We stayed up late talking about anything and everything all the time. The way that people who are slightly more than friends do. Were we more than friends? Did I want to be?
I knew he wanted to be. That much was obvious from the start. I think he was just waiting for me to give the okay to ask me out. But it never came.
I only liked the idea of him. As much as I tried, I couldn?t force myself to like someone if the attraction wasn?t there.
So I decided I must be gay. If I couldn?t like this one man who was theoretically perfect for me, maybe I couldn?t like any man.
I came out to all the family members who I knew would be supportive. I came out to my friends. I had revealed my bisexuality to all of them years before, and they weren?t surprised or condescending when I told them I actually only liked girls.
I broke this guy?s heart.
My lesbian phase lasted maybe six months. That was when I met the man I dated for over a year.
At first, I couldn?t stand him. There was something annoying about his pretty face and his goddamn beautiful eyes and the way he could make me laugh so effortlessly. I think I just hated myself for being attracted to a man again. I?d thought I was done with that.
I spent months being annoyed with this guy when it turned out he had feelings for me too. Only he had never known anything besides being heterosexual. If only my life had been that easy. We might have gotten together so much sooner.
When I came out as bi again later, after finally admitting to myself that I had a straight crush, the people in my life were supportive. They didn?t say I was wishy-washy like I had worried they would. They simply reassured me that these things can be complicated, and I don?t need a label. Labels are powerful to me, but I totally get where my friends and family were coming from.
I don?t regret having to change who I thought I was to get the chance to be with this man. I only regret not letting myself be more open to the opportunity to meet this person. Even though the relationship ultimately didn?t work out, it taught me a lot about myself. And, as I?ve written before, no relationship is a waste of time if you learned something about the world or yourself.
And I certainly did. I learned that I?m really bisexual, and definitely not a lesbian. And that is something I really needed to learn.