Even if you?re already having lots of sex
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I love to be seduced, chased, and teased. But for the longest time, I wasn?t getting any of those things.
I wasn?t single ? I was married. But I don?t really blame my husband for letting that fall to the wayside because I had done it, too.
We were in the most stressful part of our lives. He was in grad school and I spent most of my time at home, watching after young kids (sometimes while pregnant).
He got up early to work and went to bed late to work some more. I crashed early and slept until the kids woke up.
Sometimes, the stars aligned and we put aside all the stress and mismatched schedules and had sex. But it wasn?t often. The conditions had to be perfect ? my body had to give me a hormonal rush, and he actually had to be at home and not on campus waiting to catch the last bus home.
The sex we had was good, but kind of routine. We were doing it because we had needs and missed each other, not because we really wanted each other or couldn?t resist tearing our clothes off.
There wasn?t much passion left in our relationship because we didn?t nurture it.
At some point, we couldn?t ignore it anymore. Something was missing. We were both there for each other. We still had great conversations. We made each other laugh constantly. But we couldn?t remember the last time either of us tried to make the other feel hot.
We got complacent because we thought our lives were just too busy for that kind of stuff. We both figured we?d get back to our old sexy selves once things settled back down.
But when we really thought about it, it was clear that things weren?t going to settle for a very long time. And I didn?t want to wait until the kids went off to college before my husband made me feel like a woman again.
We didn?t make a pact or anything like that. But coming to that realization made us start trying again. We took little steps to make each other feel sexy and desired, and to make ourselves sexy and desirable.
It didn?t result in more sex. Full-time grad school turned into full-time freelancing for Mr. Austin and three kids turned into four. Finding time to fuck was still a challenge. But the quality of our sex life improved dramatically.
And when things did settle a bit and we had a little more time to spare, we were ready to spend it on each other. Sex most weeks turned into sex most days.
But it only happened because we made seduction a priority.
Why You Should Seduce Your Partner
It?s normal for the passion to die down a bit when you get settled into a relationship.
You get comfortable with each other. Your life gets a little routine. The person who used to excite you becomes the person you watch TV with.
After a while, it becomes easy to take each other for granted.
And if you have kids, the passion is going to be harder to maintain. It?s hard to get in a horny mindset when you?re changing diapers, dealing with tantrums, and cleaning oatmeal out of the curtains.
You?ll definitely need some stress relief. But you?re more likely to crave some time with your vibrator or a quick jackoff session instead of sex with your partner.
If you?re not careful, being comfortable turns into being complacent. Parenting stress becomes an excuse not to seduce each other instead of the very reason you need to keep it going.
Your flame burned hard when you were a new couple, but after a while, it takes a little effort to keep it going. It dies out if you don?t nurture it.
Sometimes, it?s hard to see the real problem because the flame only dies out on one end.
Men tend to be a little more active when it comes to their sexual desires ? they?ll get horny and want to have sex with their partners, almost spontaneously.
Women are like that, too. But for a lot of us, that active arousal mostly happens at the start of the relationship. Once the honeymoon period is over and the new relationship energy is gone, we tend to become more responsive in our desires. We don?t get randomly horny and want to screw our partner?s brains out. We need something to push that desire along, to draw it out of us.
We need a little seduction.
I?m willing to bet that?s one of the reasons so many marriages are less sexy than they should be. After the honeymoon period, the husband is still regularly aroused and ready to fuck. But the wife isn?t anymore. And it?s easy to assume the problem is that her libido is just dying down or that she?s not trying anymore instead of realizing that she needs a little help to get revved up.
That?s part of what happened in my own marriage. My husband?s sex drive is constantly on high. He could bend me over the kitchen counter and spank me just because I smiled at him.
It takes a lot more to get me there. For the longest time, though, we just figured I had lost interest in sex. I?d be into it around ovulation time, but otherwise, nah.
My sex drive crashed for a lot of reasons, but part of it is just that my libido went responsive and we didn?t adjust to that.
So, that?s one of the big reasons you need seduction in your long-term relationship: to make your partner horny so you can have more sex.
But even if you?re already having plenty of sex, you should still make an effort to be seductive.
Seduction just feels good. Seducing your partner makes them feel better about themselves and makes them feel desired, which is an amazing feeling. Pulling out the sexy moves makes you feel more powerful and confident, too.
You also get to tap into your sexuality and express it, even when you?re not having sex. It?s a great outlet for all that pent up sexual energy.
It also improves your bond. Since we started trying to seduce each other, there?s been a stronger connection between Mr. Austin and myself ? the kind you can really feel. Even when it doesn?t lead to sex, it increases our intimacy, makes us appreciate each other more, and puts us in a playful mood.
But the best part of seducing your partner, by far, is how much better the sex is. It?s the kind of passionate sex you can only have after your partner made you crave it. It?s the kind of sex you have because you want them so badly you can barely resist them, not because you?re horny and they happen to be lying next to you.
It?s the kind of sex that?s worth writing about.
But if you?ve been in a long-term relationship for a while, your seduction game might be rusty. Mine definitely was. When my husband and I decided to be a little more seductive, we quickly realized we were out of practice and barely remembered how to do it.
If that?s where you are, here are some ways you can add more seduction to your long-term relationship.
Take Care of Your Appearance
Letting yourself go is one of the perks of being with the same person for a long time. You don?t have to fuss with your hair first thing in the morning. You don?t have to do your makeup just because you?re going to see your partner. And you don?t have to wear anything uncomfortable just to pretend your body looks a bit slimmer than it really is.
But it?s easy to take it too far.
When you stop trying to wow each other, you can keep wearing ragged pajamas that are cozy but should?ve been replaced long ago.
Your underwear selection might become a little underwhelming.
You might decide to lie about and eat too many Oreos instead of taking care of your body.
And yeah, your appearance doesn?t matter the way it did when you were first getting to know each other. But it still matters a little.
You?re in love and you love each other for who you are. And you need to expect that your appearance will change over time (though my stupid husband keeps looking better as he gets older and that?s just not fair). But attraction is still partly visual, so if you want to seduce your partner, it helps to give them something a little nicer to look at.
You should be eating somewhat healthy and doing a bit of exercise regardless. But you should also put in a little effort with grooming yourself.
Some days I?ll curl my hair even if I?m not going out, just so I can pretty myself up for Mr. Austin. He?ll make sure his beard is trimmed and neat even if we?re staying in for a whole week.
Dressing a little less frumpy helps, too. And you should invest in some nice sleepwear or cute underwear. That?s where a lot of couples hit peak ?letting themselves go? levels because it?s the clothing only your partner will see. But that?s exactly why you should wear something that?s comfortable but still somewhat flattering ? it shows that you still want to be their eye candy.
I also started wearing sexy costumes and lingerie on occasion. That?s going the extra mile, but nothing says ?I really want you to fuck me? like an Alice in Wonderland costume that shows too much thigh.
Make Yourself Useful
You can?t seduce someone who struggles to get in the mood. And no one can get in the mood if they?re overworked or handling more than their fair share of the workload.
Stress and being stretched thin are major libido killers. So, doing useful, practical things around the house can increase your odds of turning on your partner.
In addition to doing your share of the chores, make sure you take good care of the bathroom. That?s where your partner will go before heading to bed, and they probably won?t be in the mood to fuck if they just had to wash your makeup off the counter, cleaned your beard hairs from the sink, or picked up your socks because you were too lazy to actually put them in the hamper. Take care of that stuff yourself so you don?t give them an extra chore to do right before you?re hoping to get laid.
Being useful also makes you look less oblivious. Women often complain that they feel more like their husband?s moms than their wives because they have to do lots of basic adult shit for them. If you?re that guy, get better at adulting and taking care of your responsibilities. Because she?s going to be a lot less interested in having sex if she feels the need to nag you.
Pay More Attention
This isn?t part of seduction, either, but it builds the foundation for it. Seducing someone is about making them feel special. And they won?t feel special if you only pay attention to them when you?re interested in sex.
Make time to talk and listen to them. Do it one on one, with no distractions. And don?t just talk about yourself ? ask about them, too.
You might feel like you already know everything you need to know about your partner, but trust me, you don?t. After fifteen years with my husband, we?re still curious about each other, even though we know all the big stuff.
So, bring up a topic and ask for their thoughts on it. Ask how they?ve been doing. Talk about future plans or ask if there?s anything new they wish they could do. Whatever, just be present and communicate. The intimacy it creates will go a long way.
Do Thoughtful Things
One bonus to paying attention to your partner is that you will learn what they need and what they want. That will help you do the little thoughtful things that make them feel special and make you look more appealing.
You can show up home with a bouquet of flowers for them (it?s a classic romantic gesture for a reason). And ladies, you can buy some for your guy, too.
Or you can surprise them by preparing their favorite meal or dessert. Bonus points if it?s too elaborate to make on most nights.
Planning a date for the two of you is also a great move. Showing that you thought ahead and put in the effort goes a long way. You can do it even if you?re too busy to go out. Mr. Austin recently surprised me by coming to bed with board games and sparkling drinks after the kids were in bed and that was more than sweet enough.
The mundane stuff helps, too. Sometimes, I get so focused on my work that I forget to drink enough water. So, when he sees I?m in the zone, my husband will bring me water. It?s simple, but it makes me feel taken care of and shows that he?s thinking of me.
Just make sure that it doesn?t get too routine. If you?re bringing home a half-dozen roses every week, it stops being a romantic surprise and it just becomes Flower Friday. So, switch up your thoughtful gestures, keep them creative, and make them at least a little unpredictable.
Write Something Sweet or Sexy
A sweet hand-written note or a well-timed suggestive text is a great way to show your partner you?re thinking about them. And it gets them thinking about you, too (and thinking about you in the right way).
When I?m taking a bath, my husband will sometimes leave a glass of water on my nightstand (okay, I have a problem) with a little note telling me one of the reasons he loves me or giving me a mini pep talk if I need one.
On my end, it?s flirty texts. Just a few coy words with a couple of horny emojis. I?m the more submissive one of the two, so I like to be chased. But I can still kick things off by giving him a green light to come after me.
And okay, yeah, I?ve also sent him some cleavage-heavy selfies and a few tasteful shots of my pussy. That seemed pretty effective, too.
Touch Like You Mean It
The other day, I wasn?t in the mood at all. I was too stressed and anxious to even think about sex. But when Mr. Austin looked into my eyes, reached his hand out, and gently touched my cheek, all that washed away and I was immediately all in.
It was mid-afternoon and he had to leave right after to get our daughters from the bus stop, so nothing happened (damn cockblocking daytime schedule). But just the way he touched me was enough to get me started.
We touch each other often, but a lot of it isn?t super sexy. It?s a cuddle while watching vlogs, a quick hug before one of us leaves, or a reassuring touch on the shoulder.
If you want your partner to be hot for you, though, you should touch them a little differently.
Where you touch them makes a difference. I?m weak for soft touches on my neck and earlobes. Not so much my knees and elbows.
How you touch matters, too. You can do it casually, but touch them with intent. Don?t just give them fleeting touches or a quick rub. Go soft and go slow. When you touch their neck, do it in a way that shows you?d rather touch them a lot lower than that.
Give More Compliments
Couples often ease up on the compliments the longer they?re together.
That can happen because they don?t pay as much attention to each other. Not noticing little things about your partner means you can?t compliment them as often.
And sometimes, you just stop seeing the point. Why tell him he looks good in that dress shirt when you must have told him over a hundred times already? It just feels kind of silly.
But it?s not silly. There?s no reason not to say something that makes your partner feel good about themselves and that shows them you noticed them.
Don?t worry about overdoing it. You can never compliment your partner too much. Sometimes, Mr. Austin and I compliment each other so much it would probably make other people barf if they overheard us. But it doesn?t matter, because it feels good to be noticed and it puts us in a very generous and receptive mood ? which is a great place to be if you?re hoping to have really great sex that night.
Don?t Rush It
Seduction is all about patience. It?s about planting ideas in your partner?s mind and letting them blossom. It?s about creating anticipation and giving them reasons to think about you.
So, make sure you take a chill approach to macking on your special someone.
Your partner will be more invested in the seduction if they get an opportunity to escalate, too. But they won?t have the opportunity to participate if you go from 0 to 100 right away. So, focus on being suggestive instead of explicit. Start things small and subtle and take your time.
Your goal is to screw their brains out, but you?ll have a lot more success if you adopt a seduction mindset instead of a desperate-to-get-laid mindset.
Make It Safe to Say No
You want to get your partner to a yes, but it makes sense to start by giving them room to say no.
Back when my libido wasn?t doing so great, I used to shut down a lot of my husband?s attempts at getting me in the mood. I turned down things I would have really enjoyed, like sensual massages, flirty banter, and light foreplay. I didn?t want to create any sexpectations, and I worried that saying yes to those gave the impression I was saying yes to sex.
That only stopped when we had a clear conversation about it and he explicitly told me that he offered these things with zero sexpectations.
You should have a similar conversation with your partner, because it?s a lot easier to ramp up the seduction and move things forward when they?re receptive. And they?re more likely to be receptive if they know it doesn?t have to lead to anything if they?re not feeling it.
Increase the Foreplay
A big part of seduction is building anticipation, but you also need something worth anticipating.
Quickies are alright if you?re into them. But when you?ve been in a relationship for a while, it?s usually the long, extended bouts of pleasure you?re really looking forward to.
So, when you do have sex, make lots of room for the foreplay. Spend at least an hour on it and make the whole night just about fucking and connecting physically. Penis massages and pussy massages are great for this, but you can just use your hands and mouths on each other in as many ways as you want.
Do this at least every few times you have sex and you?ll leave them wanting a repeat performance.
Make Sex Playful
Suggesting you have sex isn?t super interesting. But suggesting you have fun, experimental sex can be enough to make your partner excited.
Look for new things to try out. Find a way to make sex a little bit more playful. Invent some naughty games to play. Do something neither of you have done since you were in college.
You don?t need to wait until you?re actually going to have sex. Just a simple ?Hey, you know what we should do sometime?? is all it takes. If what you?re proposing sounds good, your partner will be daydreaming about it (and you) for a while.
Start with One Thing
When there isn?t enough sex in a marriage, people often recommend scheduling it. That?s the number one recommendation I kept coming across when I wanted to fix my sexless marriage.
It seems to work for some people, but it just didn?t do it for me. I tried it and I just hated it. There are a lot of things that can make me hot, bothered, and very receptive to some sexual advances, but a calendar just isn?t one of them.
For me, the problem with scheduling sex is that it just focuses on the sex, not all the things that lead up to it. That?s why I think the better way to make your marriage sexier is to increase the seduction.
Instead of setting a date, you can just make it a point to do one seductive thing each day. You can shop for a more flattering outfit one day, do something thoughtful the next, and compliment the fuck out of your partner the day after that.
Soon, it will become a habit, you?ll start looking at each other differently, and you?ll fuck so often even rabbits will be jealous.
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