There?s a lot more to fingering than, well, fingering
Photo by: Andrii Zastrozhnov / Shutterstock
?I can make a woman come in five seconds, without fail.?
I was sitting in the passenger seat of his car when he laid that one on me.
It was our first date. We did a bit of flirting over MSN Messenger, I really wasn?t sure if I wanted to get serious with this guy. If he could fingerblast me to heaven, though, that might sway my decision.
So I agreed. ?Oh yeah? Why don?t you show me.?
He leaned over. I assumed he was going to kiss me, touch me, work his way up to it.
He unzipped my pants, reached into my panties, and inserted his fingers into me. I felt him bumping roughly against my G-spot.
The sensation was intense ? but not good intense.
There was no way this was going to make me come ? and definitely not in five seconds. But he had put his ego on the line, so I knew he wouldn?t stop until I finished.
So, after about ten uncomfortable seconds, I faked it to get him to stop.
I was right. It did help me make up my mind.
That front seat finger play went about as well as getting manual sex usually did at that point in my life. Other guys didn?t brag about how good they were, but their techniques weren?t much different.
I think the word ?fingering? confused them. They thought of it as just jabbing fingers in rather than playing around like you would when fingering a guitar.
A few guys had their hands down my pants, but none of them actually did anything that felt good, or even comfortable.
I tried to coach a couple of them, but they didn?t change anything. With others, I was too shy to say what I wanted.
But even if I could have overcome my shyness, I wasn?t exactly sure what I would have told them. I wanted their fingers on my clit, but I had no idea what should happen beyond that.
Thankfully, I?ve had much better experiences since then, and I?ve learned a lot about what feels good during manual sex and what just doesn?t work for me.
Why You Should Up Your Manual Sex Game
I see a lot of people promoting the many virtues of oral sex. Believe me, I?m in that camp. Getting eaten out properly is a fantastic way to spend an evening, and oral orgasms are often some of my strongest and most satisfying.
But I don?t want to discount manual sex. It?s not just a lesser form of pleasure. There?s no hierarchy here. If it feels good, it?s worth doing and incorporating into your sex play.
Another reason manual sex is sidelined is because it?s treated as a lead-up to the real stuff. It?s often spoken of as if you use your fingers to get things going, but once things are going, you dive into that muff or slip on a condom and go at it.
I can?t fault manual sex as part of foreplay. Done right, it?s an amazing way to warm your partner up. But it?s also really fun when the manual sex is treated like part of the main event, or even if it?s the entire point.
Getting manually stimulated until you come can be extremely satisfying and when it happens I rarely regret that we didn?t do any of the other stuff.
But mostly, when you treat it seriously, you have a way to switch things up and keep things interesting. Manual stimulation is a great way to start things off ? it?s also fun to throw in after oral or in between bouts of penetrative sex.
It?s also something I?m thankful my husband has practiced because it comes in handy when other stuff just doesn?t. Sex isn?t always predictable. Sometimes, penetration just isn?t quite getting me there or oral sex isn?t doing the trick. After I have sex, for example, I usually feel a little too numb to get off from some tongue action, but I can get more orgasms from finger play.
Manual sex isn?t just a junior version of oral, or something you mostly give up once you lose your virginity. If you have sex with people who have vulvas, it?s an essential skill.
Be a Tease
A lot of the manual sex advice I come across basically boils down to two things. First, figure out where the clitoris is and rub it. Second, figure out where the G-spot is and rub that, too.
Woah there, buckaroo. That?s moving a little fast.
I know I?m not alone when I say that I don?t want someone reaching for my clit right at the jump, and I definitely don?t want my G-spot to be the first destination (remember the first date I described above?)
Having my clit and G-spot stimulated feels fucking great, but only if I?m properly aroused first. And that takes a bit of work ? nothing onerous, but there?s got to be some build up.
The first step: teasing.
Build anticipation. Kiss your partner. Touch her almost anywhere but those orgasmic spots. Treat every surface of her body like an erogenous zone you want to gently stimulate.
Don?t rush for the goal, but make her feel like that?s where you?re heading. Squeeze her hips and her thighs. Run your fingers along the waistband of her underwear.
Slip your fingers down her panties and feel how warm she?s getting, but then slide them back out so you can touch her elsewhere.
When you?re almost ready, run your fingers across the labia majora (that?s the outer lips). By then, she?ll likely be breathing heavily, squirming slightly, and quite wet.
Now it?s time to really touch her.
Explore the Whole Vulva
Once you?re done teasing, you?ve got your fingers on her pussy, but it?s still not time to set up camp at her clit and start stimulating it non-stop.
For a lot of women, variety is much more exciting. When I?m aroused, being touched in different ways really excites me.
Yes, stimulate the clit, but don?t forget to stroke and play with the labia minora (those are the inner lips). They?re not a magic button like the clitoris is meant to be, but a smooth touch against them feels good.
Spread the lips apart with the thumb and index finger of one hand while stroking her with the fingers on the other.
You can also tease the vaginal opening, lightly touching around it.
No matter how familiar you are with her body, act like you?re curiously exploring the whole of her vulva. All the varied sensations it produces will be highly appreciated.
Only set up camp at the clit when she?s about to come. At that point, sustained stimulation is your best bet to send her into a climax.
Gauge the Sensitivity of Her Clit
Every woman really is different when it comes to sexual stimulation, and part of that reason is that clitoral sensitivity varies from person to person.
I happen to be quite sensitive down there, to the point where I have trouble using vibrators that other women utterly swear by.
You?ll have to gauge her sensitivity.
For some women, the more direct stimulation, the better. If you?re trying to make her come, rubbing the clit aggressively like you were scratching off a lottery ticket is probably your best bet.
If your partner is more sensitive, you might have to keep things gentle. I personally tend to prefer a light, slow, and sustained touch instead of a vigorous rub.
Your partner might even prefer indirect stimulation. If you don?t have a clit, you might not realize just how fucking intense it can feel when someone touches it. Sometimes, it?s just too intense. When it is, it?s often better to play with the clitoral hood instead of going straight for the clit itself.
If you?re trying to stimulate someone more gently, try placing your index and middle finger at either side of the clit and rub the sides of it instead.
I?ve even heard of one woman who prefers having her labia tugged gently and repeatedly, because doing that gave her clit a gentle pull. That was more likely to give her an orgasm than actually going near the clit.
Here we?re getting to the fingering part of, well, fingering.
Personally, I don?t like getting fingered before having my vulva nicely and thoroughly stimulated. I need a lot more physical preparation before it feels really good when a finger penetrates me.
Again, everyone?s mileage may vary, but in most cases, you?ll probably do quite well by treating fingering as the second course instead of the appetizer.
But I don?t want to make it sound like once you?ve slipped a finger in, you?re in there for good. It can be very pleasurable to have a finger go in for a few gentle thrusts and then pull out to stimulate the vulva and clit (remember what I said about variety?)
Let?s talk about numbers for a moment. More fingers isn?t always better. Start by using one finger. Once you?re doing that comfortably, you can probably insert a second one if your partner seems into it. But usually, that?s where you?ll stop.
Your partner might want three or four fingers. She might even want you to fist her. But those are the kinds of things that you will want to get a very clear go ahead before trying (and preferably have her suggest). In most cases and for most women, your safest bet is to stick to one or two.
You want your fingers to feel amazing inside of her, and they won?t if she feels uncomfortable or in some pain from being stretched out too much.
Again, don?t be afraid to explore. Like the vulva, there are a lot of parts of the vagina that feel good. It?s not just a G-spot and a bunch of numb tissue ? there are plenty of nerve endings you can stimulate.
When you do want to stimulate the G-spot, there?s an easy trick for it. You probably heard it a hundred times, but that?s because it?s a tried and tested technique. Assuming your partner is laying on her back (if she isn?t, just mentally rotate this move accordingly), insert one or two fingers (two fingers will be more comfortable for your hand, but using one is fine) with your palm facing up. Then, crook your fingers so they?re pointing upward and use them to rub that spot. (Most people seem to refer to it as a ?come hither? motion, if that helps.)
Unlock the Magic of the Blended Orgasm
Blended orgasm is just a fancy term for an orgasm that involves stimulating multiple erogenous zones at once.
It can happen when you?re licking your partner?s clit while rubbing her nipple. It can happen when you?re penetrating her anally while she?s getting herself off with a vibrator. And it?s also something you can give her using just your fingers.
For me personally, the biggest climax I get from manual sex is when I get a blended orgasm from a combination of G-spot and clitoral stimulation.
I don?t know if it?s a clitoral orgasm with some G-spot stimulation, a G-spot orgasm enhanced by some clitoral stimulation, or just two orgasms at once ? what I do know is that it?s huge and it?s satisfying.
After building anticipation, exploring the vulva, doing some penetrative play, and maybe even giving her a couple of smaller orgasms, you can turn things up by finding a way to combine both kinds of stimulation.
You can use the fingers from one hand to stimulate the G-spot while the others stimulate the clit. You can do it one-handed by fingering her with your middle and index fingers while rubbing her clit with your thumb. Or if you want to make this a joint effort, you can go at her G-spot while she works her own clit.
If you?ve got the patience and coordination to do it, the payoff could be an orgasm that?s hard to forget.
Lube Isn?t Just for Penetration
No sex tip is universal, but the one that comes the closest to working for everyone and in every situation is probably ?use lube.?
Fingering is the most obvious use for lube when giving manual sex. If you?ve teased, built anticipation, and worked up to her arousal, there?s a good chance you don?t need to add artificial lube ? there will often be plenty of natural lubrication already. But using some will still help your fingers glide in even more easily.
But my favorite use for lube in manual sex isn?t to help with penetration ? it?s to enhance the sensations that come with stimulating the vulva.
For this, too, you don?t need lube ? saliva or natural lubrication will work just fine ? but your fingers will give her extra pleasure if they slide along more smoothly.
Silicone-based lubes will give you great results without having to keep reapplying, but if you?re going to use sex toys, go with water-based instead.
Water-based might need to be reapplied as you go, but it won?t damage sex toys and if you plan on going down on her after using your fingers, you can use a flavored one. Because hey, why not?
Watching Her Masturbate Helps ? But It?s Not Enough
If your partner is comfortable with it, you can ask to watch her masturbate.
There?s a good chance she has it down to a science and knows exactly how to get herself off and get herself off fast.
By paying close attention to how she gets herself off, you can get a good sense of what works for her body, even if she doesn?t show you her favorite masturbation style.
Watch her to get some pointers, but don?t just copy what she does. Manual sex shouldn?t just be hands-free masturbation ? it should be an entirely different experience.
I know that personally, I can get myself off very quickly by stimulating myself in the most efficient way I know. Often, that?s how I?ll get off when I?m alone.
But if my partner went through those same motions, I?d feel a bit let down.
For one thing, when I?m masturbating, I don?t tease myself or build anticipation. I can?t surprise myself with my next move. But I love when someone else does those things to me.
And you know how you can?t tickle yourself but other people sure as hell can? Getting your slit stroked is sort of like that. It just feels different when it?s not your hand, and that means some things will be a lot more enjoyable when someone else does them to you, and others will be less.
So, watch how she pleasures herself, but also find out what she specifically wants from you.
Time Your Communication
There?s no universal setting when it comes to women?s bodies (there isn?t for men?s, either, but that?s a whole other subject). If you?re going to give your partner great manual sex, you need to find out what she prefers, not just work off a set of tips you read online. (Nope, not even the ones I?m sharing here.)
Ideally, you should communicate before, during, and after the act.
Long before you get started, you should get a sense of what she?s into, what she finds appealing, and what she really doesn?t want to try. If you?re in a low pressure situation, you can have a good and revealing conversation where she might just tell you everything you need to know.
That?s the ideal time for those big picture questions. Can she get off with G-spot stimulation? Does she have a hard time with digital penetration, or does she like using more than two fingers at a time? What?s her favorite way to get off manually? What?s something that turns her off instantly?
During sex, shift to checking in. If you can?t tell from her body language and the sounds she?s making, ask her if what you?re doing is working for her. Ask if it?s comfortable. Does she want you to go faster? Slower? Apply more pressure or less?
But be careful not to bombard her with too many questions. Sometimes, an orgasm can be challenging to achieve. I know I personally need full concentration to get there. If I have to answer a questionnaire or verbally fill out a checklist while I?m getting close, I won?t be able to come.
Save some of those queries for later.
Communication after sex is basically like a review session. If the pre-sex talk was big picture questions, this one is for specifics.
Ask what she enjoyed or didn?t enjoy. Find out what she would like you to repeat or do more of. ?When I used three fingers, did that feel good? When I angled my fingers sideways, your breathing got heavy ? is that something I should do again next time??
If you can communicate in all those different ways, you?ll know exactly what she likes instead of just moving your fingers around and hoping for the best.
Get Her Off
Everything I?ve shared here is a blend of what works for me and what I gather is the general consensus when it comes to female pleasure. I?m presenting it as tips ? as things you can try if you want a better shot at getting your partner off.
One of the common pitfalls I?ve encountered is the belief that you just need to have one technique. You just need to know that one move that will blow her top and you?ll be a manual sex god.
That?s the wrong approach. Instead, be curious and explore. Try different things out. Vary your technique.
If you can do that, you can give someone a real good time, even if you?re inexperienced. Effort really counts, so if you spend time, stay attentive, and really explore her body, you?ll be able to show her a good time.
The next time you use your fingers on someone, don?t treat it like a warmup. Instead of making her feel like she?s being prepped, make her feel like her pussy?s being pampered.
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