? and their penis.
Photo: Canva.com
My lover inquired about my fellatio skills recently. He had been in a longterm relationship with someone who did not enjoy giving head. And the partners that followed seemed to use the same technique. Tight at the base, rough on the balls, and lots of mouth pressure.
This made him curious about my approach:
?You seem to sense from the start that I needed a lighter touch. Was that what you are used to providing or is it different with each partner? Do you try different pressures and sense the reaction?
Just curious.
You change it up a lot and I enjoy it all. Then you find a rhythm that sends me over, it?s wonderful. BTW, when I?m in your mouth and you run the tip of your tongue up and down my frenulum, my toes curl!?
Here?s my response:
?I never assume that I know what someone likes. So I don?t approach sex the same with every man.
I am really good at feeling energy. I pay attention to body language. From our very first date I observed everything about you. I noticed that you zero in on one thing at a time. I also recognized that you resist relaxation, which can inhibit pleasure.
So I used what I observed to give you the experience that would allow you to relax into it. You held your breath a lot at first. Maybe out of habit. And also because you try to anticipate what?s coming. You do that a little less now.
I started slow because it felt like you?d be more responsive to that?
I am gentle when you?re soft. And I add more pressure when you?re hard. I pay attention to the cadence of your breath. The tension in your muscles. The spasms of your hips. I give you the kind of blow job your body requests. Not the one I think you should have.?
Blowjobs are not one-size-fits-all. And like all types of sex, oral sex is a skill that is cultivated over time.
I was not born giving good head!
In fact, the first time was terrible. I didn?t enjoy doing it. And although he climaxed, it wasn?t very good for him either. We were both pretty clueless about sex. So having no real experience to draw from, I did my best. Which isn?t saying much.
I?m happy to report that 30 years later my head game is pretty strong. And yes, I?ve got receipts! LOL See the above-mentioned note from my lover. So I thought I?d share some of my tried and true techniques with you.
Here are 10 easy tips for giving amazing head:
1) Start Soft
It?s not always possible to begin with a soft penis, but it?s nice when you can. I like to awaken my lover with my mouth on his flaccid penis. Feeling his arousal stir and grow in response to the warmth of my mouth is a turn on!
Plus, soft penises are more sensitive. When it?s soft you can take the entire penis in your mouth. Without the need to relax your throat.
Use your hand to massage and stroke, while you engulf the head with your mouth. Be gentle and go slow. You can increase pressure and speed as it grows erect. And trust me, it will grow erect.
2) Use your hands
It takes more than your mouth to give a good blowjob. You gotta use your hands too!
Wrap one hand around the shaft of the penis. So that you can stroke in time with the up and down motion of your mouth. Feel free to use varying degrees of pressure. Swivel and corkscrew around the shaft, keeping rhythm.
You can use all five fingers. While allowing your index and thumb (like the okay gesture? ) to control the pressure and stroke. Allow your free hand to roam and explore the rest of the body. Light tickles and scratches. Massage the testicles. Stroke the inner thighs. Graze the nipples. Optimizing sensation? everywhere.
3) Roll your tongue
A good blowjob is more than sucking. Your tongue should be rolling, twirling, and swirling the entire time.
Your tongue has the ability to take fellatio from good to great!
The non-stop, constant motion of your tongue coupled with the movement of your hands will create a barrage of sensation. All the while providing increased lubrication to the head and shaft of the penis. Trust me, this is a recipe for satisfaction!
4) Hollow those cheeks
While your hands and tongue are busy, your cheeks have a job too. Every now and again, hollow your cheeks, like you?re slurping a lollipop. Sucking the air out of your mouth in this way will create suction. Which will provide more pressure and sensation.
Let your partner?s response dictate the amount of suction. You don?t want to suck too hard, that would be no bueno.
5) Love the gooch
The perineum (a.k.a. gooch) is the tiny patch of skin between the testicles and anus on bodies with penises. On bodies with vaginas, the perineum is sometimes called the taint. And is located between the vaginal opening and the anus.
The perineum on all bodies contains a bundle of nerves. And you know what that means? Sensation.
For many, gooch stimulation can lead to stronger more pleasurable orgasms. But some people are also sensitive to being touched in this area. So how will you know if your partner is into it? Ask.
?May I stroke your perineum??
Just like that. If they?ve never done it before, go slow and check-in. ?Does this feel alright?? Pay attention to the way their body responds and reacts. If all is a go? rub, lick, stroke, and love all up on the gooch!
6) No Teeth
I have polled a gazillion people with penises over the years. And when asked, ?what makes a bad blowjob?? The answer is nearly unanimous? teeth.
When it comes to fellatio teeth can be a major mood killer.
A word to the wise, cover your teeth with your lips. Relaxing your jaw and breathing through your nose. This will provide a buffer between your gnashers and your partner?s family jewels.
Of course, there are exceptions to the no teeth rule. I once had a lover who actually enjoyed the sensation of having his penis bitten. Don?t judge me, he asked for it.
But unless otherwise instructed, keep your teeth to yourself.
7) Service the Frenulum
On the backside of the penile head, there is an elastic piece of tissue that connects the head to the shaft. This is the frenulum. You might notice that it?s like tissue that runs underneath your tongue (between the lips and gums). Same concept, different locale.
On the penis, the frenulum is a little slice of heaven. Super sensitive. Extremely responsive. And very pleasurable when stimulated.
Give this spot a lot of love!
I like to purse my lips together and lap at this spot. Then I curl my tongue up against my top lip, creating a little pucker. This allows me to rub the underside of my tongue, which is an nth warmer than the topside, on my partner?s frenulum.
Drives em? wild, every time!
8) Play Ball
The penis and testicles are a package deal, so don?t forget the balls! Besides, most people with penises love to have their balls tinkered.
You can take them in your mouth and hum a little. Lick them. Suck them gently. Cup them in your hands while you service the shaft. The possibilities are endless!
9) Give him the eye
Blowjobs are about pleasure and connection. So while you may be concentrating on the job at hand, pun intended, be sure to look up once in a while.
Your lover may be lost in the throes of pleasure, but they always take time to watch. Making eye contact will enhance the experience. This will allow your partner to see that you?re enjoying it just as much as they are.
10) Be enthusiastic!
This may be the most important tip of all. Be enthusiastic!
If you are not going to enjoy the experience, don?t do it. Seriously.
Pleasure is a symbiotic experience. It?s not just about your participation. It?s about how you take part. Going through the motions is not a good idea.
My lover recently said to me, ?I love how much you love sucking me!?
It turns me on to offer pleasure to my partner. And it gives my partner an opportunity to be a receiver. When his penis is in my mouth he has no other job but to feel good. He doesn?t need to perform or reciprocate. He can simply experience the pleasure that is being enthusiastically offered to him.
If you?re going to suck a dick, do it because you want to. Not because you feel pressured or obligated. This applies to all sex acts.
If you?re not a hell yes, it?s a no.
More tips:
- Breathe on purpose in and out of your nose? because your mouth will be busy.
- Make sure your own body is positioned comfortably. If you?re uncomfortable, you will not be able to relax into the experience.
- Pace yourself. Try not to do long stretches of the same technique. This will lessen fatigue.
- If your jaw gets tired, shift the focal point to your cheek (rather than the center of your mouth toward your throat). This will give your jaw a break while continuing to provide stimulation to the head of the penis.
- Don?t be afraid to slow down and switch up your technique.
- Placing a pillow beneath your lover?s hips will give you greater access to the balls and gooch.
- Finding your rhythm is important. And it will change depending on the level of arousal. Trust yourself and go with it.
- Your partner?s hips may begin to thrust automatically as the orgasm builds. If you begin to have a gag response, continue to use your hands and isolate your mouth to the head of the penis. This will prevent the penis from going too deep in your throat. If you are comfortable deep throating, disregard this tip.
- Use your words. Communication is key in every kind of sex. Be generous with your asks and be receptive to direction. Let your partner tell you what they like. If something feels uncomfortable for you, let them know. Keep the lines of communication open at all times.
Now go forth and give good head!
Stacey Herrera is a relationship-ing practitioner, jalapeo junkie, and chronic library fine payer. She?s also an Intimacy + REALationship coach residing in the Port of Los Angeles. Sign-up to her newsletter for updates.
Follow Sex in Real Life for more delicious posts like this one!
