It?s easier than you think!
image courtesy of Wikihow
So, you?re in high school and you think you?ve met the girl of your dreams. You don?t want to mess things up, you say? Well, you?ve come to the right place, as I?ve been where you are so many times in my past and said and done the wrong things enough to be considered a Rhodes Scholar on the subject. Do you want to get the girl? Follow this advice.
Approach with confidence. Nothing says ?don?t date me? louder than a total lack of spine. Check those feelings of self-doubt, no matter how strong, at the door. If confidence is generally a challenge for you, consider an accessory like a hard-to-place accent or freshly baked cookies.
Timing is everything! Attempt to catch her at a moment of weakness. Tears are your friend and your cue to enter. If you?re lucky, she will have just been asked out by a real loser who makes you seem cooler by comparison.
It is important that she is alone when you approach so you can have her undivided attention in case you decide to perform some magic tricks. Don?t perform magic tricks.
In all likelihood she will be surrounded by her girlfriends, who are like a pack of wild dogs. If they believe their friend is under attack, and they will, they will rip your face off. Bring raw steaks.
Don?t forget about hygiene! Any extra washing or positive aromas or sparkling teeth are a plus. Now is not the time to show off your acne or your new-found ability to grow a handlebar moustache.
Open with a compliment about her appearance. Don?t be too descriptive or graphic or overly verbose. You might very well be the next Shakespeare or soft porn director, but now is not the time to show off. Keep it simple and appropriate as if your grandmother happened to be around. Don?t bring your grandmother.
Make small talk. This is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate that you are down-to-Earth and normal. Ask her about something general and non-personal like school, music, or taxation.
Don?t be too subtle. It is okay to be transparent about how you feel in your comments. If you are aiming for actual transparency, consider opening your science textbook on a more regular basis. It may not be safe for you to be around other humans.
Tell her you like her and want to go out with her, but not in those words. Strike a balance between perplexingly vague and creepy.
If you have gotten this far, good job! You may now proceed and ask her out on a date. You may never know if she is truly into you or is using you as part of a detailed plan of revenge. But you probably don?t care.
Present a detailed date proposal analyzing the costs, benefits, and risks of plans A through H, then step back in anticipation of a standing ovation followed by a brief question-and-answer period.
With plans set, excuse yourself. Walk off slowly and proudly on a grassy field in the gleaming sun towards the horizon like a general returning from war. You are a hero and the things of which statues are made on.
