By refusing to give men head, I cheated myself out of pleasure.
Photo by Rafael Souza
I used to hate giving blowjobs. My distaste for them went beyond mere dislike. It wasn?t just that the feel of a penis in my mouth was uncomfortable, or the taste was bad, or that I feared a man ejaculating on my tongue. Putting a man?s penis into my mouth made me feel like I was being used. A blowjob?s purpose was only to make a man feel good.
So much about sex was already geared toward making men feel good. At least that was the only kind of sex I?d experienced at that point. From how fast guys sped from kissing to penetration, to how rough they liked to have sex, to how they didn?t seem to care whether I achieved climax or not, heterosexual sex focused on getting men off.
A man would never be considered a slut if he had too many sexual partners. He never had to wait around to see if a woman called him the next day. If she didn?t, he wouldn?t feel ?used.? He was allowed to have one-night stands.
So I refused to give more than I was already giving. I balked at getting down my knees to service a man with my mouth.
I wouldn?t. I couldn?t. I?d given enough.
Yes, my lovers could orally pleasure me, I just wasn?t going to reciprocate.
I?d have an orgasm and then forget about my man. I became a selfish lover.
I didn?t learn how to orgasm during sex until around age twenty. By then I had a lover who cared about me, and so I started to experience more pleasure from sex.
The problem was, because now I climaxed so easily and often during sex, I became the one who dictated when sex was finished.
Once I was done, that was it. I?d have an orgasm and then forget about my man.
I became a selfish lover.
After seeing how much pleasure my subs got out of submission, I decided to try it out for myself.
This sort of selfishness worked well when I became a dominatrix. For the record, I don?t believe all dominatrixes are sexually selfish. Once I learned how to properly dominate a man, I found topping necessitates compassion.
The dominant?s job is to please the submissive. It might not look that way, but it?s true. In a sense, being a top is being obedient to the submissive. The top leads the experience, but the goal is the submissive?s pleasure.
But I didn?t know this yet. I was just happy to have a job that allowed me to be so selfish.
Something happened the more I topped. I began to feel more sexual all around.
I started to watch porn where women played a submissive role. A switch went on in my brain. After seeing how much pleasure my subs got out of submission, I decided to try it for myself.
I loved it. I loved letting someone else take the sexual reins. I loved feeling like I was the center of attention.
The lights turned on in a part of my body that had been blacked out before. I realized how hot it was to give a blowjob.
I?d dress for the occasion. I?d put on a pair of thigh-high stockings, six-inch heels and a corset that cinched my waist. I?d wear a collar around my neck and do my makeup perfectly.
Then I would slink over to where my lover was seated in a chair, waiting for me. Dropping to my knees before him, I?d stare up at his face. I?d flutter my eyelashes seductively. He?d smile down at me, and then I?d unbutton his jeans.
Unleashing his member from his boxer shorts, I?d slide my mouth over it. I?d suck him energetically until he got so turned on he was thrusting into my mouth.
I realized that when I refused to give blowjobs, I was cheating myself.
I got off on the control I felt over my lover?s arousal. I felt pride in a skill I knew I?d mastered. I alone coaxed a man to climax with my lips. I aimed to impress. I wanted to get a man off better than any other woman could. My blowjob skills became a source of esteem.
My lover wasn?t the only one who received pleasure from the blowjob. Sucking him turned me on, too. I would be sopping by the time he came in my mouth. I would play with myself while I sucked, so I?d also be at the point of coming when he ejaculated.
I realized that when I refused to give blowjobs, I was cheating myself. I had no idea how gratifying it could feel to give pleasure that way. I?d denied myself this delight because my mind had been filled fallacies and lies.
The feminism I had ascribed to as a younger woman had taught me that to give head to a man meant to let a man oppress me.
I?d bought into the Puritanism and prudery of my parents? generation. I?d taken on the anti-sex attitudes that this country upholds. Blowjobs were dirty, and my early feminist views fit easily with that belief.
The reality was I was scared of men. I was scared of their power. In defense, I denied them pleasure and pretended I was a feminist. I didn?t realize that, as a woman, I was also denying myself pleasure.
I?ll never go back to believing going down on a man demeans me in any way.
I?ve learned that I love giving blowjobs. I?ll never go back to the way I used to be. I?ll never return to my prude version of myself when I refused oral sex to my lovers.
I?ll never go back to believing going down on a man demeans me in any way.
I?m finally the sexually liberated woman I was always meant to be.
