A List of Clever Jokes
Although most philosophers don?t really talk about comedy that much, there are some really funny things that have been said throughout the ages. In fact, according to the famous logician Ludwig Wittgenstein, ?A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.? I think he was kidding though. Then again, maybe not. Either way, the point is that I have heard some really good highbrow humor in my life. With that being said, I would like to share some of those jokes with you now. So, here goes nothing.
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What?s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don?t know, don?t care.
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Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.
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Why didn?t the wave-particle cross the road?
Because it was already on both sides.
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A Zen student asked his master, ?Is it OK to use email??
?Yes,? came the reply, ?But no attachments.?
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A mathematician and an engineer both took part in an experiment.
They were placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked lady.
The experimenter told them that every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician stormed off, but the engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
On his way out, the mathematician exclaimed, ?Don?t you see you?ll never actually reach her.?
?So what??, replied the engineer, ?Pretty soon I?ll be close enough for all practical purposes.?
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Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed?
Because when they find the position, they don?t have the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can?t find the position.
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Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
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A mathematician came home one night at 3 a.m. and immediately got an earful from his wife.
?You?re late!? she yelled. ?You said you?d be home by 11:45.?
?Actually,? the mathematician replied, ?I said I?d be home by a quarter of 12.?
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Entropy isn?t what it used to be.
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I?m reading a great book on anti-gravity.
I can?t put it down!
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Rene Descartes took a date to a fancy restaurant for her birthday.
The sommelier handed them a wine list, and she ordered the most expensive drink she could.
?I think not!? exclaimed Descartes, and *POOF* he disappeared.
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Did you hear the news about reincarnation?
It?s making a comeback.
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If you?re not part of the solution, you?re part of the precipitate.
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Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably.
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What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?
I like your ?style?.
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Monism is the theory that anything less than everything is nothing.
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A photon is going through airport security.
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, ?No. I?m traveling light.?
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A Roman walked into a bar held up two fingers and said, ?Five beers please.?
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Do you know the name Pavlov?
It rings a bell.
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Two behaviorists have sex.
One turns to the other and says, ?That was good for you, but how was it for me??
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Two atoms are walking down the street.
One atom says to the other, ?Hey! I think I lost an electron!?
The other says, ?Are you sure??
?Yes, I?m positive!?
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C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, ?Sorry, but we don?t serve minors.?
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What is the mind? No matter.
What is the body? Never mind.
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce the word unionized.
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Schrodinger?s cat walks into a bar.
And doesn?t.
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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one!
All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
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I just came up with a new word.
It?s plagiarism.
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One day Jean-Paul Sartre was at a cafe when a barista came up and asked him if he wanted anything.
Sartre said to her, ?Yes, I?d like a coffee, please ? with no milk.?
The barista responded, ?I?m sorry monsieur, we?re out of milk. Would you like it with no cream instead??
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Helium walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, ?Sorry, we don?t serve noble gases here.?
He doesn?t react.
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A woman comes home to find her string theorist husband in bed with another woman.
?But honey,? he says, ?I can explain everything!?
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A clear conscience is probably a sign of bad memory.
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A logician?s wife has a baby and the doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks, ?So is it a boy or a girl??
The logician replies, ?Yes.?
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
?Make me one with everything.?
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Two chemists walked into a bar.
The first one said, ?I think I?ll have an H2O.?
The second one said, ?I think I?ll have an H2O too?.
The second man died.
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A masochist said to a sadist ?hit me?.
To which the sadist replied ?no?.
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Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath?
He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of her time doing?
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Planck and Zeno got into a huge bar fight over a slight disagreement.
Planck won, but not by much.
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A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
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A programmer?s wife tells him, ?Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.?
He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.
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Did you hear about the mathematician who?s afraid of negative numbers?
She?ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
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What is the longest song in the world?
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
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There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don?t.
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Did you hear the one about the jurisprudence fetishist?
He got off on a technicality.
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How often do you like to hear jokes about elements?
Periodically.
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Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gdel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the other two men and says, ?Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it?s funny or not??
To which Gdel replies, ?We can?t know that because we?re inside the joke.?
Then, Chomsky says, ?Of course it?s funny. You?re just telling it wrong.?
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A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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Your mama is so classless that she could be a Marxist utopia.
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What did one chromatid say to the other?
?Stop copying me!?
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A renowned philosophy professor was held in high regard by his butler, who listened in awe as the philosopher lectured about the nature of existence.
Then, one day, the butler approached the professor and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one day. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the butler handled himself remarkably well.
However, when the time came to answer difficult questions, someone asked him, ?Is the epistemological description that you espouse compatible with a teleological account of the universeitself??
?That?s an extremely simple question,? he replied. ?So simple, in fact, that even my butler could answer it.?
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Zeno walks halfway into a bar?
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And that wraps up all the clever, even somewhat corny, jokes that I know. Hopefully, at least some of these left you in stitches, and not scratching your head. Also, if you know any other great quips or puns or anything else, then please feel free to share them in the comments section below.
Thanks for reading.
