And yet here we are?
Photo by: Roman Samborskyi / Shutterstock
When it comes to sex, I?m more of a taker. I was socialized and brought up to be passive and then dealt with chronic illnesses that left me with fatigue and sore joints. It all made me a bit of a pillow princess. But I still try to give what I can.
Yes, I?m talking about blowjobs.
My attitude toward blowjobs have fluctuated over the years. For most of my sex life, I?ve given them, but how I felt about doing it has changed drastically.
So, here is my journey from an indifferent maybe-on-his-birthday stingy blowjob giver to the fellatio fanatic I am today.
A Team Player
Before I put my lips around a cock, blowjobs terrified me.
I was well aware that this was a sex act people engaged in regularly, but I just couldn?t see myself doing it.
I couldn?t imagine being comfortable taking someone in my mouth.
But most of all, I didn?t know what I was supposed to do with it once it was in there. I was so sure I?d be terrible at it that I never offered one.
It didn?t help that I?ve been an unintentional size queen. Almost all of my boyfriends and hookups have been above average in length and some of them were above average in girth, too.
When I finally did try my hand (well, my mouth) at it, my fears came true. I was awful at it. I didn?t know what I was doing and I barely did anything. I just kind of put it in my mouth and moved my head a bit. It didn?t help that this guy had the biggest cock I?ve ever sucked.
I lasted all of 20 seconds before he pulled me up to have sex instead. He could tell I was struggling and took pity on me.
The next string of blowjobs were given to an abusive boyfriend. He seemed to enjoy them, but it was partly because he got off on making me do things I didn?t want to do, like swallowing.
So I went from a bad blowjob to something even worse. It didn?t leave me with a great opinion of them.
I watched porn, but it didn?t help. I get really turned off by women gagging, and at the time, I didn?t have any aesthetic interest in penises. So, as soon as a blowjob scene started, I figured it would just be too much spit, ruined mascara, and some frighteningly large rod at a close angle. Every time, I skipped ahead to the fucking or found a lesbian scene instead.
Things were better once I got married. My husband is respectful, communicative, and attentive. Sucking his dick should have been fun. But mostly, it was just difficult. He?s above average in both length and girth and my mouth has trouble accommodating him. I did what I could, but the results either made me feel inadequate (does licking down the side of the shaft really count?) or hurt my jaw.
I gave him head regularly because I?m an absolute sweetheart. I liked feeling like I was rewarding him for the great oral sex he gave me, but I didn?t really enjoy the act of sucking him off.
Over time, I started giving head less and less. It stopped being part of every foreplay session. Then it was only happening occasionally. Eventually, it became one of those things I might do on his birthday or on Valentine?s Day.
I knew he missed getting them more frequently. But neither of us knew it was about to get worse.
Crashing My Sex Drive
I?ve had a lot of hormonal problems over the years. There have been several symptoms, but one of them had been constant throughout: low libido.
Well, no, low libido doesn?t do it justice. It completely murdered my sex drive.
I lost all interest in sex. I wanted to have sex, but I couldn?t bring myself to physically desire it.
We would usually go months without sex. And when we did do it, it was because I felt some kind of personal obligation, not because I had a sudden rush of arousal.
Sex was tough. I worried constantly that I wasn?t giving enough of it. I wondered how long I could really keep a husband when I wouldn?t let him near my body during his sexual prime.
I enjoyed sex when we did have it, but it was difficult on me. It left me feeling drained, exhausted, sore ? and not in a good way. I was barely able to function the next day, or even longer.
And for a long time, I dealt with vaginismus. Instead of anticipating pleasure from sex, I could only expect pain. I routinely cried after sex. It was a bad scene altogether.
So, what does this have to do with blowjobs? Well, having sex had become fraught for me. Instead of a thrill, it brought about a mess of emotional and physical discomfort. It was something I?d dread. And that did not put me in the mood for giving head.
In other words, sex sucked, so I didn?t.
Writer By Day ? Blowjob Queen By Night
I had hit rock bottom in terms of oral sex, and I figured my blowjob days were over. I made peace with that. I told Mr. Austin to regulate his expectations. The only thing my mouth would be doing on special occasions is singing Happy Birthday.
But then I decided to become a writer.
One thing about me is that I have a dirty mind. Sex is very often on my mind, and it was even when my libido was dead. It?s a lifelong interest ? not something that switches on and off based on my mood.
So, even though my sex drive wasn?t revving, I still spent my days typing out page after page of erotica.
I wrote fast. I wrote a lot. But I hit one little speedbump. The blowjobs.
I just couldn?t bring myself to say anything interesting about them. I could barely get 200 words on the page for a blowjob scene, and the ones I did manage to type weren?t terribly arousing.
So, I did what any good writer would do. I did my research.
I started thinking about blowjobs a lot. I read every article that promised 7 Tips to Give Your Man a BJ He?ll Never Forget or to teach me How to Suck Cock Like a Pornstar. I watched porn, and not only did I not skip the blowjob scenes, I looked up blowjob-centric videos (and I got good at figuring out which ones would have gagging and which ones would be a lot more gentle).
I studied them closely so I could figure out how to describe them in ways that were evocative. I wanted my readers to really feel what the characters were feeling. I wanted them to imagine either getting or giving an amazing blowjob.
I don?t know if it worked for them, but it definitely did work for me. I got turned on writing those scenes. Thinking about blowjobs turned into fantasizing about blowjobs.
Writing erotica helped me get my libido back. And writing those scenes had me reaching for my husband?s cock more regularly.
This time, I wasn?t doing it to be generous. I didn?t do it because it was his turn. I did it because I wanted a dick in my mouth.
Turning Things Up
I only got more obsessed from there.
I kept watching lots of blowjob porn featuring cute amateurs whose mouths all seem more capacious than mine. But this time, it wasn?t just research. It was recreation.
I watched those videos in part to pick up on some tricks or moves I could try at home. But mostly I watched because they were making me hornier and hornier.
I loved watching those women work their magic. I loved seeing those guys express absolute pleasure. And I just couldn?t wait until all the kids were in bed and I could try new things out on Mr. Austin.
I got a lot better at giving head. Not that I?m a master of the craft or anything, but I?ve become better at reading my husband?s cues. I can tell when he wants to be licked or when he wants to be inside my mouth. I can tell if he wants me to focus on using my lips or if he?d rather I work two hands.
And I am deriving real, genuine pleasure from it. It?s to the point where I almost can?t decide which one of us enjoys the blowjobs more. If my husband goes down on me while I suck him off, I am almost guaranteed a show-stopping level 3 orgasm because of how much it turns me on.
I thought that would be the end of it. But then I decided to order a dildo to engage in some fun threesome roleplay with Mr. Austin. I like being with two people at once, and I wanted to get a sense of what it?s like to get double penetrated. But mostly, I keep thinking about incorporating oral sex in that roleplay.
I never imagined I?d be the kind of girl who wanted to suck on a dildo. But the heart wants what it wants.
Giving Makes Sex Amazing
My extended bout of low libido made sex a lot less interesting for me. So, when I did have sex, I focused exclusively on my pleasure. It was hard enough to muster interest in receiving it ? I really couldn?t bring myself to give it, too.
But after engaging in my little research project and discovering how much joy I can get from giving head, I?m realizing that I was missing out on a really important part of sex.
Sex was always pleasurable. But it was never as good as it could be because I didn?t really know how to get enjoyment out of giving pleasure. That was partly because I was too self-conscious about whether I was doing a good job to actually enjoy myself. But it was also because I went into it thinking it wasn?t supposed to be fun ? not for the one on the giving end, anyway.
My newfound appreciation for giving pleasure has brought a kind of balance to my sex life. Instead of making it about two people trying to get pleasure from the other, it?s about giving and taking and just enjoying the entire experience.
I know it sounds like a strange thing to say about blowjobs of all things, but learning to love them has made my sex life so much hotter and more pleasurable.
Now, sex feels like a way to create and express a mutual connection, not just a way to get off.
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