[Potential NSFW Content. Read at your own risk.]
Welcome back to Gentle FemDom Life. This topic was inspired by the many messages I?ve had to send explaining my unique perspective in the BDSM/FemDom community. TL;DR ?
Girl Doms are very diverse and derive power from a wide range of activities. Don?t assume you understand what she wants to hear until you look really closely.
Here?s the rub. Assumed-Male-Dominance does funny things to girls who want to break the mold. ?Role reversal? is used as a one-size-fit-all term, but it doesn?t really work that way. Reversal of which role?? There are many.
My poorly designed Gender vs. Power matrix
The old assumption was that a female dom reversed the roles by getting on top in bed and choking her boyfriend and whatnot. But that?s only one piece of the puzzle. If he?s still the one buying her dinner and spoiling her on Valentine?s day, did they really reverse the roles? Not really.
?Chivalry?, someone pointed out to me, is a great example of this. Dom or sub, it seems that it?s always the man?s responsibility to be chivalrous. Why is this? Doesn?t it seem like that should be part of ?role reversal? too? If you?re on a date with a Girl Dom, how many of these ?male-responsibilities? remain exactly same and how many are ?reversed?? It?s unclear. And traditional FemDom doesn?t seem to have these answers for us.
Whatever you?re into, there?s someone on the opposite side that?s looking for someone like you. As an atypical girl-dom myself, I had to work extra hard to find people who shared my beliefs on this. (But it?s possible ? and it?s worth it!)
Without further ado, let?s explain my loose type-casting of Girl Doms you?ll encounter online.
The Dominatrix
The Dominatrix is the kind of classic FemDom we see in mainstream BDSM. She?s leather-bound and scantily clad, wearing pointy heels she?ll use to step all over you. They want to be served and worshipped. She is a Goddess. Untouchable. You are Not Worthy and she?ll make sure you know it. They?re into making grown men scream. They?re into complete and total physical and spiritual domination ? and they?ll make you pay good money for the opportunity.
They aren?t very choosey about who comes under their service because it?s more about a personal power-trip. (And often, an income). They aren?t looking for a man to date (you?re FAR from worthy), they?re looking for doormats to step on. If you want to be one ? behave.
These ladies have a way with tools. Paddles, whips, floggers, swings, machines, anything you can dream of. They usually work with older grown men so they aren?t about to hold back.
Only problem is?they?re usually fake. These characters were invented for the male gaze, leather-clad bombshells willing to spank any man with enough cash in his pocket to pay for her time. There isn?t much in this narrative that appealing to real women. In porn, it?s usually a bunch of nude babes surrounding an old ugly dude forcibly jerking him off until he cries. (Why are they so entertained? Why are they so naked and hot? And why are there so many of them? C?mon dude, at least arch your back!!) The whole dynamic is, ironically, very male centric. Men invented it. And women took up the role because it was in such high demand. The ones who really do this are often older since this is a very traditional form of FemDom.
?Where do I find these women?? FetLife.com or public events. Some might even have their own business cards, websites, porn channels, etc. These ladies are PROS.
?How do I know when I spot one?? Her profile will likely be about me me me ? stuff she wants/likes and how you can help. Her posts/interests might mention shame, worship, CBT, pain, forced submission, forced bi, etc. Y?know, rough hardcore stuff.
?How do I approach them?? HUMILITY AND GOOD MANNERS!!!!! She?ll expect to be treated like royalty from the first moment. Treat her like the literal Queen of England. Sometimes they require ?tributes?, some kind of payment, before even saying hello. Follow her rules. If you aren?t sure what they are, learn.
Onto our next type.
The Princess
The Princess is a more common, more exploratory kind of FemDom. She?s probably a switch. She probably spent most of her years as a bratty sub but got addicted to the thrill of power. She?s girly, sweet, and acts like a traditional ?girlfriend? in a way. But she?s sadistic. She?s evil. She?ll butter you up and then bite your arm off. They don?t hold back. Because their role is not of a caretaker. Their man is still their caretaker. They like to push their man?s buttons and force him to do all kind of crazy shit for her so she can truly test his obedience. ?Buy me ice cream!? ?Tie my shoes!? ?Carry my bag!? ?Eat me out until I cum 5 times! At least!!? She?s bossy. But she?ll reward you with kindness and sweetness. ?Aw, now that?s a good obedient boy!?
These girls are still figuring themselves out. They may not have all their marbles together. They?re not quite feeling ready to lead with 100% confidence yet. They want to play around. (Because they trust you to handle all their fluctuations and rescue them if they goof up.) For that reason, they usually go best with guys who are more masculine and self assured in their daily life but are willing to spoil their dommy brat girlfriend and cede control in the bedroom. Give her space to explore.
?Where do I find these women?? Tumblr, Instagram, Reddit, the niche pockets where young people hang out. They?re probably lurking all over other fandom-based media, unrelated to kink. Nerd girls are kinky. Just trust me on this.
?How do I know when I spot one?? They?re outspoken, opinionated, demanding, and like to be spoiled. They might identify as a switch, but they certainly do seem to like power.
?How do I approach them?? Princesses usually feel more comfortable when their man has more experience. They like to feel safe exploring and going as hard as they can without fear of hurting their partner. Be gentlemanly, sweet, approachable, boast your qualifications for why she should trust you. Try taking the conversational lead at first and offering her some ideas. If you buy her the paddle, she?ll use it.
Next type!
The Mommy
Ah yes, the Mommy Dom. Popularized on Tumblr, these ladies are a lovely alternative for gentle boys who don?t like Dominatrixes. She?s soft, loving, supporting, comfy, and safe. Unlike Princesses, Mommies are perfect for nervous boys who need guidance and care. Fierce protectors and givers and lovers. You know?like mothers. They?re all about praise praise praise. Praise to the point of embarrassment. ?You look so adorable when you blush like that, my pretty baby boy. Am I making you flustered? You poor little thing, come into my arms and let me touch you in all the right places.?
Mommies are true leaders. They establish power through their care, making you melt at their sweet touch. Emotional submission is the name of the game. They get you so love-drunk off their flowery words and suggestions, you can?t help but follow all their orders.
Mommies like soft-boys. Angelic pretty boys who prefer to play a more feminine role in a relationship. She?ll buy you flowers and lingerie and say ?well, aren?t you the cutest little gumdrop the world has ever seen! What a good good boy you are, Mommy is so lucky to have a boy like you.? It?s not always about looks. It?s about behavior. Do you like the idea of being spoiled like a little puppy dog and cuddled every moment of the day? A Mommy Dom is for you.
?Where do I find these women?? Tumblr.
?How do I know when I spot one?? They will call themselves ?Mommy?. Their interactions will be lovingly condescending and make your heart explode into a million butterflies.
?How do I approach them?? Look nice! Be a snack! Make yourself worthy of spoiling! Give her something to compliment you on. Send a photo of you wearing a cute sweater and ask her how it looks.
Last but not least?
The Executive
Executives are the least kinky, but arguably the most powerful. She?s charming, humble, & sweet as a peach, but an immovable object in and out of the bedroom. Leadership runs so deep in her veins, she doesn?t need to wear a strap-on to do it. Dominance is not a kink, it?s her entire life. She?s a type A, overachiever, democratic authority in every group she enters. Modest, caring, and supporting, she shows her power when she puts others before herself. She doesn?t like to be worshipped. She?s not looking for sexual servitude. She doesn?t need to be told she?s a Queen and a Goddess. Because she already knows.
Here?s why Executives are funny. We see these traits on men all the time. The most successful CEOs are like this. Good fathers, husbands, partners ? male doms have learned that true power is about being classy and staying humble. If you push too hard to prove your dominance, you?re obviously compensating.
Women haven?t gotten here yet. In general, women have to work harder to prove they?re worthy of power, so they need to fight hard and sometimes be a bit of bully. (And sometimes men like girl bullies. See: Dominatrix.) Most Girl-Doms are also hesitant to let go of the pleasures they enjoy as the ?Fem Role? (being the pretty one, getting flowers, not buying their own drinks, etc.) Executives, however, are so confident in their dominance, they?ve adopted the complete opposite approach, so much so that it?s almost come full circle. ?Don?t belittle me with your handouts and flattery. What can I do to support you??
Executive Girl-Doms are basically everything we expect a good Guy-Dom to be. Except, yknow, they?re female. It shows how differently we perceive the same traits to be when they?re presented on different kinds of people.
Y?know how guys effortlessly and naturally pay for their date?s dinner and get on top in bed as if it?s so obvious, it wasn?t even worth discussing? As if their dominance is considered completely unremarkably default unless otherwise stated? If a lady does this, you?ve got an Executive.
?Where do I find these women?? These are our societies? entrepreneurs, athletes, politicians, & glass-ceiling-smashing leaders who never had to cry victim to be taken seriously.
?How do I know when I spot one?? Do you already feel emasculated and all she did was smile? Ding ding! The less she talks about herself, the more Executive she is.
?How do I approach them?? Give some background about yourself and ask a lot of questions. Pique her interest with respectable facts about your life. Approach her like you?d approach anyone! But don?t get cocky. You?ll lose.
In Conclusion
All people are different. Just because her profile says ?Domme? doesn?t mean you have any idea yet what she likes. Did you learn which type is best for you? Look out for some of these cues so you can better narrow your efforts and find ladies you?ll be compatible with!
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