Explaining Hollywood to James Woods (You’d think he’d already know this…)

?You?re out of the Woods. You?re out of the dark. You?re out of the night??

Former actor and failed Twitter user, James Woods, emerged from his unnatural habitat (the woods) to announce that he?s upset.

I know. I too am surprised a mild-mannered psychotic nincompoop like James Woods is upset, despite the millions of tons of evidence showing he?s always been perturbed.

James Woods took time away from his busy schedule of scouting local Quinceaeras for future girlfriends who are near or reaching puberty, to point out he can?t get acting work.

The reason?

Because HOLLYWOOD, liberals, cotton-candy-supply-manufacturers, comic book fans, people who enjoy movies, Olympic ice skaters, cats, bicycle enthusiasts, bass players, anthropologists, and people who own Hall & Oats albums ? are all conspiring against him to keep the public 100% James Woods free.

Although James does mostly blame this on Hollywood and liberals.

So, let?s start with ? James Wood?s agent quit by telling James Woods,

?Hi, James Woods. You don?t know me but I?m your agent. That?s how far I?ve fallen in this business. I?m four levels below people who represent clowns that perform at children?s parties. Oh, I have spiraled down to the bottom and then spiraled through that bottom to another bottom that nobody knew existed. Also, by the way, I quit. May GOD have mercy on my soul?.

Or words to that effect. I really don?t want to spend the time looking it up? just assume that?s exactly what he said.

That?s one reason James Woods doesn?t get work. Not having an agent. Not even having the possibility of having an agent. Many actors will tell you this will work against you.

Also, let?s talk box office. Guess what, James Woods, I?m here to inform you that to be a successful movie actor you have to inspire people to want to see you in a movie.

I don?t know why you don?t know this. I think it?s because you are insane. I?m almost sure I am correct.

Let?s look at Chris Pratt. If Chris Pratt systematically came to all of our hometowns across the US to hit all of our parents with a closed fist, we would probably still go see him in films. He?s entertaining, naturally funny, and capable of moments of sincerity and relatability that draw us into his characters.

James, you appeal mostly to spiders. They feel like you?re one of them. To them you?re relatable. They say ?Oh, that James Woods is just wonderful for someone with only four limbs!?. But they don?t buy movie theater tickets. They don?t buy Blu-ray versions of the movies they see. They get to watch stuff for free. It?s a good life being a spider, except for the having to have sex with other spiders part.

So, no James, it?s not the ?liberal elite? keeping the world a place where projects attached to James Woods do not exist,?

it?s you, buddy.

Clint Eastwood is such a terrifying Republican that he has angry conversations with empty chairs where he rants about Obama. (I swear I?m not making this up. Look it up on YouTube? it?s scarier than ?The Exorcist?). And yet Clint Eastwood does just fine in Hollywood, doesn?t he?

He sure does, even though he?s a freaking lunatic. And this is because he delivers. People give him money to do film things and he makes them more money. That?s Hollywood.

Oh, James, had you filled those empty seats in all those empty movie theaters that once had the misfortune to feature a movie starring James Woods, we wouldn?t be having this discussion.

A sentence like ?Hey, you want to go see the new movie starring James Woods or would you rather be covered with biting red ants?? doesn?t really inspire people to invest millions of dollars in bringing James Woods to a theater near you.

Also, there?s a new law that states that ? the same way you?re not allowed to yell ?FIRE? in a movie theater because it causes people to flee and stampede in a panic, it?s now also illegal to yell ?JAMES WOODS? in a movie theater because it causes people to flee and stampede in a panic.

So, ATTENTION JAMES WOODS ?

If you?re desperate for work I am willing to hire you on an hourly basis, personally, if you?d allow me to throw stuff at you. Nothing heavy or sharp, I?m not a maniac? Just, like, wads of wet paper towels, or an egg, if it?s around breakfast time. You just have to kind of stand there quiet and motionless without reacting. If you want I could film it if that?ll make you feel better.

Let me know because I?m very excited about this project and I?m eager to get started.

Written by Steven W. [email protected]