Did you know James Monroe was the first president to ever receive a dick pic?
As you no doubt heard yesterday, the president has a mushroom dick. But is this and ?Yeti pubes? really a new low in American politics, or just run-of-the-mill stuff for the presidency? There was only one way to be sure ? round up everything we could find about presidential dicks.
While Washington may have been the father of our country, he had no children of his own. Many believe this was because that cherry tree of his was never erect to begin with: Yes, it?s quite possible that Washington suffered from either impotence or sterility.
Despite this deficiency, he would go on to have a most phallic monument in D.C. His dick would become the subject of a controversy in Muscogee County, Georgia, too: In 1999, the superintendent of Muscogee County schools was convinced that in the famous painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, it looked like Washington?s limp dick was hanging out of his pants. In reality, this was just George?s watch fob, but the administrator was so convinced it looked like a dick that he ?had teachers? aides spend two weeks re-painting by hand more than 2,300 fifth-grade textbooks,? reported the Austin Chronicle. On top of that, the publisher got wind of this and edited the image in future versions of the text.
Poor George. Had he not been emasculated enough already?
Everyone knows that Jefferson had a bunch of kids with his slave Sally Hemings, but that?s not his only contribution to presidential penis history. When French naturalist Comte de Buffon speculated that the American climate would affect our dick size (and that Native Americans were basically impotent), Jefferson stood up for our big American penises and even defended the dicks of our Native people. Though Native Americans were no doubt grateful for this, they probably would have been more appreciative had Jefferson and the other founding fathers not stolen all of their land first.
Monre was the first president to receive a dick pic, or at least, an etching of a dick. Early in his presidency, our fifth president received a gag letter congratulating him for becoming ?The President of the Baltimore Shithouse Cleaning Society,? which was signed by a Mr. Jeremiah Jinglebolloc, a pretty hilarious pen name even by 1800s standards. Within the letter, the author wrote, ?I hope you will accept my old (i.e. cock),? and along with that passage, was a drawing of said cock.
John Tyler?s dick is significant because it created more kids than any other ? 15 in total, and maybe even a couple of kids with his slaves for good measure. He was still having kids into his late 60s, and amazingly, two of his grandchildren are still alive today. Pretty remarkable for a guy who was otherwise completely unremarkable.
James K. Polk
Polk suffered from urinary stones as a teenager and had to undergo an operation to remove them. According to the historical site Erenow, ?with nothing more than brandy for an anesthetic, the future president was strapped naked to the operating table with his legs hoisted high in the air. Dr. McDowell bored through the prostate and into the bladder with a medieval-looking tool called a ?gorget.?? While the operation was state-of-the-art by 1800s standards, it left Polk?s polker sadly sterile and impotent.
Despite his unparalleled place in American history, the ol? log splitter has surprisingly little to contribute to presidential peckers. Some think he was gay, but that?s highly disputed and seriously lacking in credibility. He also may have had syphilis, but maybe not. The most Abe?s got going for him in this area is a number of penis positions that are named after him.
James A. Garfield
As far as we know, Garfield?s dick was fine. Not fine, just, you know, normal. The reason why he gets a mention here though is because his killer reportedly was suffering from ?phimosis-induced-insanity.? Phimosis is a condition where tight foreskin can?t roll off the head of an erect penis. As Americans, we tend to blame a lot on our presidents, but I?m pretty sure that this wasn?t Garfield?s fault.
The walrus-faced Grover Cleveland isn?t a president that would have fared well in the #metoo era. While stories about his affair and the child he fathered out of wedlock have been around since he first ran for president in 1884, the details have only been made more clear in the last few years. To put it briefly, Cleveland basically forced a woman to go out with him, got her drunk, date raped her, got her pregnant, then forced her to give the kid to an orphanage and had her locked up in an asylum. So perhaps he earns a spot here simply for being a dick.
Warren G. Harding
What Harding lacked in presidential greatness he more than made up for in vulgar letter writing. While Harding?s scandals and affairs have been known for decades, only in 2014 did his extraordinary ability in smut-writing come to light. To share just a few quotes that Harding wrote to his mistress:
?I hurt with the insatiate longing, until I feel that there will never be any relief untilI take a long, deep, wild draught on your lips and then bury my face on your pillowing breasts.?
?Wouldn?t you like to get sopping wet out on Superior ? not the lake ? for the joy of fevered fondling and melting kisses??
?Jerry came and will not go, says he loves you, that you are the only, only love worthwhile in all this world.?
Who?s Jerry, you?re wondering? Oh, that?s just Harding?s name for his dick, to which he refers over and over again. Here are some great Jerry quotes:
?Wish I could take you to Mount Jerry. Wonderful spot. Not in the geographies but a heavenly place, and I have seen some passing views there and reveled in them.?
?Jerry ? you recall Jerry, whose cards I once sent you to Europe ? came in while I was pondering your notes in glad reflection, and we talked about it. He was strongly interested, and elated and clung to discussion. He told me to say that you are the best and darlingest in the world, and if he could have but one wish, it would be to be held in your darling embrace and be thrilled by your pink lips.?
If only presidential tweets could be this poetic.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Given that he was wheelchair bound, one might wonder if FDR?s little commander-in-chief could stand at attention, but it seems that he could definitely get it up, especially if you were a cousin of his. Despite the fact that his wife ? a fifth cousin ? tended to the polio-stricken president by giving him enemas and putting a catheter in his penis, FDR has numerous affairs throughout his life, including one with his secretary and possibly another with a sixth cousin.
Harry S. Truman
As far as we know, this haberdasher-turned-president seemed to keep his Little Boy in his trousers, but he does have a place in presidential dick history, as one of his presidential letters contained the word ?penis.? While people complain when President Trump calls the press ?the enemy of the people,? Truman ? among others ? offers up some precedent for presidential name-calling: He used to refer to the press as ?intellectual prostitutes? and denounced their manipulation of the public.
In an excerpt from one of these letters, Truman writes: ?These men are prostitutes of the mind ? they write what they do not believe for sale? In my opinion they are much worse and much more dangerous than the street walking whore who sells her body for the relief of a man whose penis is troubling him.?
Zing! Good one, Harry.
Ike may have been impotent, but we?re not sure. Also, his head kind of looks like a penis. Just sayin?.
John F. Kennedy
?I suppose if I win ? my poon days are over.?
This is a real quote from JFK in the fall of 1960. If you?re wondering how the hell Kennedy could possibly say a line that sounds like it came from Pootie Tang, that?s because ?poon? is an old Navy term for sex. Go figure.
A lot has been written about JFK?s promiscuity, from his famous tryst with Marilyn Monroe (which may or may not have included his brother), to prostitutes being supplied for him by mobsters, to his STI, to his famous quote, ?If I don?t have sex every day, I get a headache.? But there may also exist, or perhaps did exist, pictures of JFK in the buff. Apparently JFK was so sex-crazed that his nonstop dalliances weren?t enough: He?d also take photographs during sex and employ his Secret Service agents to go frame the pictures, which allegedly included photos of his girlfriends? genitalia and even himself wearing nothing more than a mask.
If that?s not salacious enough for you, we also have a description of his dick, as supplied by one of his mistresses. She described the great lothario as being a ?fast shooter [with an] average size, uncircumcised penis with a crooked slant to the left.?
If you?re still not satisfied, there?s also about 500 books on the subject of the adventures of JFK?s dick.
Lyndon B. Johnson
Long before Louis C.K. was doing it, LBJ would whip out his dick on unsuspecting people all the time. One account tells of a reporter asking why America had troops in Vietnam, to which Johnson cleverly replied, ?That?s why!? as he pulled ?Jumbo? out of his pants. (Jumbo was Johnson?s name for his Johnson, and by all accounts, it lived up to its moniker.)
Johnson liked to skinny dip, which also was a pastime of John Quincy Adams and Theodore Roosevelt. Unique to Johnson, though, was his habit of making people watch him take a shit as they took dictation. He also held a nude news conference, customized his shower to spray him at dick-level and there even exists an incredible tape of his giving directions to his tailor to leave plenty of room in the crotch area.
Man, Nixon loved to call people cocksuckers.
Apparently, Ford and Kennedy had another position in common outside of the presidency: According to legend, both of them received a blow job from the same German spy.
Carter?s dick leaked, which does sound kind of right.
How the White House staff is treated is known to vary from president to president, depending on each president?s level of personal douchiness. For Reagan, apparently he was so gregarious with them that they often would avoid him so as not to risk talking to him for hours. That wasn?t the only way that he took his chumminess too far, though: He often read the paper in the buff. In other Reagan penis history, he also had a few UTIs while president, and underwent prostate surgery.
Long before his presidency though, apparently Reagan was especially proud of his personal stamina. While filming the 1950 film Louisa, Reagan dated the actress Piper Laurie, and according to her account, ?He made sure I was aware of the length of time he had been ?ardent.? It was 40 minutes.? Despite Dutch?s endurance, Laurie said she wasn?t satisfied, to which Reagan replied that she should go to a doctor because he ?definitely knew how to satisfy a woman,? then presumably went into a lengthy explanation of trickle-down gratification.
Bubba might have herpes, which shouldn?t surprise anyone who has ever heard of Bill Clinton. While he may not have had quite the mob-supplied hookers that JFK did, even Gerald Ford believed Clinton was a sex addict.
Because so many people have seen Clinton?s penis, it shouldn?t be too surprising that there may be conflicting accounts of its appearance. Paula Jones, who alleged Clinton exposed himself to her, described Clinton?s skin sax as being ?about five inches long, [with] the circumference of a quarter and [it] heads off at an angle.? However Lewinsky and Clinton?s doctor disputed the detail about the curve.
Former Miss Arkansas Sally Miller said that Clinton?s manhood ?performed well but it was a little-boy penis that just never quite grew-up,? though she added that he was multifaceted in bed, which made up for his diminutive dick.
Also, while we?re on the subject, we can?t not bring up the blue dress stained with his semen.
No Apologies Necessary – Comedy Central Presents (Video Clip) | Comedy Central
Wanda Sykes calls Clinton an idiot.
George W. Bush
Despite the 43rd president?s newfound hobby of painting himself in the bath, we have yet to receive a penile self portrait, but we certainly can dream. Can?t we? The only dick-relevant Bush stuff out there was about this dude, who hacked his own dick off and blamed Bush. Then there?s also Will Ferrell, who jokingly shared a photo of Bush?s weapon of mass destruction during his Broadway show.
Brian VanHooker is a contributing writer to MEL and the co-creator of Barnum & Elwood. He last wrote about all the places you can?t legally swear.