Am I Ugly Because I’m Black or Am I Just Ugly?

Am I Ugly Because I’m Black or Am I Just Ugly?

Teenage girls are insecure enough ? adding internalized racism to adolescence is a recipe for disaster

Image for postNowshad Arefin ? Unsplash

?Nose job?

?las vegas plastic surgeon?

?Black nose job?

?Nose job cost?

?How old do you have to be to get a nose job?

?African American nose job?

?Ethnic rhinoplasty?

With tears streaming down my face, I hastily typed those phrases into Google. It was a couple of days before my 17th birthday, and I couldn?t fathom looking as I do for another solitary second. Too black.

Image for postLuis Galvez ? Unsplash

My mind is colonized. I will be the first to admit that. Any distaste I have for my personal features comes from the brainwashing millions of black Americans face their entire lives: black is ugly, white is not.

Ever since I was a little kid, I equated beauty with whiteness and lighter skin. Being bombarded with a sea of white actresses in nearly every show and movie and all the heartthrobs being solely white men will do that.

Google images seem to agree with me. You don?t get black people included in the initial searchings for ?beautiful ___? until you add ?black? to the search engine.

Google search: ?Beautiful woman?

Image for postSource: Google Images

Google search: ?Beautiful black woman?

Image for postSource: Google Images

Google search: ?Handsome man?

Image for postSource: Google Images

Google search: ?Handsome black man?

Image for postSource: Google Images

Google search: ?Cute girl?

Image for postSource: Google Images

Google search: ?Cute black girl?

Image for postSource: Google Images

Google search: ?Cute boy?

Image for postSource: Google Images

Google search: ?Cute black boy?

Image for postSource: Google Images

As I?m moving into adulthood, I?m struggling to deduce how many of my insecurities stem from a place of internalized anti-blackness and how much of it is just general insecurity. I mean, teenage girls are already insecure enough. Adding internalized racism to adolescence is a recipe for disaster.

I spend countless hours looking at myself in the mirror, crying because I couldn?t stand my traditionally broader African features. To this day.

And the most sickening thing about it is that I know I?m not alone. That hurts because believing you?re ugly or unattractive is not a natural state of being. You either have to be told it by someone else straight up or look at your surroundings and why you are the anomaly.

Image for postpixabay ? Pexels

I don?t remember at what age I began to realize that I wasn?t considered beautiful by society?s standards, I just intrinsically knew I wasn?t. How can young black girls and other young girls of color feel they are beautiful when ?beauty? doesn?t look anything like us?

It is nearly impossible to not fall into the trap of comparison. Meaning you see someone else that you think is beautiful, and you then conjure up all the reasons why you?re not.

?My hair isn?t long and straight like hers; I must not be beautiful.?

?My nose is flat and wide while hers is long and narrow: I?m not beautiful.?

Perhaps the most ironic thing about all of this is that it?s now become trendy to get plastic surgery to emulate what myself and so many other black girls have hated about ourselves for years. Nothing twists the knife of self-hate more than seeing the people who bullied you as a kid for your big lips or wide hips run off to Mexico to get butt injections or botched lip fillers.

And when stealing aspects of blackness goes ?out of trend?, the implants can be removed and the lip fillers can be dissolved.

I wish I could wrap this up with a nice ?I?ve entirely decolonized my mind, and I?m beautiful despite looking the exact opposite of the ?standard,? but unfortunately, I?m not there yet.

I don?t know when I?m going to feel better about myself.

Everyone has their insecurities; it?s a part of being human. I don?t know if I?ll ever be able to 100% unlearn and reject the genuine dislike for my facial features due to being racially conditioned to do so.

I don?t know.

. . . . . .

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Solr Bean is a freelance writer and an always-exhausted college student. A Las Vegas native, she lives with her mom, dad, little brother, and Malcolm- the needy schnauzer. She?s been writing for five years about politics, various social issues, race, relationships, dating, and mental health. She is currently a top writer in the ?BlackLivesMatter? and ?Racism? categories on Medium! Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.

An Injustice!

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