My sexuality matters too.
Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash
Statistically, things aren?t easy for sexually submissive straight men. A 2014 study into the preferences of FetLife users revealed that 20,443 males identified as either submissive or slave, while only 10,401 women were dommes/mistresses.
From my experience in the London kink scene, I can?t imagine that these figures have changed much. Submissive men don?t often have the opportunity to be choosy about their partners and there?s a reason that so many female dommes charge for their services: they are in high demand.
?House mistresses? are a common occurrence at fetish parties. These are dominatrixes who you can expect to meet and, if you are lucky, play with when you go to certain events. I have never been anywhere with ?house masters? ? there simply isn?t a need for it.
Where there are house mistresses, you can expect to find submissive men. Sometimes these men are in relationships, but I have spoken to a few who tell me that they more-or-less exclusively find their sexual fulfillment at these events.
So I get it. As someone whose sexuality is driven by a need to submit, I really do understand how difficult it must be when you are so limited in options and outlets.
But that does not mean I am happy to put you over my knee and spank you.
I was asked to do this by a submissive man at the very first fetish party I went to, late last year. He followed me around for most of the night even though I was clearly an anxious mess (I literally threw up from nerves ? but that?s another story). I was not exuding the confidence of a woman who is ready to grind her heel into the small of a man?s back and tell him what a little shit he is. Which was what my new ?friend? was after.
Of course, I don?t expect people to understand my sexual orientation just from my body language (although, c?mon, take a hint). So I told him flat out: I?m a sub. I don?t get off on dominating people. In fact, it makes me pretty uncomfortable.
I even told him that I was at the party with a partner, who was a dom. I pointed at him, hating myself for having to bring a man into the picture just to assert that I was unavailable to do something I really didn?t want to.
It didn?t make much of a difference. He was not going to be deterred. I could only assume that, having been unable to find a dominant woman to entertain him, he had decided any woman at all would do. Even if she was uninterested, un-eager and feeling a bit sick.
This wasn?t an isolated incident.
A couple of years ago I was in a relationship with a man who often asked me to ?take control?. He wanted me to hold him down, slap him and humiliate him. I gave it my best shot ? but wound up in tears, completely frustrated by my inability to give him what he wanted or to enjoy trying. It didn?t help that he was unwilling to compromise and fought my attempts at dominance every step of the way.
Essentially, it wasn?t for me ? and the experience traumatised me enough that it is not something I am keen to try again, especially with a stranger at a club.
I have also been forced to disappoint several submissive men online who, after exhausting all other possibilities, message to ask if I will be ?mean? to them or let them ?worship? me. I empathise with their plight ? but I am not willing to sacrifice my sexual enjoyment for the cause.
I have a friend who is familiar with the problem. Unlike me, she is a domme ? and a lesbian. This was stated on her FetLife profile: she is looking for other women. And yet she tells me that a majority of her messages came from straight men asking if she would top them. My friend became so bored with this behaviour that it was one of the reasons she deactivated her account.
It seems that these men have the astounding ability to parse a women?s sexuality until it looks how they want it to. My submissiveness is tossed to the side, as is my friend?s preference for women. What we like and enjoy is of little consequence.
The results, as I?m sure you can imagine, aren?t fun for anyone.
I know the numbers are skewed.
I know submissive men struggle to find partners more than submissive women. And I don?t think there?s anything wrong with occasionally trying your luck. But please recognise when enough is enough ? sometimes this will be when a woman?s profile states ?I?m not interested?. Sometimes it will be when she turns you down on a night out. Sometimes it will be when she has just vomited and needs space, not just from you, but from every human in the room.
You deserve sexual fulfilment. But you?ll never get it until you acknowledge that she does too.