Several Things I Strongly Dislike

Some of which are even things some people love

Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash (Berlin, Germany)

I don?t know why we?re all so preoccupied with positivity

?and ?lists of things we love,? or why we?re all so seemingly skittish of writing ?things we don?t.? Is it our obsession with positivity? Our play-pretend game ? Our denial, shame, or aversion to negativity? I don?t know.

But let?s be real right now: we all dislike things.

Inspired by Amy Schumer?s essay ?Things That Make Me Insanely Furious? (#15. ?watercress?.) Sally Holmes wrote one for Elle. Drew Edwards wrote one. Rachel Z. has one.

Things I dislike (roughly in ascending order of how much I dislike them, least to most)

• French manicures on toenails (WHY! Quit being weird, you weirdos)
• People who are adamant they?re a certain MBTI type (always xNxJ) that they?re very clearly not.
• Airbnb?
• Jam bands. Actually, not even jam bands ? whatever ? but mostly jam-band fans, and even more than that, jam-band dancing. (*shudder*)
• The gym
• Most fresh-cut flowers, esp. baby?s breath, roses (which might as well be made out of polyethylene for how ?over-done? they are), and orchids (high-maintenance prissy things they seem.) Flowers I like: ones that are still outside, especially magnolias still on trees.
• All artificial flowers, especially when they?ve been around for more than 1 minute and have started to collect decorative dust plumage. Kill me.
• Surface space. My dream home has, like, zero surfaces (you think I?m joking, but I?m not) because I just cannot deal with dust. I hate it.
• Knick-knacks, kitsch, and ?decor.? (Can we just not? Can we just stop and, instead, just not?)
• Travel?
• That pale-pink ?dusty rose? color (and in fact most pinks, purples, pastels, reds, as well as a few outliers like beige and cornflower blue, but especially that dusty rose pink.)
• The phrases ?it is what it is,? ?brain fart,? and ?I could care less,? the last of which is clearly misspoken.
• The sensation of having wet hair (which is truly remarkable because I used to be a swimmer and, based on what every roommate and every partner, ever, has told me, am terrible at drying my hair after a shower.)
• Strands of Christmas lights in any place other than outside and at any time other than Christmas. Bonus hate points for calling them ?fairy lights? or something equally dumb.
• Motivational quotes.
• Podcasts. WHY ARE THESE A THING?? I barely like listening to my actual friends ramble on about nothing. Imagine how I feel about strangers.
• The short ?a? sound (as in ?bad.?) It sounds like a damn sheep bleat (baa) or some angry little old lady (?ehh?!!?)
• Clothing shopping. Shopping is a horrific (albeit rare) bane of my existence and every time I have to do it (i.e., all 72 ?free return? Amazon Prime Closet orders fail me), I wonder all over again why the hell do we put up with this? The entire concept of clothing shopping is just total and complete nightmarish garbage, so inefficient (hangers? dressing rooms? the completely mindless organization, so clearly orchestrated to appease general boredom rather than intent (i.e., ?I need a blue dress?) or even something simple and sensical like ?size? though let?s be honest it might as well be, because all sizes are different) and such a shameless and embarrassing vomit-spread of shit clothing that it makes me want to slit my own wrists all over these poly-blend mark-ups. My hatred has nothing to do with body image issues and everything to do with the total SHIT SHOW that is today?s clothing shopping situation. The sooner we stop tolerating this, the sooner we can all move on as a society.
• When you clip your floss just slightly too short but you don?t wanna waste it so you try to make do and end up re-wrapping it, increasingly saliva-slipping, around your finger after each tooth.
• Miscellaneous foods that include but are not limited to: cream or jelly-filled donuts/danishes/etc (actually, it?s pretty much all donuts/danishes/pastries, just especially the cream or jelly filled ones), all corn, most potatoes, Nutella, frosting, caramel, most candy, all soda and most sweet drinks, syrup of all kinds and sauces we don?t realize are mostly sugar (i.e., ketchup, salad dressings, etc.) Pasta like 90% of the time, pasteurized cheese, processed foods, and frise lettuce can diaf.
• The fact that 99% of craft beer tastes like straight up syrup (see above)
• I don?t always really understand the point of ?friends? and ?friendship?
• Most women?s clothing (which is different than shopping), including but not limited to: shitty fits (especially those ?solved? by the use of elastic at the waist), cheap fabric, articles that tear after one wear, 1?2″ heels, polka dots, ruffles, pearls, pleats, empire waists, A-line styles, cap sleeves, short sleeves, shapeless, ?droopy? or otherwise unstructured knits (like those oversized, open-front, buttonless sad sacks people try to pass off as ?cozy cardigans?), sitting in short shorts, and MFing maxi dresses, whose swallowing shapelessness and swish-swish ?wrapping? sensation ?round the ankles makes them so annoying to wear I?d almost rather go nude.
• Flip flops, except within like 10 yards of a body of water
• Overbearing foyers, crown molding, and, to a lesser extent, granite counter tops in homes. Not so much because of these things in and of themselves ? whatever ? but because of the connotations they?ve come to hold (i.e., who?s into them) over time.
• When the person behind me in line at the airport bumps into me more than once. The first time? Totally fine! It happens. No worries. But if it keeps happening, I?m gonna wonder what the hell is wrong with you.
• When I gesticulate too wildly while talking and smack someone who?s walking behind me. I recently did this not once but twice at a restaurant, spilling part of a beer and nearly taking out a cheesecake that two different servers were carrying. And, yes, this definitely makes me the asshole. Even I was wondering what the hell my problem was.
• Snifflers, i.e., people who need to blow their nose. I recently read (groundbreaking!) research that suggests women perform worse on tests in cold temperatures, and men perform worse in warm ones. But in all my years of experience taking tests, I?ll tell you that the test environments I perform worst in: sitting next to ?snifflers.?
• Obnoxious sneezers. Not just loud sneezers or ?repeat? sneezers (who haven?t figured out the PRO TIP of blowing their nose and are instead content to act like helpless assholes, like ?welp, guess this is my life now.?) No, worse are sneezers who do the ?jowl shake? like a damn dog, and ?squeak sneezers? who whimper ?omg that?s just how I sneeezuh!? Please stop.
• Las Vegas. (No, Las Vegas. Just no. Take a seat.)
• Menthol ? e.g., the smell of eucalyptus and the taste of mint
• The fact that Starbucks is out of spinach feta wraps about 40% of the time I order one
• ?Good? coffee. People always think my issue is because it?s ?pretentious,? and whatever, I guess that might be part of it? but mostly the issue is that the acidity levels light me up with ?notes of wild-blossom and caramel? heartburn at 8 am, and I just wanna go home and drink day-old Folgers with your gramma. So leave us be.
• Those few, fine hairs on the bony part of your ankle, which I either fail to shave or inadvertently knick off entire filets of flesh while trying.
• When you?re sending someone a gif but they send a message before it goes through and now it?s all out of sync and looks dumb and way less funny.
• When someone trying to amp up a crowd says ?I can?t hearrrr you!? and then repeats ?are you ready to [whatever it is you?re about to endure]?!?!?
• ?Free? shit, especially raffles. I would rather spend a day at the DMV or the dentist than have my name or number called during a raffle. Just let me army-crawl under these tables or feign suddenly having to vomit. Anything to not do what we?re doing right now.
• Carpooling. You wanna ride shotgun with me, that?s fine ? we?re leaving when I want and not a minute sooner or later, so if that?s cool with you, then sure hop in. But lawd help us both if, in some mad lapse of judgment, I agree to ride with you. Because it?s allll fun and games while we?re on the same schedule and I get to fuck with the radio, but the minute I want to leave and my ride doesn?t and I have no other out is the minute I surrender all semblance of reasonable conduct? One of my personal hells is when I arrive alone and then later tell the group I?m leaving (?bye guys! getting an Uber!? or something) and some well-intended ?friennnnd? does the whole ?omg, I?ll give you a ride!? (which: ?oh god no?) and then doesn?t get up to leave for another three, ten, twenty minutes, leaving me standing there, smiling in pain and sweating, having an internal meltdown in my effort to be ?polite? until I can?t take it anymore and suddenly snap, bolting to the door. I?d rather pay 5x surge Uber rates. I?ll take a bus. I?ll walk. Sometimes I just run. (Literally; for real.) But in any case: this is part of why I Irish Goodbye. And drive alone. If you?re gonna offer, just kill me now ? gut me and let me bleed out in this foyer; it would be more merciful (for both of us) than me waiting.
• ?Process? and talking about it, esp. when used as a roadblock (?but!? they interject anxiously, ?What?s The Process!?!?!? as though to imply no forward movement can possibly be made without It All Defined.)
• When people don?t realize that process (or ?planning?) is a DIRECT impediment to making progress and rolling things out.
• Call quality, because it?s usually total shit and what year is it?? Every single bad call I have, ever, (and even some of the ?okayish? ones, let?s be honest) reminds me of that scene in Juno where she can?t hear the person on the other end and shakes her ?hamburger phone? to fix it. Except in real life they?re pretty much all ?hamburger phones?? and none of them are fixed by shaking.

Things I USED to hate, but actually like now (?)

• The band Queen. I used to cite Queen as my least favorite band of all time. (Blame it on obnoxious 90s sports stadium playlists and stupid, snotty-nosed kids, which together became my only (unfortunate) connotations for We Will Rock You and We Are The Champions and omg, pls no.) Thankfully, I moved past it, though it did take about 30 years. I?d like to say that it was the 2018 feature film Bohemian Rhapsody that did the trick, but that would be a lie, because in fact it wasn?t ?the film,? but specifically Rami Malek who won me over. (That, and the 2006 feature film The Break-Up starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, whose soundtrack, especially the opening credits, laid a bit of groundwork.)
• Mayonnaise. Dudes, say what you will, because I get it. I used to hate mayo ? and anything made using it as a primary ingredient (looking at you, pasta salad) ? with the fiery passion of a thousand suns for pretty much my whole life. But then I started researching nutrition and realized holup, wait. actually, it?s ketchup that?s total garbage, and given that I eat eggs a lot anyway, mayo ? which, just to get you up to speed if you?re not, is made from egg yolks (and, despite being high-cal as a result)? actually ain?t half ?bad.?
• Getting my hair cut. It took me most of my adult life to realize it was the anxiety of feeling trapped in the chair and having to pay them for the torture of small talk, and I was in my 30s before I realize ?not talking? is an option available to me, a few more years to figure out how to successfully hint at it, and a few years more than that to figure out how to control the conversation so I didn?t have a total meltdown. I used to regularly leave haircuts braced on a very precarious edge of tears ? not because I hated the cut (I didn?t give a shit), but because I hated the experience so much. Now I leave just ready to move on with my day, which is, to say the least, a huge improvement.

Things I DON?T hate that most people seem to(?)

• The word ?moist.? (Omfg literally who cares?? But perhaps even more importantly, what word are you using to describe things like: ?good? cake, ?good? soil, washcloths that have been wet but then wrung out, the disposable towelette used to wash your face or hands or a baby?s butt, a dew-covered garden in early morning or the depths of a forest floor?? And, as an aide, do you also make up aversions to other simple English words like damp, dank, clammy, sticky, wet, spread, hard? What is your deal and why can?t you human? MF moist.)
• The TV show The Big Bang Theory. (Um, just don?t watch it? I mean, I don?t care for professional wrestling but I don?t stomp around saying so?)
• People who ?floor it? at green lights. (Oh, sweetie. I am one of ?those people? and if you don?t understand or appreciate the simple joy of feeling a piece of machinery respond to input in this way then frankly I feel bad for you.)
• Licorice.
• The dentist.
• Humidity. (Love.)
• ?Bad? coffee. (I don?t need a production. Just let me move on with my day. Damn.)
• Traffic. (Please, tell me more how you can?t deal with normal, everyday life.)
• Mornings and getting up early.
• Work.
• Other people?s snoring. (Whatever. Wear ear plugs.)

Wanna write your own?

Great! Go for it.

Want my opinion on how to write a ?good? list? Awesome. Here ya go:

THE RULES

Should you choose to write your own list?

1. You absolutely MAY NOT include any of the following: rude people, stupid people, loud people, loud noises, bad drivers, slow walkers, spam emails / calls, mosquitos, long lines, commercials / ads, papercuts, the sound of nails on chalkboard, bags of chips that are mostly air, when a website won?t let you use it until you sign up, forgetting your password, when people in public places violate personal boundaries in particularly gross ways / when people are oblivious to how much space they?re taking, and other people clicking pens. Why can?t you include these? Because everybody hates these, so saying you do too is boring as hell.
2. Don?t be boring as hell.

Bonus points:

• Include at least a few things most people like (or even love)
• Don?t be too whiny or hateful
• Be a little self-deprecating
• Be at least a little bit funny, at least once, if you can.

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