Even if you?re a beginner
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I?ve been exploring a lot of control play with my husband lately. We started off slow and eased in carefully because BDSM was kind of intimidating to both of us.
Until we started experimenting, I didn?t appreciate that domination exists on a spectrum. I sort of had this idea that you either wanted to be paddled hard and left in a cage or you were just completely vanilla.
So, I picked completely vanilla and tried to make sex as interesting as I could without veering into any kind of kink.
I wish I had realized there was a middle ground, because giving up control to someone I trust wholeheartedly is one the most exhilarating and satisfying things for me to have sex.
It?s been a very interesting discovery for me, but it?s been a fairly easy one. Exploring my submissive side does involve some care and thought on my part, and I do my best to be an active participant even when my wrists are cuffed, but mostly I just have to surrender and let it happen to me.
Things were more challenging for Mr. Austin. Exploring his dominant side involved a lot more work. He?s the one who has to take control from me and set the scene without pushing too far past my limits. He has to figure out the right things to say and do to make me feel compliant and completely taken care of.
Half the problem is that he didn?t even know where to start. How do you dominate your partner without being domineering? What can you do to get your partner in the right state of mind and keep them there?
If you don?t know where to start, here are some of the ways we started exploring. If you want to see if all this control play stuff is for you, give some of them a try.
Spanking is a nice way to exert some physical control over your partner. A firm slap against my ass can send a lot of great feelings coursing through my spine and make me feel like my husband is taking charge.
Make sure you take the right approach to this. Harsh slaps can be painful and your partner probably won?t enjoy them if they just want to be dominated (there?s a difference between submission and masochism).
To give a good, pain-free spanking, make sure your partner is aroused first. Spanking can be part of your foreplay, but it works best when it?s not the first move you pull out.
And don?t go rough right away. Start by groping and gently tapping your partner?s ass. Think of it as prepping their ass for what?s to come.
Once you?ve worked up to it and they?re ready for more, give some firm slaps, but make sure you aim for the fleshier parts. A firm clap against the bottom of the butt cheek can feel really intense, but the same force applied at the top can just be painful.
I?m into having my hair pulled, so much so that I sometimes do it to myself when I?m getting off really well.
But it took me a long time to get into it with my husband. The idea of him grabbing and pulling my hair was hot, but the execution, not so much. It was almost always too painful.
Then, he learned to do it right, and it changed everything.
The key to pulling your submissive?s hair is to realize that it?s not about causing pain ? it?s about exerting control over them.
Don?t just grab anywhere. Make sure you?re gripping the hair close to the root, either at the top of the head or behind it. That will let you hold their head in place, tilt it up, or push it down without hurting them or pulling out strands from their scalp. (Here?s a good tutorial if you want to make sure you?re getting it right.)
Learn Your Dominance Language
Domination has a lot to do with attitude and setting the right kind of mood. Sometimes, hearing the right dominant words can give me a huge rush. It can make my heart beat faster, it can make my breathing go heavy, it can make me feel flush with warmth.
You don?t need a whole script. Sometimes, it just takes a few simple words to take your partner there.
Some of the phrases that have lit my submissive heart on my fire have been the shortest: ?Don?t make a sound,? ?I?m taking over,? and ?Good. Fucking. Girl.?
Find the language that suits you. Think of simple phrases that convey that you?re taking control away from your partner but that they?re completely safe in your hands. Go for equal parts forceful and reassuring.
Restraining your more submissive partner is a really good way to give them what they need. It?s hard to feel like you?re the one in charge when you can?t move some parts of your body.
I?m now the kind of person with a set of under-the-bed restraints that can strap my wrists and ankles into place, but I started off with just a pair of silicone handcuffs. And before that, with the simple pleasure of having my hands or wrists held down while I was getting fucked.
Don?t start with the heavy duty stuff like a set of ropes. Keep it soft and comfortable at first. Fuzzy handcuffs or padded straps are great options, and silicone cuffs are nice if your partner wants to try something they can get out of themselves.
Or you could always DIY it with stuff you have at home. Bind your partner?s wrists with a light scarf or use a couple of shirts to tie them to the bed frame. If you find it?s something you like, then you can invest in something a little more fun and convenient.
Edging doesn?t have to be a dominant move. It can just be a good way to give your partner (or yourself) some really strong orgasms. But if you bring the right attitude to it (and maybe a little bit of dirty talk) you can make it about taking control of your partner?s pleasure.
When you edge them, you bring them close to orgasm and then stop before they can have the satisfaction. It?s a frustrating thing to go through but in a fun and playful way (as long as you know you?ll get off in the end).
By edging your partner, you put yourself in charge of when they have an orgasm. You can deny them that pleasure for as long as you deem fit. You?ll bring them tantalizingly close and then pull it away before they can have the satisfaction of a climax.
Do it long enough and you?ll even have them begging you for a release. Just make sure you reward their patience with a really powerful orgasm and a few words of praise.
Find Your Sweet Spot
These are all good ways to explore control play while keeping the domination on the lighter side. If you try it out and find out you?re into it, though, it doesn?t mean you have to go any further.
This could be your first step into a wild and kinky life. But you might also discover that the light stuff is your sweet spot.
So, talk about it beforehand, make sure you?ve got your partner?s enthusiastic consent, and go spice things up.
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