He?s mysterious ? but not in a sexy way
Photo by: Dean Drobot / Shutterstock
Are you in one of those relationships where everything feels a little bit off?
Like, you?re dating but it sometimes feels a bit too casual to even call it that.
You feel like things are moving fast in some ways (he got in your pants on the second night) but too slow in others (he hasn?t said how he really feels about you).
You keep wondering what his deal is.
It might be because you?re dating a player.
A player?s a guy who will show some interest in you, maybe to the point of seeming like he?s committing to you, but is secretly seeing other women at the same time. Or you?ve made it semi-official, but he?s still looking and keeping all his options open.
Dealing with a player is frustrating. While he?s kind of faking commitment with you, you?re investing in the relationship for real. In the end, you?re throwing a lot of love into something that just won?t go anywhere ? because he doesn?t want it to.
After it?s over, you?ll be left with a broken heart and not much closure.
If you?re dating a player, it?s better to find out early and call things off before you get in too deep. Here are some of the things to watch out for.
His Words and His Actions Don?t Add Up
He talks as if he wants to be in this for the long term. He heaps on the lovey dovey words and pays a lot of lip service to being ready for more and wanting to settle down.
But he doesn?t act like a guy who?s willing to settle down.
No matter how many boyfriend texts he sends you, he?ll still act mostly like a fuckfriend.
He?ll be hard to pin down. He?ll have no problem leaving you on read for days once in a while. When you try to move the relationship forward, it?s like he takes a step back.
But the next time you?re with him, it?s all the same shit about being ready to start the next chapter of his life (just not with you, apparently).
He?s Mysterious (But Not in a Sexy Way)
Even when you have long conversations, you don?t feel like you?re getting to know him.
You feel like you should have a better idea of who he is after dating him for a few weeks. But he?s still one big question mark.
It might seem weird at first because he does talk about himself. But the more you think about it, the more you realize that he mostly does it in really vague terms. He loves saying things that sound deep but don?t really mean a whole lot. The rest of the time, it?s all superficial stuff.
It?s because he can?t be vulnerable with you. Or rather, he doesn?t have a good reason to be. Why would he put his heart on his sleeve and risk a little embarrassment to connect with you more intimately when he knows it?s not going to last?
His Moves Are Generic and Feel Performed
He does and says a lot of the right things but there?s something a little stiff about them.
That?s because his moves don?t really come from the heart. They?re probably things he?s seen in movies or picked up online.
They?re also the same moves he?s used ? and is probably using ? on a lot of other women.
Because he?s being performative, he doesn?t have a problem going over the top. He?ll drop lines like ?No one?s ever made me feel like this before? long before you?re feeling anything close to that. He?ll say ?You really get me? even though you feel like you barely know him. And he might look into your eyes and say, ?I don?t see myself forgetting you any time soon? as if it doesn?t low-key imply that he won?t stick around.
And that?s if you even get any words. A lot of times, you might just get emojis implying his heart?s fluttering or he?s got butterflies for you (really, he?s just hoping you?ll fill in the blanks so he never actually has to say any of the things his emojis are suggesting).
And the timing often feels off. He?ll say something that?s meant to be sweet or sexy, but you can?t figure out why he chose that moment to say it. It feels like it comes out of the blue.
That?s because they?re tactics, not sincere feelings ? they?re things he?s saying because he hopes it will rope you in or turn you on.
He Doesn?t Do Labels
?Let?s just enjoy each other. I don?t see why we need to put a label on it.?
He?ll make it sound like it?s just a matter of principle, but it?s really just his way of being opportunistic. Because a label means accountability. If he?s your boyfriend or you?re in a committed relationship, then you can voice your concerns, you can expect him to be there for you or reassure you, and you can call him out for his crappy behavior.
But if you two aren?t really official, you?re just? Whatever? Then you can?t really hold him accountable because he never actually agreed to anything.
Every player realizes sooner or later that this kind of thing works. As long as he acts like he?s in relationship mode (at least sometimes), most women will give him the perks that come from being committed. So, he plays house while he?s still playing the field.
Because he won?t label what you have, he?ll probably do a lot of flip-flopping. Sometimes, he?ll act like you two are in a serious relationship. Other times, he?ll act like you?re barely friends.
It will seem really inconsistent at first, until you clue into the fact that he really wants all the benefits of being with you without having to put anything in on his end. The reason he seems to flip flop is because he wants to have a girlfriend but he doesn?t want to be a boyfriend.
He Rubs It in Your Face
Players like to brag about the other women they?ve been with, or the ones they could be with.
He?ll get weirdly cocky about how irresistible or sexy he thinks he is. And he?ll like to prove it by bragging about the women he?s fucked before ? especially the pretty ones.
He likes to show them off like trophies ? because that?s what they are to him.
And it?s not just the details of his conquests that he likes to share ? it?s his number. Some players will keep their number to themselves or downplay it, but a lot of them like to drop it, especially if it?s high. He?ll mention it kind of smugly, too, as if it quantifies his worth or proves that he?s a high value man.
He Tries to Sabotage the Relationship
Rubbing his other conquests or prospects in your face is just one of the ways he?ll be sabotaging the relationship.
He?ll also break promises, stand you up after a few dates, leave you on read constantly, and stop giving you much aftercare when you have sex.
Because players don?t really end relationships. They blow them up.
The best outcome for him is that you decide you?ve had enough. You start a tense conversation that turns into a fight. You decide that you?re through with him and kick him out of your life.
That way, he can be free to move on and focus his efforts on other women without needing to have an honest and vulnerable conversation with you.
It also plays into the narrative that you?re crazy. Oh, by the way, have you noticed that most of his exes are crazy? That?s his explanation for having dated so many women and never managed to have a real relationship with any of them.
That narrative (or one like it) is important to him. Not just because he wants you to ignore his relationship patterns (what you have is special, remember?) but also because he needs it to protect his ego.
He doesn?t want to be the guy who?s heading into his 40s and is still scared of commitment. He doesn?t want to face the fact that he?s still spinning his wheels well into adulthood instead of getting some stability in his life.
So, he sabotages the relationship. That way he can tell himself that he tried ? it?s you who couldn?t handle it.
He Really Wants You (And Everyone Else) to Know What a Great Guy He Is
Because his actions are usually disappointing, a player tends to rely on his words instead.
He wants to paint a flattering picture of the kind of guy he is. That way, when he stands you up, instead of getting mad at him, you?ll just be confused. You?ll think it?s so out of the ordinary because he?s a man of his word and he really values people?s time.
Well, he said he did anyway.
And that?s just it. After a while, you realize that a lot of the great qualities you believe he has were just things he told you about himself, not things you saw in his actions.
He wants to control the narrative, so he?ll spend a lot of time talking about how great he is. He?ll tell you that he?s just a really loving and caring guy. He?ll find opportunities to mention that he?s a nice guy (or better yet, that other people say he is).
No matter how he behaves, he?ll still keep puffing himself up. Because he likes to tell instead of show.
He Bugs You for Nudes
Not every player I?ve been with does this. It might depend on how hard they lean on the ?nice guy? thing. But some do.
Now, full disclosure, I?m into nudes. I love taking them. I love receiving them. It makes me feel kind of cute if a guy I like asks me for one. And if I?m into him, I always hope he?ll offer to send me a dick shot.
But there?s a difference between asking or playfully suggesting it and pestering for some.
If your guy?s a player, bugging you for nudes might be an almost daily thing.
But it?s not because he?s horny and would love to get off to a shot of your tits (well, not just that). It?s because he knows your relationship isn?t going to last. He won?t get to see your great ass for much longer so he wants to collect a photo before it?s over.
And like I said, players collect women like trophies. And what?s a better trophy than a nude?
He?s Secretive About You
Your relationship will feel like it?s in a bubble.
You won?t get to know his family. You won?t meet his friends. You won?t see much of his life.
It?s like he?s keeping you a secret from everyone else.
He knows he?s not that serious about you so why would he bother bringing you into his life?
Plus, one of his buddies might slip up and accidentally tell you about one of the other girls he?s fucking, and he can?t have that.
It?s hard to get a straight answer out of a player. Being straightforward and honest doesn?t suit their purposes.
If you ask him if he?s still seeing other women, you?ll get a cryptic answer like ?Not that many? or ?I?m here with you right now, so you know you?re special.? What he won?t give you is a simple ?yes.?
If you ask him what he?s been up to lately, you might get a ?oh, not too much? or ?I?ve just been keeping busy.? If you ask him for more details, he?ll probably change the subject or say something really inconsequential, like sum up his last four days by telling you about a new restaurant he tried (and he?ll conveniently imply that he went alone).
Everything Is on His Terms
Being a player is tough. They?ve got to juggle multiple women ? some they?re fucking, some they were dating and they?re trying to play nice with, and some they?re hoping to sleep with in the future. It takes a lot of mental energy to manage them all and coordinate everything.
So most of the time they don?t.
Instead, they like to be spontaneous. They want to go with the flow instead of using their Google Calendar to micromanage everything.
What that means for you is that he?s hard to pin down.
He?ll wait for you to suggest a date and set it up instead of putting in the effort. He?ll want you to come to him instead of going over to see you.
And he?ll make you wait. He?ll keep things vague and never be clear about whether he?s available or has plans. That?s because he doesn?t want to agree to go hang out at the park in case one of the other women he?s texting with will invite him over for an afternoon fuck.
When you?re texting with him, he?ll disappear on a whim. He might start conversations with you and then quit replying after a bit because he got caught up texting another girl.
I even had a player stop responding in the middle of sexting. Turns out, it?s because he was on a date with someone else. He probably kept the hot and heavy conversation going with me so he?d have a back up plan in case his date didn?t go home with him.
Yup, I really know how to pick?em!
If he seems like he?s always keeping his options open, it?s because he thinks of you that way ? as one of many options.
He Stops Trying
Players tend to put a lot of effort into seducing women. But once they get laid, they stop trying so hard.
It will almost feel like you?re being lovebombed. All the wooing, sweet talk, and attention you?re getting from him evaporates almost as soon as you fuck him.
After that, it?s like he expects you to put out.
And why would he bother putting in the effort? If you?re not going to sleep with him, he?ll try his luck with one of the other women he?s seeing.
There should always be seduction in a sexual relationship ? even after you?re married, and definitely while you?re still dating. If he stops flirting and making an effort to turn you on, something?s wrong.
You Deserve Better
In the end, all this behavior comes down to one thing: he?s not in it for the long run.
If you are, it?s a good idea to take a close look at this relationship, try to get some clear answers from him, and get your ass back out on the dating scene if he doesn?t shape up.
I?ve been in some really rough places in my dating life. I felt kind of hopeless. I put up with players ? even after I realized they were playing me ? because on some level I thought I couldn?t do any better.
But I could. We all can. Because if you?re willing to put in the effort to make a relationship work, if you?re willing to open your heart up to someone, and if you?re willing to listen and be there for them, you deserve a lot better than a guy who only sees you as one of many options.
When you realize the guy you?re with is a player, do yourself a favor and move on. Because if you want something serious, you should never settle for someone who won?t settle down.
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