We?ve all told someone to go fuck themselves at one point or another in our lives, so here?s to that. Just a simple guide to send to that special someone if they might need a few tips on what comes now.
To do this, find yourself a body of water, a pier, and simply continue walking until you have run out of the pier. With some extra effort, you might be able to locate one with a long drop off and ice cold water. Remember, the best way to spread out as much of the impact as possible is to distribute the weight across a large surface area. In somewhat of a violent flopping motion, hurl yourself belly-first into the pillowy soft water below. Now you?re making a splash that others are sure to notice.
2. Take a Hike!
No, but seriously borrow a friends car, GPS an appropriate location far away from other people and get to blazing trails. Nothing quite says ?I bought these hiking shoes for a reason? like an invigorating hike through bear country. To make sure you don?t frighten any wildlife as you explore natures unspoiled splendor be as quiet as possible and smear yourself with generous amounts of indigenous berries and animal carrion. This will help mask your scent while establishing street cred with the other apex predators of the forest.
Pro-tip: to earn the trust of any large land-based carnivores, return all wandering offspring back to their mother after grabbing them by the scruff of the neck and giving them a firm spank. Remember, it?s customary to maintain direct eye contact with the adults while doing so.
3. Take Up a New Hobby
Surely being a world-class dildo splinter must be fun and all but there has to be something else you excel at? Identify what you?re passionate about and then fuck off in that general direction. Lose yourself in something that will both ensure you don?t run into anyone who?s politely asked you to fuck off and that you truly enjoy on a personal level. When attempting to narrow down your choices just take out a preprinted checklist of interests, a permanent marker and remember that no one wants you around.
4. Make Like a Banana and Split
There?s a lot to be learned from ice cream and dance moves. Banana splits are generally loved by everyone and never act like asshats. The split, takes dedication, vigorous stretching, and practice.
You?ll want to familiarize yourself with these concepts while you work on not being a steaming pile of human garbage. Some people have to work really hard at becoming decent human beings but don?t let that stop you. With enough hard work, almost anyone can disappoint themselves and others while clinging onto the most fragile of hopes. You got this!
5. Hit the Road
Surely there are few pleasures in life like hitting the open road. Pack some clothes, buy some snacks, and set sail to literally anywhere other than here. Remember that no destination is too far for the ambitious of heart. Many fairies offer affordable car transport options, so there?s clearly no reason to let coastlines stop you.
Just remember that because the earth is not flat it is round and if you travel long enough you will end up back where you started and we do not want that. If at all possible, rub the two brain cells you have left together and plan a travel route that stops short of coming full circle. Highly recommended destinations for any road trip:
- Los Cabos, Mexico
- Caracas, Venezuela
- Acapulco, Mexico
- Hell
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Disclaimer: Please don?t actually follow any of this advice. If you need to fuck off, do so in a safe manner.
2019; Eli Brooks All Rights Reserved
