If you?re reading this post, you most likely already wipe your butt with moist wipes and you?re just trying to figure out which brand will serve you best. However, just in case you landed here and you?re simply moist-wipe curious, let me start by explaining why you should be wiping your butt with moist wipes.
Why Should I Use Moist Wipes When I Poop?
Here?s all you need to know: If you were to get poop on your arm, would you just wipe it off with toilet paper and go on your way? No, of course not. Yet you do that every day to your butt. That?s ridiculous. Moist wipes are the least you can do for your butt. (Electronic bidets are probably the most.)
What Makes a Good Butt Wipe?
How It Well It Cleans. That?s why we?re doing this in the first place, right? So probably the number one factor is how fresh one feels after pooping and moist-wiping.
Ease of Use. Pooping is not a complicated process (though there are some steps you should take in a public restroom), and it?s important these moist wipes only add minimal effort to the whole deal.
Portability. We?re looking at single-use butt wipes only. They are for on-the-go use, so these things need to be portable. That means they need to fit in a pocket or purse very easily without getting in the way or drawing too much attention to themselves.
Discreetness. For some reason, people are uncomfortable with the idea of butt wipes. I don?t get it. You obviously are not (go you!), but that doesn?t mean you need to be the butt of other?s butt-wiping jokes. If people stumble on your stash of butt wipes, will they know they are looking at butt wipes? How well do the wipes hide their sole purpose? Honestly, this is by far my least important criteria when it comes to butt wipes, but I know that won?t be the case for everyone.
Overall Experience. Beyond all of the above, we need a catch-all category. Was it good? Did they feel good on your butt? Was the smell of the wipe pleasant? Without listing out 20 more categories, this is the general Je Ne Sais Quois of moist butt wipes.
The four brands of butt wipes reviewed in this article: Tush Wipes, Cottonelle, Dude Wipes and Goodwipes.
Single-Use Butt Wipe Reviews
All things being equal, Cottonelle would be the winner in all moist butt wipe categories, and this blog post would be way shorter. Cottonelle knows what they are doing when it comes to moist butt wipes.
Cottonelle moist wipes* are scent-free,* do a great job cleaning,* are easy to use, and* the packaging is portable.
Although they couldn?t more obviously be for wiping your butt, the fact that they don?t really draw attention to this on the packaging works in your favor if you?re trying to be discreet. Plus, you?ve got some brandname cred in Cottonelle, so if you do get ?caught,? at least you?re getting caught with a major name in pooping.
The problem is, you can?t find these in any stores or even on Amazon.com. Their containers for the bathroom and refills are everywhere, but if you want single-use for when you?re on the go, well, tough shit. (Literally? maybe.)
So let?s move on to the other contenders that make their product more readily available.
After Cottonelle, Dude Wipes are the big guys in portable moist butt wipes. I suppose that?s due to their marketing, in which they make it clear they are all about wiping your butt. And they are all about men, manliness and the dudeliness of wiping your butt with a moist wipe.
?Is it OK for men to wipe their butts with moist wipes? Dude, not only is it OK, it?s the manly thing to do!?
Does butt moist wiping need to be a gender thing? No. But I guess it?s OK if it makes this practice more acceptable in at least half the population.
But how are the wipes?
Dude Wipes are great.
How Well It Cleans? No issues at all here. The wipe is soft enough on your butt that you?re comfortable wiping away. There is enough wetness that you feel clean, but little enough that there isn?t excess wetness after the fact.
Ease of Use? There are a lot of cool things about the Dude Wipe packaging. The wording is humorous! When you tear the top off, it tends to remain stuck on the other side, reducing the trash you need to dispose of when you?re done. Then, the wipes themselves unfold very easily!
Portability? These are nice rectangle packages that fit easily in your pockets.
Discreetness? Well, they?re named Dude Wipes and talk about wiping and pooping (euphemistically) all over the packaging. So there?s not much discreetness happening here. If this is an issue for you, you might want to check out the Fresh Richies discussed below.
Overall Experience? These are my favorite. Because of the whole ?dude? thing, I wanted to find another brand. But after extensive testing, these guys came out on top. They feel good on your butt, they smell pleasant, they clean well, the packaging is super easy to use. I just wish they weren?t so heavy handed with the male butt thing. Can?t we all wipe our butts together? Well, maybe not together, but equally!
Fresh Richie Men?s Discreet Cleansing Body Wipes
Let?s cut straight to the chase. You want discreet? These bad boys have discreet right in the name! And you?re not even buying something for your butt anyway, these are ?body wipes.? The closest they get to your butt in the description is the ambiguous term, ?personal areas.? I had to email the company to ask if they are flushable. The answer, ?I?m happy to say that our wipes are absolutely flushable.? Game on.
How well it cleans? These clean well. Let me start there. But I have to admit that they don?t feel like they are going to clean well. I think since they are technically ?body wipes,? they have a softer feel to them that gives you less friction on your butt when wiping. That certainly sounds like a good thing, but it always leaves me wondering if I really cleaned everything. And they also have much more moisture than your standard butt wipe, which can be a bit uncomfortable. Good for the body wiping, less so for the butt wiping.
Ease of Use? After the Dude Wipes, these are the easiest packaging to open:
Portability? Pretty small, rectangle packaging. No complaints here.
Discreetness? See opening paragraph of this section. If you want discreet, hands down, these are for you. Looking at the packaging, it?s hard to even tell what these things do. Are they wipes? Are they condoms? Is this the prize at the bottom of the box of cereal? And what?s a ?sachet?!? Sounds French!
Overall Experience? I want to like these. They aren?t marketed as butt wipes, so these are even a bit of an underdog in the category. As much as discreetness isn?t an issue for me, I like their style. The wipe?s scent gives off a hint of mint, which is certainly nice. I can even look past the ?men?s? thing since Luxury Barber focuses entirely on men?s grooming. But I just don?t feel comfortable with all that extra moisture and the extra soft feel always throws me off. Maybe this comes down to personal preference in the end, because Fresh Richies will certainly do the job when it comes to cleaning your butt!
?Below the belt cleansing wipes.? Alright, I?m listening. Go on?
Goodwipes get off to a great start with that tagline. But I am otherwise not a huge fan.
Why do I think Goodwipes are not so good?
Of all the wipes I?ve looked at, these are easily the smallest packaging. That sounds awesome! But to get that smaller packaging size, they had to more tightly fold the wipe. And no matter how many times I tested these out (and I went through most of a 30 count box) I just couldn?t get the unfolding process right:
On top of that, the wipes had a scent my fiance described as ?medicinal.? Maybe that?s changed in the time since I last purchased them (Aug 2014). Their body wipes say, ?Cool your skin with Tea Tree Oil, Peppermint, and Ginseng,? which isn?t present on the packaging for my ?below the belt wipes.? I bought these nearly a year ago, and products certainly do change (for example, Dude Wipes significantly improved their packaging from when I first started buying them). Please let me know if you?ve had a better experience!
Finally, they were just a bit rough on my butt. Some friction is good. These had too much friction for a moist wipe.
And once again, Goodwipes seem to think wiping your butt is a gender-specific activity. At least they provide female options as well, but again, why is this necessary? I?ve never seen gender-specific toilet paper, so let?s not start with moist wipes.
Overall Experience? If I had to choose between no moist wipe and a Goodwipe, I?d happily use a Goodwipe. But if there are other moist butt wipe options available, I will explore those options.
PureTouch Tush Wipes
You just have to love the name. It?s like your Jewish grandmother started the company. ?They?re for your tush, Jonathan! Don?t be embarrassed that you have a clean tush!?
And overall, they?re good. They clean your tush well. They have a pleasant smell. But there must be a ?but? here, right?
Portability? These are the lone butt wipe that didn?t choose the standard small rectangle packaging shape. Instead, they went with longer rectangle package. Why? I have no idea. But this certainly causes some issues in portability, at least for men. I don?t see myself fitting one of these in my wallet. Maybe in a back pocket if it?s a deep one. I imagine a woman could easily toss several of these into a purse without much issue.
This seems like a minor point, but the whole purpose of these single-use wipes is being able to take them with you anywhere you go. The shape of the packaging should not make this difficult.
Discreetness? I mean, they?re called Tush Wipes. If someone sees the package, they are going to know what?s going on here. If that?s a problem for you, I suggest you move on.
Overall Experience? I like them. I really do. It?s just the shape of that packaging is really tough for me to get behind. Also, I don?t care much about style and marketing when it comes to butt wipes, but when I received the box in the mail, it reminded me of something the nurse would grab from a cabinet at the doctor?s office. In other words, it?s kind of blah.
If you can get your hands on Cottonelle single-use butt wipes, then consider yourself lucky. Knowing how difficult that is, Dude Wipes are probably your next best bet. And if being discreet is your ultimate goal beyond freshness, Fresh Richie Body Wipes should suit you just fine.
If I have missed a brand, please let me know because, my goodness, I would love to test drive more moist butt wipes (seriously). And if you strongly agree or disagree on any of the above, please don?t hold back in letting me know.