More times than not this year, 2019, I spend my entire Saturday laying in bed. Before this year, I would lay in bed all day occasionally because I was exhausted from my week and excited to have some free time without work and commitments to do as I please. And then I would spend that free time laying. I felt guilty for ?wasting? my day. Drifting in and out of sleep. Scrolling through Instagram. Watching the snow fall outside or listening to the wind. Seeing the sun set from my bedroom window. Forgetting just for the day what the taste, smell, and feel of fresh air was like. Feeling bad I didn?t go on a walk. Feeling guilty that my room was still a mess and my to-do list was left with nothing crossed off and accomplished. Sometimes surrounded by dishes of what I ate that day. It was always a weird feeling just to lay. In bed. All day.
The next times I stayed in bed all day I was not alone. I would wake up with a little hangover headache from the night before, pop some advil, and drink some water. Without thinking or worrying I would be in bed with a person and before we knew it 7am turned into 12pm. We should get up. We?re hungry. But we don?t want to get up. So we wouldn?t get up. Then we might drift into sleep together. We would talk about wasting our day in bed. But we were happy to not leave. So was it a waste? We joked with our friends at the bar the night before that we would see them the next day. The next day was 4pm. We couldn?t believe we hadn?t left bed. Then a few weeks later, 4pm was 9pm. We literally spent the entire Saturday in bed.
One Saturday I layed in bed all day by accident and it probably was not the best decision. I woke up. I fell back to sleep. I should take advantage of sleeping in I said. I didn?t go to the grocery store or go to the gym or on a walk. I felt sad. I felt weird. I had a long phone conversation. I felt better. I don?t know. Sometimes it?s a weird feeling to not have someplace to be or somewhere to go. Sometimes it still surprises me that where I am at in my life right now I can stay in bed all day. Nothing will happen and no one will care.
Then there?s the times like today where it?s just me in bed again. But I don?t feel like it?s a waste. I wake up. I nap. I watch netflix. I read. I go on my phone. My bed is my haven. My Saturday is my freedom to do and be me. I don?t feel the guilt. I think about all the times I have laid in my bed all day my apple watch charging on the stand next to me with 0% of my rings closed. When it gets warmer I will lay on my hammock. Occasionally, I?ll lay on my couch that I share with my roommate. After work or a long day sometimes I lay on my floor. And sometimes I lay in the back of my car during my lunch break.
This whole idea of laying in bed all day seems lazy. It still might be lazy. It could be considered depressing. Sad. Alone. Whatever label you want. But today my laying feels free. Freedom to not go out in the blustering wind. To wait for spring from the comfort of my house. To watch netflix. To read my book. To look at my phone. To laugh. I am so comfortable and I am so me when I am laying in my bed with no worries or stresses. I think as someone who has had activities planned for nearly every day of the week for all of my high school and college life sometimes I feel like I am catching up. It has been a year and three months since I graduated and sometimes I still feel like I am catching up from the hustle of what used to be my life at school. School and sports and work and homework and a constant to-dos with no room or space or freedom to just lay and do what my mind and body wants to do. To feel a comfortable space. A quiet space. To lay in bed all day.